The College Football Czar: Week 4

Week three in review: Sixth-ranked Georgia was upset by South Carolina 38-35, but don’t count the Dogs out of national championship contention just yet. Aside from an early October trip to Missouri, there’s not that much standing in their way between now and their grudge match against Auburn on Nov. 15th.

Heisman-winning Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has already been nominated for the Lardhead of the Year Award, but if there were also a Banana-Brain of the Year and a Nougat-Noggin of the Year, he could easily challenge for the Triple Crown. Coach Jimbo Fisher has suspended Winston for the first half of this week’s game against Clemson, because he stood on a table at the student union, and hollered a sexually explicit phrase. He couldn’t help it, you see. He was only mimicking what he’d seen somebody else doing on YouTube. That’s just what lardheads do.

It’s hardly a serious offense, but remember that Winston is still facing a civil suit over a sexual assault accusation. Loudly and publicly dropping an F-bomb, followed by a slang term for part of the female anatomy, and thinking that makes for a really brilliant joke is not a very smart thing to do – especially at a time when football teams and organizations are coming under intense scrutiny over some of the players’ behavior toward women.

The College Football Czar can hardly wait to hear some of the politically correct wind socks on ESPN puffing indignantly over Winston’s disrespectful language about women. Maybe then they can explain why that network picked Eminem for their prime time college football theme last season.

The Czar correctly picked East Carolina’s ambush of Virginia Tech, coming a field goal away from nailing the final score. For the week, he went 15-5, improving his season record to 46-22, for a .676 winning percentage.

For a while there, it looked like the Conn Men might put one over on Boise State, but they were unable to close the deal in the second half of a 38-21 setback. The defensive duel ended with BSU only leading in total yardage 292-290, but touchdowns from a fumble and an interception return bookended an otherwise evenly-played game.

The Bulls dozed through another game on offense last week, when they gained only 159 total yards in a 49-17 loss to Nc State. A week earlier, they were so offensively inept that they lost 24-17 to Maryland, in spite of their six takeaways.

Coach Willie Taggart arrived at USF last season promoting his slogan, “Do Something.” Having compiled a record of 3-12 since then, perhaps he’d better be more specific.

These teams split their last home-and-home, with the Panthers prevailing at Heinz Field by a final of 21-20 in 2008. They blew a 27-10 fourth-quarter lead in the return game at Iowa City in 2011, when Coach Jethro the Boy Genius refused to slow down his spread attack enough to stem the Hawkeyes’ comeback. That’s not a concern with current coach Paul Chryst and his ball-control offense, but the trick will be in taking the lead in the first place.

It really shouldn’t come as a surprise that the Hawkeyes were beaten by rival Iowa State 20-17. Not only is it the third time they’ve lost the Cy-Hawk Trophy in four years, but it’s only consistent with this season’s results. UI narrowly won its opener against Division I-AA Northern Iowa, 31-23, and then they had to rally for two late touchdowns, to edge an apparently not very good Ball State team, 17-13.

Panther running back James Conner fumbled twice inside the 10-yard line last week at Florida International, causing the FIU defenders to spend much of the second half trying to strip the ball away. Expect Iowa’s defense to test Conner’s grip early, but they’d better be careful not to focus too much on the ball, and not enough on the 250-pounder who’s hauling it.

The Pittsburghers may not want to continue the series with next year’s scheduled meeting in Iowa City. Last time they went, they were disappointed to learn that it wasn’t the name of a beer.

The Minutemen continue to lose, but nothing like last season. Since dropping their opener to BC 30-7, they’ve only fallen to Colorado and Vanderbilt by a field goal apiece. By comparison, last year’s losses averaged 21 points per game.

The Nittany Lions defeated Rutgers in a quarterback-rattling contest, in which they forced five interceptions from Gary Nova. PSU’s Christian Hackenberg had some scary moments of his own, but kept his composure well enough that he was only picked off once. Like Nova, the sophomore slinger was under duress all night long.

To see how alarming the Lions’ offensive line play has truly been, you’ve got to look at their running game. Last year, Bill Belton averaged 5.1 yards per carry, and Zach Zwinak 4.7, as they combined for 1,792 rushing yards and 17 touchdowns. One-fourth of the way through this season, they’ve totaled only 157 yards with one rushing TD apiece, while each averaging under three yards per attempt.

Penn State University operates two hotels, in which it has recently removed the bibles from all of the rooms. Coincidence? No, not really. A complaint is filed against Jerry Sandusky, and they let him hang around campus for more than another decade, but let some crackpot demand that God be ejected, and there’s no time to lose.

WVU sophomore kicker Josh Lambert is not Count Dracula in cleats, which is probably why he didn’t trip over his cape while booting a 47-yarder as time expired to beat Maryland, 40-37. The dramatics should never have been necessary after the Eers built up a 28-6 lead, but then they allowed three Terrapin touchdown drives lasting roughly a minute apiece.

You could’ve driven a Ford through the holes in that Mountaineer defense, but OU hasn’t got one. Starting tailback Keith Ford sustained a leg injury in the Sooners’ 34-10 victory over Tennessee, and won’t be playing this week in Morgantown.

For the sake of the paying fans, hopefully this will be a better game than last year, when the teams combined for eight turnovers and 17 penalties. The Sooners won 16-7, scoring their only touchdown after recovering a fumbled punt.

Whatever you do, don’t tell Dracula he doesn’t need his cleats because he’s only the bat boy. Not that he finds that demeaning, it’s just that it there are no bat boys in football, and it really steams him when people screw up jokes.

Fewer Miles’ team plays its second of four consecutive home games, before the SEC forces them to travel all the way to Auburn the first week of October. Last week, the Tigers hosted Louisiana-Monroe, and graciously served them a donut in a 31-0 thumping.

The Bulldogs have won six in a row going back to 2013, but they haven’t faced this formidable an opponent since their most recent defeat, against Alabama last November. So far, they’ve faced three nearby small-conference opponents, who at least have all been Division I-A teams. Last Saturday, they stifled presumptive Sun Belt contender South Alabama 35-3. That game was played in hostile territory in Mobile, but that’s nothing like they’ll experience in the always raucous, 102,000-seat Tiger Stadium.

Louisiana State is located in Baton Rouge, which is French for “red stick.” It got its name when one of the students read a stick one day. The stick said, “Ticonderoga No. 2.” Who says they don’t teach the classics anymore?

If you’re the defending national champions, changing your logo and uniform is a really stupid thing to do. Not only are the Seminoles now trying to sell merchandise that’s not associated with their championship season, but when they take the field in their dull mustard helmets and giant, gold uniform numbers, they signal to opponents that these are not last year’s Seminoles.

To the Tigers, that will come as a relief, the way they were knocked around their home field by the Noles a year ago. The best news they could salvage from the 51-14 flogging was that at least it gave them a chance to get Cole Stoudt, then their backup QB, some big-game experience.

With Jameis Winston’s semi-suspension, he’ll make way for Sean Maguire, who at 6-3, 220 is certainly a man, although the Czar will withhold judgment about whether he’s a drinker and a liar or not. Don’t call him Molly, though, or James Brown of CBS will think you’re a cad.

Dabo Swinney’s club clobbered I-AA South Carolina State 73-7, while gaining 735 yards to SCSU’s 44. That exercise in feelgoodism has done nothing to prepare them for FSU, but it may have started a quarterback controversy of their own. For now, Swinney says he is sticking with Stoudt, although backup DeShaun Watson completed 8 of 9 with three touchdowns.

Tiger DE Corey Crawford better be careful about rushing into the pocket in the second half, because he could be falling into a trap. It wouldn’t be the first time Winston pocketed a crawford, you know.

These teams meet in Ann Arbor for the second time in seven years, without the Utes getting a return game in between. Perhaps the fellas from Salt Lake City are courting Ann Arbor, in hopes of making her their latest wife.

Kyle Whittingham’s club won that 2008 opener 25-23, but that was the start of their 13-0 Sugar Bowl season, whereas the rudderless Wolverines were on their way to a 3-9 finish, their worst since 1962.

The maize and confused came staggering home from South Bend with a 31-0 loss to bitter rival Notre Dame, in which they committed the only four turnovers of the game. A 34-10 win over a miserable Miami Ohio team, which had been a 7-point game at halftime, might not be enough to get their minds right.

The Czar was just kidding about that polygamy gag. A man having 55 wives is one thing, but one woman marrying an entire football team? That’s just plain silly.

Tarheel QB Marquise Williams leads the team in rushing with 115 yards in two games. Without a robust running game, they allowed San Diego State possess the ball for two thirds of the game two weeks ago, when UNC only pulled out a 31-27 victory thanks to three interceptions.

In last week’s 28-21 win over Virginia Tech, the Pirates overcame 13 penalties for 114 yards. When one’s life’s work consists of plundering and murder, it’s hard to take the occasional flag for illegal formation as seriously as one should.

The crowd at Kenan Stadium wasn’t feeling too keen a year ago, when Ruffin McNeill’s team raided them, 55-31. Quarterback Shane Carden threw for three TDs that day, and rushed for three more, in leading the 603-yard attack.

How can a skull, like the one on ECU’s helmets, wear an earring when it hasn’t got any ears left? There can be only one answer. That’s no skull, it’s Maria Shriver. You’d think she’d get a little more sun down there in Greenville.

The Czar won’t offend CBS analyst James Brown by saying someone throws like a girl, because Nova from Planet of the Apes would have thrown the ball better than Gary Nova did against Penn State. At least it would be enjoyable to watch her try.

Nova (Gary, that is) was panicked into five pickoffs during the 13-10 defeat, spoiling the great job the Scarlet Knight defense did in harassing his counterpart. The struggling senior now has 45 career interceptions, and 57 TD passes.

Tago Smith was it for the Midshipmen last week, who rested QB Keenan Reynolds at Texas State, after Reynolds had taken a shot to the knee in a scrappy 31-24 win at Temple. Smith connected with WR Jamir Tillman on a 67-yard, fourth-quarter touchdown pass to seal the game by a final of 35-21. That strike was the longest TD completion for the team since 2010. Reynolds – who once completed a 68-yard pass against Troy in 2012, but on a non-scoring play – will return to the lineup this Saturday.

Next week on NFL Today: How to tell if you and your football team are in a stagnant relationship. Well, not really, but it’s only a matter of time.

Last year’s 19-16 opening week upset was inexplicable, but the way the Cavaliers are playing this season, there’s a lot more explicking going on. Not content to gain respect in a 28-20 loss to UCLA, Mike London’s team toppled a ranked Louisville club last week, 23-21. Ian Frye pulled them out of the fire by going 3-for-3 in field goals, including a 42-yard game winner with three minutes to play.

BYU bungled its way to a 33-25 win over Houston last Thursday, while having to overcome 11 penalties and a minus-3 turnover margin. Already, the Cougars are the subject of much speculation that they may go undefeated, yet they found themselves in a catfight with a team that had been drubbed in its home opener by Texas-San Antonio.

UVa may be 2-1, but they rank just barely inside the Top 100 in both rushing and passing yardage. Even in a romp over I-AA Richmond, they only gained 330 total yards, but relied instead on seven takeaways.

Careful if you plan to let your children watch this game. Explicking carries a TV-MA rating, you know.

The College Football Czar hereby predicts that the Gators, having had their opener against Idaho canceled due to allegedly unsafe field conditions, will finish bowl-ineligible at 5-6, but will be granted a special dispensation by the NCAA to accept a bid anyway.

This is one of the games that gives the Crimson Tide a scheduling advantage against rival Auburn. The pachyderms play UF and Tennessee this year, whereas AU’s two East division opponents are South Carolina and Georgia.

The Gators needed triple-overtime to avoid losing to Kentucky for the first time in 28 meetings, but the 36-30 cliffhanger was even more troubling than that. They might very well have been defeated in the first OT, if not for a blown call, or lack thereof. Having to go for it on a fourth-and-seven, QB Jeff Driskel let the play clock run out on him, but it was not flagged, so he took the late snap and converted the play for a nine-yard tying score.

The SEC has reviewed the play, but arrogantly denied that an error had occurred. The way the league explains it, it takes a moment for the back judge to shift his focus from the play clock to the ball, and the time it takes to do that creates a very brief but undefined buffer zone in which the ball can be snapped after the clock has expired. So the time displayed on the play clock is not really official, then. That’s news to the Czar, and to UK coach Mark Stoops as well.

The Czar was very surprised to hear that the “Family of Networks” now wants ex-Gator Tim Tebow to be a regular contributor on Good Morning America. All of a sudden, he doesn’t seem to be “the most polarizing figure in sports,” does he?

The Ramblin Wreck, once leading 35-10, got its doors blown off in the second half by Georgia Southern, but recovered in time to mount a winning drive, thanks to a fumble on a pitch play that, upon review, was ruled a backward pass. The Czar though the pitch went slightly forward to the 27-yard line, before a GT player batted it back the other way. Whatever happened to the standard that requires indisputable evidence of the contrary in order to justify a reversal? Memo to all college football announcers: Kindly spare us that “the important thing is to get the call right in the end” hogwash from now on.

The College Football Czar knew that Frank Beamer’s team would be upset last week because East Carolina is a bad matchup for them, for the same reason that the Ramblin Wreck is not. VT’s deliberate style played right into the hands of the high-powered passing offense of ECU, which only had to dominate a small segment of the game in order to make it a long slog back for the Gobblers. This week against the Yellowjackets, it’s back to the brand of trench warfare at which Beamer’s scheme excels.

Why do these techie teams require two nicknames each? Is this part of some geeky fantasy game of theirs? Perhaps you’re a Gobbler until you retrieve the Crystal Orb of Ragnar from the lair of the four-faced ferret that serves the sinister Gigantic Elf of Irony, at which point you morph into a Hokie. If that’s the case, the Czar will stick to Hungry Hungry Hippos, thank you.

Oft-injured Aggie QB Chuckie Keeton hobbled off the field before halftime of a 36-24 win over Wake Forest. Luckily, last year’s starter Darell Garretson is still on the team. The sophomore stepped in to complete 11 of 16 in the second half.

ASU has changed its mind, and decided to let players keep the cross-shaped stickers on their helmets to commemorate two deceased Red Wolves, one a player and the other an equipment manager. The decals’ removal had initially been demanded because some nosy lawyer spotted them on TV during the Tennessee game, and warned university legal counsel Lucinda McDaniel that their presence was unconstitutional. McDaniel, apparently fearful of a lawsuit, panicked and agreed to comply with the constitutionally ignorant demands of the interloping menace.

If that lawyer could travel back through time to the Constitutional Congress, and tell them that free people, because they’re at a state university, cannot display a cross in memory of their dead friends, James Madison would roll up one of his frilly sleeves and biff him one on the nose.

The Orange almost lost their opener to Division I-AA Villanova, in part because QB Terrel Hunt got ejected for throwing a punch in the second quarter. Not even trying to be subtle about it, Hunt was lying on the turf right in the middle of the field when he threw a Peter McNeeley roundhouse punch into a linebacker’s facemask. Hence, for as long as Hunt remains at SU, the College Football Czar is taking it upon himself to rename the Carrier Dome the Cocoon of Horror.

Terrapin WR Stefon Diggs missed the second half of last season with a broken leg, a stretch that included a suffocating 20-3 loss to SU. In three games this season, the junior has pulled down 17 receptions for 230 yards in three games.

The Terps are known for their many bizarre uniforms, most of which are designed as tributes to their home state. Last year, they had one set of road uniforms that looked just like soft shell crabs, but they mysteriously disappeared during a road trip to Tallahassee.

In case you hadn’t guessed, the Czar ordered a copy of The Big Book of Shoplifted Crustacean Jokes from Amazon.

The bleary-eyed bird on KU’s red alternate helmets looked hung over last week, which at least would have been an excuse for the Jayhawks’ 41-3 loss to Duke. The Offensive Goo is now 3-21 against Division I-A opponents since arriving in Lawrence, and amazingly, his having fired himself as offensive coordinator does not seem to have helped.

MAC teams are usually dangerous on their home fields, but CMU was cmushed by Syracuse 40-3 last week in Mt. Pleasant. In Week 1, they got chood by I-AA Chattanooga in the first half, and had to rally from 16 points down to win, 20-16.

The Chippewas got rid of their spear logo a long time ago, but how do they get away with keeping their “hostile and abusive” nickname? Perhaps they’ve convinced the politically correct ninnies at the NCAA that a Chippewa is some kind of a composting machine.

In the biggest little game that nobody bothered to televise, the MT-heads won their Conference USA opener against Western Kentucky, 50-47 in triple-overtime. The Blue Raiders allowed 718 total yards to their own 541, but nullified that disadvantage by forcing the game’s only turnover, as well as its only stop on fourth down.

The Tigers have had a week off since losing a 42-35 track meet at UCLA. Sophomore running back Doroland Dorceus didn’t exactly put the team on his back, but he did gain 86 yards on only 13 carries, including a 40-yard, fourth-quarter touchdown dash.

The Memphis skyline is easily recognizable because it’s the only one in America with a pyramid in it. As everyone knows, pyramids can only be built by spacemen. As everyone also knows, the reason Elvis isn’t around anymore is that the spacemen have kidnapped him. Yet another thing that everyone knows is that spacemen always release earthlings after they’ve inserted “the probe.” In Elvis’ case, they’ve spent years arguing about which one of them has to do that.

The way the Buffs have fared since joining the Pac 12, perhaps they should take a page from Hawaii’s playbook by adding an apostrophe to their name. You know, as in Colorad’oh! They have gone 9-30 in their post-Big XII era, starting with a 34-17 loss at UH in the 2011 opener.

The Buffaloes romped for 545 last week against Arizona State, but they committed the game’s only three turnovers and lost, 38-24. CU went 1-for-4 on fourth-down conversions, including a fourth-and-one at the ASU three-yard line.

That same year was the last time the Rainbow Warriors last won a game on the mainland, a 16-14 squeaker at Idaho. Even when they’ve been a good team, the road has not been kind to them, and no wonder. This game is one of those new early Pac 12 kickoffs, which gets underway at 2PM Eastern Time, which is noon in Denver, but 8AM in Honolulu.

It’s a little-known fact that the Rainbow Warriors are the only football team in the world that was created through an executive order signed by President Clinton.

The Lobos are 0-2 while NMSU is 2-1, but those records are entirely a product of scheduling. The Aggies’ two wins have come against I-AA Cal Poly and Sun Belt doormat Georgia State, whereas UNM has just gotten toasted by Pac 12 power Arizona State. Each team has lost to a surprisingly tough UTEP team, and you can’t always tell anything from common opponents, but the Lobos made the far better showing of the two.

Lobo QB Cole Gautsche missed that ASU game with a hamstring injury, and it sounds unlikely that he will play this week. In his place, freshman Lamar Jordan completed a respectable 7 of 11 for 130 yards, but he only rushed for 32 yards on 12 carries. In last year’s 66-17 rout of the Aggies, Gautsche also carried the ball 12 times, but for 127 yards and a touchdown.

The College Football Czar sometimes refers to our 47th state as New and Improved Mexico. If anyone finds that offensive, let him explain why so many natives of Old Mexico are sneaking into the new one, if it’s not an improvement.

Cowboy QB Colby Kirkegaard, being named after cheese, is a natural cracker-barrel philosopher. He knows that sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you, ‘ceptin’ it makes a whole heap o’ difference whether that bar is a duck or an owl. Kirkegaard turned in a competent performance last week at Oregon, but his team still lost 48-14. If he plays just as well at home against FAU, things will turn out a lot differently.

Last week it looked like Charlie Partridge against the ten lords a-leaping, the way his offense always seemed to have the opposition outnumbered. The Burrowing Owls buried Tulsa 50-21. Junior wide receiver Jenson Stoshak sto the show with a career-high 155 yards, including a 59-yard TD.

It turns out that one of those lords a-leaping was Jack Lord. He can’t let Mannix have all the fun, you know.

Not sure why you have to mention js every week when discussing PSU.

Also, you should be aware that there is zero evidence of any sort of coverup at PSU. If there was, Curley/Schultz/Spanier would have gone to trial by now. It’s been almost 3 years. I guess in your world (fact freeh world) it’s guilty until proven innocent for the accused.

In addition, picking W/L games (especially ncaa games) without using point spreads is sort of like going to the prom with your cousin. Just sayin’...

Auburn sucked tonight or Kansas State is all that.

They took away Malzahn’s option and passing like I’ve never seen.

I can’t wait for FL to kick Alabama arse!

“The Chippewas got rid of their spear logo a long time ago, but how do they get away with keeping their “hostile and abusive” nickname? Perhaps they’ve convinced the politically correct ninnies at the NCAA that a Chippewa is some kind of a composting machine. “

No, we got with the Chippewa tribe and they recognized the the value of having their name used by a football team, as opposed to Hurons (what wimps).

Tribe supports Native American mascots, http://espn.go.com/blog/playbook/fandom/post/_/id/18484/tribe-supports-native-american-mascots

Gators hung in there F-ing up just as bad as Bama...at the beginning. Driskel
should have kept trying to throw...coaches’ fault.

Homo MO let the SEC down and MS St should/will take their place in the top 25.

I want to trade Homo MO for Clemson in the SEC! They don’t belong here!

Damm! Prescott is Tebow on steroids!

All that’s left is the SEC to beat each other up, except for Homo MO.

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