Posted on 06/30/2011 10:09:07 PM PDT by JustAmy
Housecleaning Hints
— Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
— Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim “What? And spoil the mood?” (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)
— Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
— Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
Thank you.....Enjoy! :)
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - boohoo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit on their FAVORITE chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was .....Hmmm.
Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen
for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
MORE
Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”
General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere.” As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven’t had time to clean... Works every time.
Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you’ve been sick and unable to clean.
DAY 775 - Vet said my weight was 14 lbs. my last visit to that Chamber of Horrors he refers to as his office. I dearly WISH that I was only ten times the size I am. That’s 140 lbs. I could kill those dratted humans and hide them in the garden if I could just GROW to ten times my current size. HOPE. FAITH. All that keeps me going. I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL, and to make it worse, my captors tell awful silly stories about all the “cute” things I do. My patience is wearing thin . . . . . if only I can just go to sleep with my head under the couch where I can’t see them; which means that they can’t see me either. Then I’ll be invisible . . . which is good . . . .
I'm going into the job tomorrow positive because of YOU.
Thanx for that.
Somebody walked around the complex last night and tried all the handles of vehicles - took stuff out that they found and strew them about - but that don't matter.
Ask Mom, and she'll tell you: Dad don't think EVER.
So. What?
I'm spoda care because of some ass-hat crazy what? You deleted some post of mine?
As IF that matters.
My occupation is words. Whether I am writing or editing, I am using words to convey ideas so that readers can understand. I can usually see whats wrong with someone elses writing (though sometimes not with my own) and figure out how to fix it.
As an editor, I am paid for being critical. My job is to see whats wrong with the way words are used. This ability becomes a disability when I carry it over into my personal life and always look for what is wrong. Focusing on whats wrong can cause us to miss everything thats good.
The apostle Paul had reason to focus on what was wrong in the Philippian church. Certain people were preaching the gospel out of selfish ambition to add to Pauls suffering (Phil. 1:16). But instead of concentrating on the negative, he chose to look at the positive and rejoice in it: Jesus Christ was being preached (v.18).
God wants us to be discerningwe need to know good from badbut He doesnt want us to focus on the bad and become critical or discouraged. Even in circumstances that are less than ideal (Paul was writing from prison), we can find something good because in times of trouble God is still at work.
Read: Philippians 1:12-18
Stay off this thread, thanks.
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What a great picture, JC! Oh, to live where the parrots fly free!
Cast my cares on Jesus and drop to my knees and cry for mercy. His yoke is light ...
MATTHEW 1:29-30
King James Bible
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Light, ... having eyes to see, and a heart to understand ..
Praise God!
Thank you and I sure wish I were there at this moment. I am going through papers looking for something and I’m losing the battle. Need to quit a while and settle myself down. So thats why I wish I was somewhere else....LOL!
Thank thee Lord for thy grace, love, mercy and loving kindness, in Jesus name.
Hi Meg! Wanted to thank you for Sunday and for all your beautiful flower post’s and your closing graphic was just so relaxing!! Thank you!! :)
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Beautiful, jaycee..I’d love to be there!
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