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Dave Says Husband Should be a Man
Townhall.com ^ | January 8, 2013 | Dave Ramsey

Posted on 01/08/2013 8:34:25 AM PST by Kaslin

Dear Dave,

My daughter died. She was 32 years old and single, and she had lived with me for the last few years because she was recently disabled. I did not support her financially, and when she died she had no assets and no will. Is it my responsibility to pay the student loans and medical bills she left behind?

Jim

Dear Jim,

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this kind of grief. Losing a child is a heartbreaking experience, no matter their age.

The short answer is this: If you didn’t sign for it, you’re not liable. If a friend were to move in with you, that doesn’t make you responsible for their debts. The fact that it was an adult family member doesn’t matter either. She was a legal adult who signed her name on the debts in question.

If I were in your shoes, I’d try to find any papers attached to these debts and make copies of them. Then, I’d write up a form letter stating the total debt amount and the fact that she died with no assets. By doing this you’re notifying them that she passed away, and they’re not going to be paid. There’s no will or estate to be probated, so they can close the accounts.

Doing this will make creditors aware of the situation, and it should also protect you from getting hammered with collection calls. But the creditors get nothing in this kind of situation.

God bless you, Jim.

—Dave

Dear Dave,

My husband doesn’t like dealing with money. For years, I’ve handled everything from paying the bills to making the decisions, and he just does whatever I tell him. This makes things really hard on me, but he says financial issues cause him stress. Do you have any suggestions?

Carol Lee

Dear Carol Lee,

The plain truth is you need your husband to step up and be a man. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but it’s unfair for you alone to carry the weight of all financial and household decisions. It would be unfair, too, if he were the one carrying it all. This isn’t a gender issue.

My wife and I are involved in all the decisions in our home, and that’s especially true when it comes to money. We do a budget, and we decide together where the money’s going. It’s not a situation where she’s a little girl, and her daddy named Dave takes care of her and everything else. That’s the kind of thing you’ve got going on now. You feel like his mom rather than his wife, and that’s not what a healthy marriage is about.

You need to sit down with him and explain why this is so important to you and how it makes you feel. You’re not asking him to be a number cruncher, but he has to grow up and become part of the team. You can play the role of CFO and write all the checks. But you and he together are the board of directors. You just need 15 to 20 minutes of his time each week, so you guys can discuss what’s going on and how to handle things—together!

—Dave


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: daveramsey; finances; manhood; money; ramsey

1 posted on 01/08/2013 8:34:31 AM PST by Kaslin
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To: Kaslin
When I remarried 13 years ago, I gave me new wife all the bills to pay thinking she was more organized and would pay them on time.

Just 3 months later, interest rates starting going up on some of our credit cards.

So, I manned up!

2 posted on 01/08/2013 8:42:23 AM PST by TexasCajun
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To: Kaslin

My late wife handled all our financial affairs. I was perfectly capable of doing it myself but she was more businesslike plus she had a degree in business.

She was very good at it too.


3 posted on 01/08/2013 8:48:51 AM PST by yarddog (One shot one miss.)
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To: Kaslin

My first thought was that Ramsey was making a statement on gay marriage. Heh.

SnakeDoc


4 posted on 01/08/2013 8:56:04 AM PST by SnakeDoctor (Come and take it.)
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To: TexasCajun

Best marriage advise I ever got was from my female banker was to have separate bank accounts and credit cards. Plan on who pays what shared bills or set-up accounts to auto pay your portion. Except in extreme cases do not bail each other out.


5 posted on 01/08/2013 8:57:59 AM PST by Resolute Conservative
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To: Kaslin

My husband takes care of the heavy-duty financial stuff (IRAs, stocks, retirement funds), he does talk to me about it. I take care of the everyday stuff, checkbook, purchases, etc. It seems to have worked okay for us as we just celebrated our 32nd anniversary last week. It really fed into each of our strengths as hubby is a computer/math person and he thinks about things in complicated ways. He once decided to balance the checkbook for the month and it took him hours. I’ve been doing it every since; but, he will do a comprehensive balancing about once a year and I am always pleased when he tells me that I was just a couple of bucks off.


6 posted on 01/08/2013 9:02:12 AM PST by LibertarianLiz
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To: Kaslin

The greateest attribute to a good marriage is trust.

Financially and Emotionally.

My wife does the bills and I earn the money. She is a housewife and has been since a year after our marriage.

When I need money she writes me a check, when she needs it she writes herself one. We only use credit for vacations, everything else is paid for in cash.She doesnt ak me for money when she needs a new bra, and I dont ask her for it when I need new T-shirts.

If we buy a car we talk it over, we decide what she wants in her new car and I get her old one.I keep her in the new car because I don’t want her broken down on the road. I trust her and she trusts me.49 years it’s worked I hope it works for another 25 at least.


7 posted on 01/08/2013 9:14:38 AM PST by Venturer
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To: LibertarianLiz
I've been married for 12 years and have the same game plan with my wife as you do, Liz. She is so sharp with details and deadlines but my business background is helpful when it comes to large decisions that we talk about over the spreadsheets I create and options I've explored.

I think strategically and she thinks tactically. Glad to see someone else that works this way.

8 posted on 01/08/2013 9:20:30 AM PST by GOP_Party_Animal
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To: Hoosier Catholic Momma; CottonBall; TenthAmendmentChampion; Chickensoup; JDoutrider; ...

Dave Ramsey Ping!


9 posted on 01/08/2013 9:23:00 AM PST by CSM (Keeper of the Dave Ramsey Ping list. FReepmail me if you want your beeber stuned.)
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To: Hoosier Catholic Momma; CottonBall; TenthAmendmentChampion; Chickensoup; JDoutrider; ...

Dave Ramsey Ping!


10 posted on 01/08/2013 9:23:53 AM PST by CSM (Keeper of the Dave Ramsey Ping list. FReepmail me if you want your beeber stuned.)
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To: Resolute Conservative

If you want something done right....


11 posted on 01/08/2013 9:24:51 AM PST by TexasCajun
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To: Kaslin

Is it my responsibility to pay the student loans and medical bills she left behind?...No. The government will do it. That’s what we voted for. As for the dude who doesn’t want to be involved with HIS finances, he wants to work his Whole life, be broke when he dies and enjoy nothing.


12 posted on 01/08/2013 9:27:37 AM PST by Safetgiver ( Islam makes barbarism look genteel.)
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To: SnakeDoctor

That is what I thought first too when I read the title. LOL


13 posted on 01/08/2013 9:53:53 AM PST by Kaslin (He needed the ignorant to reelect him, and he got them. Now we all have to pay the consequenses)
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To: Kaslin
While I do believe God wants the man to be the head of the house and the one who is in charge of major decisions, God does not expect women to be clueless of our financial situation. God also blesses women with special talents like H does men, Sometimes those talents include a better sense of organization.

My wife is one of those people who has a very good sense of organization, where as I am disorganized. That being said, we agreed long ago that she should be in charge of watching our finances. So, my wife takes care of paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, and handling what credit cards we keep, get rid of, and apply for. We do discuss our finances however.

I on the other hand handle all our investments, and we are doing good for our future retirement. At least until Obama decides to nationalize the stock market.

When she has a question about anything we sit down and discuss it. She knows that if we need more money that I will make it, or we will cut back.

Our latest credit rating was above 850, and we have not payed interest on credit cards in 25 years. Today our total debt is $3,000, and most of that is from firewood we purchased to get through the winter, Christmas gifts, and the remainder of from medical bills racked up from spinal surgery I had last November on my neck.

Our home is paid for, and we have two vehicles that work great. One is a 1990 Toyota king-cab PU, and the other is a 2000 Ford Box Van with a lift kit, needed for my wife because she needs a wheelchair to get around.

I have always believed that both the husband and wife should make financial decisions together, but the man needs to be the one with the final say in all matters. So while my wife has done a masterful job, when it comes to decisions, she looks to me to make the final decision, and I look to God for my final decision.

Its worked great for us, and as I said, 25 years later we are sitting good. Ultimately I give the credit to God. God has given us what we need, and when he sees fit, he give us something extra.

I live my life as God requires me to. I always struggle in my walk with God, but I have faith that he will always forgive me as long as I go to Him for forgiveness. Another thing I do is use Scripture to use as a guide in my life, and no other scripture guides my financial life more than Proverb 30:7-9

Two things I request of You Deprive me not before I die. Remove falsehood and lies far from me; Give me neither poverty nor riches Feed me with the food allotted to me; Lest I be full and deny You, And say, "Who is the LORD?" Or lest I be poor and steal, And profane the name of my God.

14 posted on 01/08/2013 10:01:33 AM PST by OneVike (I'm just a Christian waiting to go home)
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To: Resolute Conservative
Best marriage advise I ever got was from my female banker was to have separate bank accounts and credit cards.

I know several married couples who have such an arrangement. Separate accounts, and agreed upon arrangements as to who pays what: he may pay mortgage; she may pay for groceries; he pays for his car, she pays for hers.

That said, I just don't understand why they would choose to manage this separately. Why isn't it "our" money in a marriage, instead of his and hers? Does anyone else use such an arrangement, or know enough to elaborate?

15 posted on 01/08/2013 10:12:56 AM PST by Lou L (Health "insurance" is NOT the same as health "care")
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To: Kaslin
My wife of 30 years and I convene a "program review" once a week to compare actuals to budget and pay the bills online. She's an ex-program manager and tracks the budget. I'm ex-aerospace engineer and I optimize the cash flow and reconcile the accounts. We're both fully involved in the finances and either one of us could do the whole thing if we had to.

The only drawback is we can't keep any financial secrets other than whatever cash we can squirrel away from our pocket money but that's probably for the best!

16 posted on 01/08/2013 10:32:31 AM PST by Menehune56 ("Let them hate so long as they fear" (Oderint Dum Metuant), Lucius Accius (170 BC - 86 BC))
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To: Lou L

Well in my case my lovely wife cannot seem to grasp that you make X and cannot spend more than X when writing checks and got in trouble occasionally. When we had just the one account there was a few times that I went to pay a living expense bill or an emergency like a service call for an appliance or unscheduled auto repair and there was not enough to pay it because of poor arithmetic. No longer an issue.


17 posted on 01/08/2013 11:45:49 AM PST by Resolute Conservative
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To: Lou L
That said, I just don't understand why they would choose to manage this separately. Why isn't it "our" money in a marriage, instead of his and hers? Does anyone else use such an arrangement, or know enough to elaborate?

The only way it makes any sense is if we've come to the point that people get married and immediately form contingency plans for a divorce. It sounds crass and certainly "unromantic", but then that seems to be the direction we've been traveling for some time now.

Wisconsin is a "community property" State so such a division means nothing in terms of "yours" and "mine" everything is "ours". A "no kids" divorce in Wisconsin splits everything right down the middle.

Regards,
GtG

18 posted on 01/08/2013 12:59:45 PM PST by Gandalf_The_Gray (I live in my own little world, I like it 'cuz they know me here.)
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To: Kaslin

What about the situation where the wife earns 80% of the income—pays all the bills; the husband is paying almost all his salary to the ex-wife and still wants to be king of his castle (dictate how money is spent; what decisions are made)?


19 posted on 01/08/2013 1:33:58 PM PST by AbolishCSEU (Percentage of Income in CS is inversely proportionate to Mother's parenting of children)
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To: OneVike

Notice what Proverbs 31 says about the perfect wife. She handles the real estate transactions, buys and sells goods, manages the staff, works at a home business, and is a competent financial manager. Her worth is far above rubies.


20 posted on 01/08/2013 2:14:57 PM PST by ottbmare (The OTTB Mare)
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To: Lou L

We each have a small checking account with its bank card because the bank issues only one card per account, and swiping is the way each of us does most of our small-time shopping. It’s just a convenience.

Otherwise, everything is joint, all bills jointly paid. I DO think that all this up-front his/hers anticipates an eventual divorce.


21 posted on 01/08/2013 2:38:30 PM PST by EDINVA
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To: Gandalf_The_Gray

“people get married and immediately form contingency plans for a divorce”

Maybe you’re right. We’ve been married 41 years and have never combined our accounts. We both had rather unsuccessful first marriages. I’ll let you know how it worked out in a few more years...:^)


22 posted on 01/08/2013 4:50:32 PM PST by pepperdog ( I still get a thrill up my leg when spell check doesn't recognize the name/word Obama!)
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To: ottbmare
Notice what Proverbs 31 says about the perfect wife.

Good point, Proverb 31 is an excellent example of God allowing the wife to handle the homes finances. It is said that Proverb 31 was written by Solomon's mother, Bathsheba. Ancient Jewish tradition identifies King Lemuel to be King Solomon.

David was in his late years when Solomon was being raised. Like all of David's many children, it was his wives who raised them. God allowed the union of David and Uriah's widow to produce the lineage that would lead to the birth of both Jesus' earthly parents, Joseph through Solomon, and Mary through his brother Nathan.

As an aside, Bathsheba: (2 Samuel 11:1-27), is one of only four women named in Matthew's genealogy of Jesus. (Matthew 1:1-6) The others being, Tamar: (Genesis 38:6-30), Rahab: (Joshua 2:1-24), and Ruth: (Ruth 1:1-4:22).

Evidently, God has a much higher opinion of a women than many Christian men do.

23 posted on 01/08/2013 8:44:57 PM PST by OneVike (I'm just a Christian waiting to go home)
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To: Resolute Conservative
Best marriage advise I ever got was from my female banker was to have separate bank accounts and credit cards

lol...that is silly...it's like when I see married hipsters buying groceries together but separately

and if you have kids and yer wife is a stay at home mom...as she should be...then she will get hungry and wear rags with yer idea of separate bank accounts etc

hell I shared money even with my live ins way before marriage...I didn't care...long as they were "good" to me...i wanted a woman and that ain't free lest you're really hot and I'm anything but...I grew up where the man took care of the woman and I like it

is this the new world of how men are when they marry?

24 posted on 01/08/2013 9:08:54 PM PST by wardaddy (wanna know how my kin felt during Reconstruction in Mississippi, you fixin to find out firsthand)
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To: Kaslin

I look at these replies and think....”this is conservatism today”

Sad...truly pathetic

are there any men with balls left or do they let their wife kept them next to the checkbook?

my wife writes the checks for the bills and works on some of our family business clerical crap..and I appreciate it...she would rather my office manager did it for her like my dad’s secretary did for my mom...but alas..

but she pulls the cash from me or from accounts I feed

i do not bird dog her unless I see something excessive or should have been attended to or if i tighten our budget

big things like cars we talk about as a courtesy or she tells me what she wants...which is easy...she drives a Land Cruiser with only 10,000 miles per year...7 years now same car

but if I wanted to buy her a Cayenne or GL450 I just would but I’d be sure to get her color..but given this economy that ain’t happening

me ..it’s pickups and it’s time soon with 200,000 on the Dodge

even in the best of times and marriages there will be financial friction ...you have to work through it

btw...I think the women multitask myth is just that...a myth

they don’t multitask one bit better than men...women like things static...and safe


25 posted on 01/08/2013 9:19:52 PM PST by wardaddy (wanna know how my kin felt during Reconstruction in Mississippi, you fixin to find out firsthand)
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To: Resolute Conservative

Yuck! I’d never want separate accounts. My husband makes the money and and I run the house and raise the children. We decide on the budget together and each of us gets the cash we need for the month. If something comes up and we don’t have the cash on hand to cover something, then we meet to discuss how to cover the unexpected expense.

We do have more than one account. We have a super savings account that does not get touched. EVER! It is our strictly emergency savings. We have a regular savings account for smaller things like a new car or repairs, mini vacation, etc. We live well below our means and are able to put money into savings every month. My husband has a credit card for work travel expenses but we do not carry a balance.

Being debt free has been the most freeing thing to happen in our marriage. It only took us 18 years!! Okay, it took us 12 years to pile up debt and 6 years to get rid of it. Worth every horrifying, gazelle intense moment! :0)


26 posted on 01/09/2013 8:14:13 AM PST by samiam1972 ("It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish."-Mother Teresa)
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To: CSM

I knew it: your new year’s resolution was: “Beat Altariel to the ‘Dave Ramsey ping’.”

Your secret is out!


27 posted on 01/10/2013 10:57:17 PM PST by Altariel ("Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!")
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To: Altariel

Haha! I was just lucky this one time.....


28 posted on 01/11/2013 6:43:39 AM PST by CSM (Keeper of the Dave Ramsey Ping list. FReepmail me if you want your beeber stuned.)
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To: Lou L

We have separate accounts that work like this:

All accounts belong to both of us legally. My paycheck goes into the account I use primarily, and the same with the account the hubby uses.

I am responsible for the kids school tuition, music and sports fees, insurance, groceries, clothes, gifts, etc. Hubs handles the big stuff.

No chance of over-drafts because we forgot to tell the other about an expenditure and no need to call and ask “is there money in the account” if we need gas for the car, etc.


29 posted on 01/11/2013 7:52:12 AM PST by mom4melody
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