Posted on 01/05/2015 10:21:44 AM PST by Jewbacca
We had extended family together this New Years, including my rather strident niece-in-law Sarah. Sarah recently finished her four years of extreme liberal indoctrination at Brandiese (paid for by her father) and went on endlessly about the "patriarchy."
As we sat in a home designed, furnished, and dominated by women, but paid for by yet another male, we began to mock her in a rather humorous (to us) manner.
As the wine flowed, began to make a list of Constitutional and other changes that would be instituted if we did, indeed, live in a patriarchy.
I thought I'd share.
Credit due to me, Uncle Shlomo, and Cousin Josh.
1. Decorative pillows would be outlawed. The creation or use of any pillow or cushion on a couch or bed that has to be removed prior to the comfortable use of such couch or bed would be a capital offense. States, in each of their discretion, would be free to make similar laws regarding "guest hand towels" and "decorative cup towels" that hang uselessly on oven doors.
2. Tchotchkes would be limited to no more than 3 on any one solid surface, one of which must be related to the military, sports, regional pride, or be a fossil. No tchotchke or other item of useless decoration would be permitted on a solid surface that is supposed to be a work area (e.g., a kitchen island).
3. All women would have a chip implanted in them that would cause them to receive a nasty electric shock anytime they ask a male "does this make me look fat" or "is she prettier than me" or other such phrase.
4. Fashion models would be women who are attractive to heterosexual men, not gays.
5. Phone calls (outside of business) would automatically terminated after 5 minutes. There would be strict daily quota on the maximum number of calls and texts. Similar regulations would exist regarding emails and other forms of communications.
6. "Visiting" as an event would require the simultaneous conduct of at least one useful activity, a telecasted sporting event, or at least prodigious amounts of alcohol.
7. In order to graduate high school (and vote, marry, drive a car, or hold a job), women would have to take courses in logic and also telling a story in a sequential order with proper nouns, not burying the lede, and not repeating over-and-over-and-over. Annual refresher courses would be mandated.
8. For every time a stay-at-home wife would say she "earned" the money by staying home and raising children, she would have to nominate a child to whom the husband could claim he gave birth and raised. (And, for clarity, this is not to say a stay-at-home mother is not the hardest job in the world, but simply rectifies her theft of credit due the husband for working hard and supporting the family. Marriage is a partnership, and a woman cannot claim both parts.)
9. There would be no more than 64 paint colors, in three shades: light, medium, and dark. Good enough for Crayola, good enough for you. They would have the normal names used in the 1970s.
10. Women's magazines would contain useful information, and no quizzes. Also, see Number 4.
Bonus:
Oprah would be forced to follow the medical and diet advice of Dr. Oz for one year. After her inevitable death, she would be buried in an unmarked grave.
And the 64 paint colors would have names of items found in nature ... no more “taupe” or “ecru”.
I was thinking “flesh,” but that works, too.
Brandeis.
ken nordine - ecru (from the 1967 colors album by ken nordine)
Ken Nordine was commisioned by a paint company to write several commercials about colors. He recorded the spoken word ads backed by free form jazz. The commercials got so much acclaim, that he decided to record an album where he redid the spots (without mentioning the name of the paint company this time), adding many more colors. All the pieces are around a minute and a half long. Some of the tracks can be taken as social commentary, but most of them are just Nordine having fun saying whatever a particular color makes him think of. The CD adds ten bonus tracks to the original album, for a total of 34 (Nordine says he recorded 44 in all).
I have one point to make, if this were required dress for women in America, then I will be moving elsewhere.
Ah yes. Magazines that are written entirely for women, entirely by women .... but purport to be about men.
But then, I suppose if men wrote them, they'd be more accurate, but they'd be much shorter, and harder to sell ad space for.
For instance, instead of "101 Ways to Get Your Man Really, Really Excited This Holiday", we'd get "Show up naked. Bring Beer." Not a whole lot of fluff there for ad sales.
True. But not as funny
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "f... you!"
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
I was thinking a Western Patriarchy would be more into bikinis, halters, and tube tops.
No. 10 is too far into the realm of the impossible.
When that becomes ‘required’ I’ll be doing my part to ‘overturn’ the people trying to enforce it’s pathetically short existence. On a rather permanent basis. And into a wood chipper.
On Youtube.
Seems a bit extreme, but then they are too...lol
Extremism in pursuit of liberty is no vice ;)
You left out:
-Feet are permitted on the coffee table, should the recliners be already occupied. (And yes, I said recliners...no self-respecting patriarchy has just one recliner.)
-Under no circumstances should plastic slipcovers EVER be allowed on any upholstered furniture.
-Fine China is just code for overpriced dishes only used when trying to impress somebody, or breakable, ugly plates a spinster aunt left you, along with her assorted cats.
- The Living Room is for living, not looking. It should be used regularly, not just special occasions.
- “duvet” The word, item, usage of such items would be prohibited.
I could go on and on. Home is for comfort and enjoyment...
Less Martha Stewart, more Al Bundy.
if we truly were a patriarchy, she wouldn’t be in brandeis in the first place.
Agreed.
She’d have left the kitchen long enough to achieve pregnancy before preparing the next Sammich.
Barefoot.
“if we truly were a patriarchy, she wouldn’t be in brandeis in the first place.
Repeatedly noted during the conversation, but not as humorous as our list.
Even she, in her liberal insanity, began laughing as we progressed.
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