Posted on 11/04/2011 5:30:37 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls!
Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"
"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"
"Very Good Jenny!"
Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.
Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.
"Harassment! " says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment yes!"
Woohoo!!!! It’s finally Friday!!!!
In before the PING! TGIF! Lets hope there is no more snow for the Northeast for a long time and everybody gets their power back today.
“Anybody home?” she asked.
“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”
Top 10?
Top 10
woooo hoooo Tgif!!!
Subject: FW: ‘Twas the night before elections
This is a cute way of telling us to get out and vote.
Twas the night before elections,
And all thru’ the town,
Tempers were flaring
Emotions ran up and down.
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap,
Had shut off the TV,
tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden,
There arose such a noise,
I peered out my window,
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet,
They wanted my pay
To hand out to others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money,
And quick as a wink,
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink.
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart.
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, on Pelosi’
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause,
And as they flew out of sight,
I heard him laugh at a nation
Who wouldn’t stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note...
IF YOU DON’T WANT MORE OF IT
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!
Ditto....maybe
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning.
The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema
playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with
rough-looking, tatooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the
middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell
tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.
What would you do?
Watch till the end .....
http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr.. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished, so I finished off a six pack of Corona, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay,a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum
Make sure you watch it until after the credits.... sound on...
http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film
Have you heard about the new Herman Cain Accuser doll?
You pull her string and 15 years later she talks.
THAT WAS EPIC! Posted if to my FB page. My husband did a job in Hawaii many years ago for Mr. Carlsberg. Said he was a super nice guy and always had beers for them at the end of the day! Looking forward to showing this to him!
I was just trying to get her attention, honest!
“I called a suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck,” he said.
I hope that little fellow doesn’t plan to be the GOP nominee for President when he grows up...
“’Ain't’? Where's your grammar?”
“She's in the kitchen washin’ dishes.”
I actually lol’ed. Thanks
Here’s a couple more bumper stickers:
U.S. Marines - Counselors for the 72 Virgins Dating Club
1 shot, 12 kills - U.S. Navy Gunfire Support
Happiness is a belt fed weapon
Boyohboy! Do I every need some Silly! LOL!
I’d do it! LOL!
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.
_____
lol
Hi there! I made it two Friday mornings in a row!
Pendulum Waves
You may recall from a Mechanics course that the period of a pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the pendulum, the slower it swings.
Cambridge students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row, each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them in motion and filmed the result.
The resulting patterns in this short video are quite fascinating to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVkdfJ9PkRQ&feature=player_embedded#!
Dude, I’m complaining to the boss about you if I don’t get amy more work done because I’m watching that over and over again. Especially since it links to other cool ones like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9PZizBDBZw&feature=relmfu
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