Posted on 01/01/2013 9:11:57 PM PST by San Rafael Blue
I'm sure other middle-aged adults are going through similar situations. I live on the west coast, but hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise. I grew up in a huge bricked home with full basement, attic, four bedrooms two bathrooms. I am still very close to my three siblings and to Dad. St. Cecilia, The Catholic grade school we attended is still functioning, and only two blocks from the house. Daddy attends 9am Mass each Sunday. My Mother passed away about 20 years ago.
The 'Problem' is that our sweet old family home is completely falling apart, inside and out. The four of us adult children used to stage emergency intervention meetings with Daddy, trying a little tough love, to convince him that it is way past time to get out, to rent a smaller place. Our Dad deserves so much better, he and our Mom gave us so much. It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house.
The Daddy of 1983 would never, never have tolerated, or defended living in such a manner. He is still a wise man, and a deep caring soul, but seems not to notice the condition of his home as it exists today. Oh well. Dad would say, ;Not yet', I have to get the place cleaned up first'. I believe he actually has changed over the years, and now wishes to move out, but it will have to occur on his schedule, not ours. Our approach to this issue has changed since then. Stop fighting him about doing what we four want done, relax and cherish the moments now!
It may have been around four years ago, after the first oily wave of Obamination Fever, we four made a tacit agreement to just stop bringing it up unbidden. We have decided to accept that at this stage in his life, Daddy must make this decision if at all possible.
For a while, I even toyed with the idea of calling the local health /Sanitation Dept. or some organization devoted to Senior Health and Well-being. I was going to report that a most serious injustice is now occuring to a wonderful christian man, and perhaps he should be 'persuaded' by the local authorities to move out. What if he were to return to the house after church one sunday only to find the front door chained and padlocked shut? ''Oh, look what happened!! Wow, now I guess you'll HAVE TO MOVE OUT...right? Then, he would have to, have to move on. I have always been one to overthink a scenario, to become macavaillian (sp). I was quickly talked out of any well meaning sabotage. Might have been too much of a shock, may have been seen as my betrayal. I'm the only one of us four who would even consider something so over the top.
We four have decided to enjoy whatever time we have left with our Dad, without being put on his s%@t list. That man has an elephant's memory. My Dad usd to be an assistant boxing coach at Kronx Boxing near Detroit, and has been a guiding light to hundreds of inner city youth or to their sons. Visiting has become much easier since I come to see and talk to my Dad, not to bloviate, or to stage yet another failed intervention. I will instead offer to put the storm windows up for the oncoming winter. It get's cold this close to Windsor Ontario(Canada). I think one reason Daddy hangs onto that place is because our Mother's loving, laughing spirit is still there, even among the dust and debri.
As long as he is able to care of himself and can make rational decisions let him stay where he is.
When he is no longer able to do that, and is a potential danger to himself, it’s up to the family, and not an outside agency, to put Dad where he will be well taken care of. That would be with a relative or in assisted living.
this is the problem....
all well in good to think a 60 yro who probably works full time ( like my husband) and has his own home to keep up (like my husband) and does a little volunteer work ( like my husband) plus tries to keep his own place up (like my husband) can just spare all the time to keep up another household for someone that can't do it himself....
when does my husband get a break may I ask.....he's worked since age 14, raised 3 kids, and is still working, and he's had to "take care of" elderly parents who are too stubborn to see the light of day as far as living arrangements.....living "independently" does not mean needing someone to plow the snow, cut wood, bring it into the house, do house repairs, etc etc....
the middle is being squeezed to death by the younger generation and the oldest one....its a no win situation....
I've already told my husband that we will smell the coffee when the time comes....
First, was to close off any unneeded areas of the home. Old bedrooms, a second bathroom which was in poor repair. In our case, it was converting a den into a bedroom, and re-adjusting the living room. Unused items were moved to the sealed off areas of the home, heating ducts closed, to reduce the drain on the bills to maintain comfort in areas where no one was staying.
There was a lot of resistance to this, and eventually, it was agreed that those were still the bedrooms of the children, and they could keep their doors locked if they wanted to. The hardest was the garage areas, but by moving unneeded furniture into this area, it effectively ‘closed’ it off.
The second agreement was weekly visits by a housekeeper to handle various chores and one sit down meal. That was less hard - after all, who relishes cleaning toilets? We had contacted my father's church, spoken with the priest, and found an appropriate person that our father knew who would be willing to take on the job.
Honestly, the best solution is that if one of you is in the position to, returning home to live with your father with their family. But that does not sound like a possible solution, as it wasn't in our case either.
By focusing the attention on a smaller living space, we were able to upgrade living conditions, reduce clutter, and add in some safety features - handrails in the shower, non-slip flooring, handrails next to the toilet.
The one ‘sit down’ meal a week required supplies my father wouldn't have on hand, so the housekeeper would handle the weekly shopping, dispose of any outdated food in the fridge, and leave leftovers for a follow on meal.
Between those, myself and my siblings would make calls, kids would talk to grandpa. We used Skype for video calling, though today you can use a very modest tablet which requires virtually no skill for anyone to use.
The extra, constant attention helped draw our father back from the edge, and he took a lot of steps to improve how he lived his life. Eventually he opened up that he resisted visits as he felt like he was a stranger intruding into someone else’s life, whereas the constant communication and interaction from the compromise brought him back into the fold.
Regrettably, my father isn't still with us today, but I hope our experiences will help you. It sounds like you've got a great starting point - his church - to work with. I hope you work out your own compromise and that your family home once again rings regularly with the laughter of family.
She is now in the adult living apartment, but her baby brother has recently had to go to a nursing home. She refuses to go herself, but really should due to her heart condition, among other things.
By the way, part of the reason she will not go is that she does not want to give up her freedom, which includes driving on a daily basis. She drives to the mall, grocery store, her appointments. One would say God bless her...let her do what she wants. Well, she is 98 now, and cannot hear or see well. She will not wear her glasses. She just drove to the store in a snow storm the other day, against our wishes. She has had fender benders in the past, and it is just a matter of time that she has another accident. I fear for others in her way.
Her 4 children don't have the courage to take the keys away. She has always been the boss, and it would be a fight. She renewed her license in person last year at age 97 as she had to get a new picture. They praised her for being the age she is and did not even test her. They actually encouraged her to drive. We could not believe it as we thought this would be the end when they would deny her a license. There should be a law for mandatory testing at a certain age. I may just write the governor about it.
There is a time for everything, including how long one should be left to live alone, and how long one must be allowed to drive. I pray that when I am older, I will have the wisdom to know when it is time to give up certain things.
Michigan's back east? Who knew. ahahah
(My dad is buried there)
We had the same problem different parish: Saint Ambrose.
My sister an RN decided to move in with him. He gets testy but its working out.
You honor your elders. Most likely they made sacrifices for you.
You might ask your parents the same thing. When did they get a break? It’s not the parents nor the children that are the problem. It’s there is no family anymore. Family takes care of each other.
Leave Dad ALONE. He is at peace and happy and, as you noted later, is with the memories of the woman he loved. He likes where he is. Why should he move because you and your siblings are upset.
If he doesn’t have proper plumbing or heating you need to get the repairs done to care for him properly. You need to make sure he is living in a decent environment. If its clutter, why not help him on a very small scale. Maybe he’d accept an afternoon of gathering up the bowling trophies, or organizing the kitchen. Then wait a while before suggesting the next declutter project.
Keep him in charge of his life as long as he can manage, but yes, you can make sure the basic needs of shelter are met.
Going through this now with a dad with Alzheimer’s and a mom who is insisting on no help. Big sigh. It’s hard. Ironically, her reasons for being so stubborn when everyone knows she can’t do this alone are always to not be a burden on her kids. But this is causing her to be a heavy burden on us! I hope I am far easier on my kids and will accept at least minimum help to let them not worry as much.
Very true. My dad worked 13 days straight many times up to 12 hour days yet he and one of my uncles kept Grandma's {my Mom's mom} house needed repairs done between the two of them. Both Mom and dad have been there for me through thick and thin. I owe both plenty in many ways.
Dad passed a little over a year ago. One thing he asked of me really the only thing as he knew his time was at hand was to take care of my mom. Mom is 81. I'm not in the best of physical health I'm actually disabled. Ladders are off limits by doctors orders. But I do all I can do to help her. My son in law who can climb ladders helps as does our grandson now in his early teens. They do the roof cleaning etc on her place and mine.
I understand what a full plate is. Mine stays that way. I also understand priorities. I understand the frustration of not being able to keep the house up too the standards some would wish or expect. I understand a person lacking the energy to do so. I'm the cook, housekeeper, driver, nurse, you name in our home.
When dads last weeks were upon him Mom, myself, and my niece, took care of him till his death. A considerable portion I dealt with because I'm a trained caregiver. In the meantime I was also caring for my wife which I've done for 27 years. Then my niece and myself were also taking care of my sister {nieces Mom} who for her safety is in a Memory Care Unit after her husband died suddenly.
My house was last painted outside about 8 years ago. The decks need pressure washed, the driveway needs grading, and repairs need done. Two days ago I finally managed to get the boat dad left me covered for winter which I had been putting off for two months due to other priorities I never took it out this year.
Dad used to jokingly tell me "you do real good for an 80 year old man" LOL. Mom lives down the road in a two story house. Right after Christmas she told me this was her last year hosting Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner which I said I think you made a wise decision. Oh, we had been wanting her to slow down and let us take over but she wouldn't have it. It was her domain and she enjoyed it.
Last summer Mom wanted the carpeting ripped up so I said OK I'll do it. I got three rooms done and she said lets wait till I get new windows put in and I'll have new carpet put in. The floor underneath the carpet was tongue and groove and looked fine so I said OK. The windows are in {professionally installed} no mention of carpeting so far.
I suspect when Mom can't do for herself any longer and needs someone with her we'll be moving in with her for duration. My wife and I discussed it and are OK with it. Or if she wishes she can live with us we have an extra bedroom. Either way she will be taken care of as long as I have the mental and physical ability to do so. The only thing I can't talk her into is getting Hearing Aids :>{
Right now are grandkids are from ages 10-20. I'll be watching them and the one who acts responsible will be given a place to build on so they can help me maintain the place. I do have about 30 acres of land.
My GMIL lives in a 60’s mobile home that is behind hope. We’ve tried to get her to move out.. The park called me the other day to warn us that the home is way past its replacement date and they have been letting that slide for 15 years but now people are starting to complain.
It’s likely the ONLY way we’ll get her out of that house.
now the fight is, do we replace it or move her some place else.
For now, I’ll let her fight with park management.
My MIL lives in a shack in the mountains. We visited her once. We slept in the car. The shack was on stilts and very unstable. No plumbing, no electricity.
She lives there with her husband. They love the place.
We tried to talk her out of it.
Failed.
Oh well. Both are happy in their current situations. We pray every day that their housing continues to stand and provide the needed shelter.
So far, our prayers have been answered.
You are a very good man.
My grandmother had a stroke when I was seven. My grandfather never put her in a nursing home. He had nurses to help when needed and my mother and aunt were there every day helping out. I remember she could only move her eyes; but he would hold her hand everyday and sit by her. He was also in a wheelchair after suffering a broken hip slipping on ice; but she was the most important person to him.
I used to work in nursing homes as a maintenance mechanic. Co-workers taught me my nursing skills before my wife came home from a six month hospital stay in 1985. I worked up till 1994. Latest thing to hit is she was diagnosed a couple months ago with Thyroid Cancer. The thyroid is out now and radioactive iodine treatment comes this month sometime. Doctor said that should cure it.
‘The only thing I can’t talk her into is getting Hearing Aids.’
What is it about folks who could use hearing aids??
That’s a particular sort of vanity I’m not understanding - don’t know what it is.
Especially with the devices today, if that’s the problem - seeing the device which means knowing one is hard of hearing.
Like who didn’t know, when one has to talk extra loud around these people!
Personally, I wouldn’t want to miss hearing anything, esp music, so will gladly buy a device, if/when it becomes necessary.
Couldn’t be simpler, seems to me.
Need to fix- - -
‘Especially with the devices today, if that’s the problem - seeing the device knowing one is hard of hearing.’
Meant the devices today are less visible.
And the possible problem with vanity was when the devices were more visible.
Prayers for you both.
I know him
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