History 101

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

NEW DISCOVERY, “THE DEAD RED SCROLLS” REFINES AND CONFIRMS HISTORY OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

(3/26/09, WASHINGTON)
As is often the case, history is codified long before all the primary sources have been found. Sometimes the history we think we know can be refined through discovery of new texts.

For example, our understanding of the ancient Hebrews, dependent mainly on the Bible itself, was clarified and refined through the Dead Sea Scrolls.

For some time historians relied on an Origins history of how humankind evolved in 2 groups, Liberals and Conservatives. The former developed expertise in sewing, fetching and hair-dressing. The latter grew expert in tracking, hunting and animal killing, activities that define the origins of conservatism. The received text is available at: http://www.sodahead.com/blog/50459/history-101-liberals-and-conservatives/

Scholars have been able to refine this history due to the discovery, by Tanzanian anthropologist Roger Musiba, of a trove of ancient documents written in a language related to modern Uxish. Two translated fragments appear to have been written by a small group of nomadic hunter/gatherers who were contemporaries of those depicted in the Origins tale, History 101.

FRAGMENT 1: BEER

///(untranslatable until—>.....We have a problem. We used to live as pastoral hunter/gatherers, eating deer in summer and going to the coast for fish in the winter. This was good because we had good bow and arrow and many of us could shoot well.

We also had invented weel (sic), which helped bring us to the beer, which one man made for us. He taught beermaking to his son, who made beer for us, and that son taught the same to his son after him. We were happy, except for people called Liberals who said we should share beer with them, even though they could not shoot bow and arrow.

Then the 5th generation beermaking son grew sick, and he had no son of his own. Before he died, he said he would teach his daughter to make beer. We said “No, beer is traditional man’s work”. Then he asked for money to make a School for Beer so every boy could learn to make beer before reaching the important age of (Ed: disputed translation: either “Killing/Farting” or “Tax eligibility”, we are unsure which is correct).

Some Liberals said “Yes, tax us for school!”

We used bow and arrow on them, and many went away.

We said “no new taxes!”, and then the beermaker died.

And then, we had no beer for 100 years.

Finally, our new hero Bumpunkwit, discovered how to make beer again. He said it needs barley, hops, Special Seed of God, and water.

We hunted for barley and hops, which were plentiful in this area.

But it was a problem that each time we shot our arrow, we could catch only one barley grain at a time. Some of the girlie-men Liberals said we needed to “grow a farm”. We tried to kill them again, but our women made us put some of the Liberals in a field with a fence to keep them from running away, and we did so.

While we hunted barley, Liberal girlie men grew their farm and harvested much barley and hops. We lost many women to these ugly, small people who liked to wear Uhdee Bower”
(Ed: contemporaneous sources suggest the “Uhdee Bower” refers to sweaters made from old bottles instead of regular animal skin favored by most).

The girlie-men had many children. Then everyone made farms.

FRAGMENT 2: THE POO POO WAR

....(untranslatable) tied up and roasted alive, and there was much celebration. (fragment)

Most farm fields were near the river. Some men said that poo poo near the field could go in the same river where we drew water. Other men said they drank from the river but never got sick and only weak Liberal girlie men died from poo poo water.

The Liberals said to put a single poo poo place far away from the river. They called for a money tax to pay one man to build a poo poo place for all to use.

We said not to depend on the poo poo welfare state. Each man can make his own poo poo place in his own field.

Liberal girlie men said water from fields would go into the river and tried to say we are mean and heartless, like old vultures. We said they were wimpy and like women.

We shot them with bow and arrow and they went away.

Now, we have a problem with the poo poo, because there is more and more coming out and it does not stop.

Some have died but many families are saying they want to go join the Liberal girlie men.

EDITOR: the translated text ends here.

Scientists say the Dead Red Scrolls provide valuable corroboration to the History 101 origins tale.
It appears there were indeed 2 variant human forms, continuing to this day.

One is Liberal, and symbolized by the donkey, of which there are an estimated 59 million in the world. These creatures are used as the lifeline to survival in many places because of their ability to perform useful work in domestic and social settings, and their ability to withstand environmental extremes, including draught, in large part through mutual interdependence.

The other is Conservative, symbolized by the elephant. There are less than 1 million of these beautiful and dangerous creatures left. It is considered cruel and merciless to kill an elephant, since they are at perpetual risk of extinction. However, many prize their fearsome tusks as aphrodisiacs. Despite a robust international market in tusk powder, the powder confers no potency whatsoever, and this is considered an example of a speculative market economy destined to collapse of its own weight, something that Conservatives tend to favor.

The elephant is not to be underestimated, however, as it produces at least 220 pounds of fecal material daily, much of which is to be found on the internet.

Reported by Francis Jones with assistance from Alfred Takaguwa.

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