Posted on 06/30/2008 8:07:10 PM PDT by Focault's Pendulum
Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.
This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:
* insects
* other trained attack kittens
* babies
* toilet paper
* anything under a blanket
* unwanted house guests
* paper bags
* floor rugs
* Chuck Norris
* Feet.
Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting.
He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be.
This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively.
Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.
Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.
Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.
Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars.
For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house!!!
Oh, good. We haven’t had a good Viking Kitty Thread in quite a while.
.."eeeekk he's a jihadist"
Just a bit of feline diversion.
Bring on the Viking Kitties!!!!!I miss them!
I don’t think I believe this, but FWIW.
My former kitty from hell became a big lovable fuzzball. 16 months old now, he only gets up to get his treats, talk to the birds in the trees and give us kisses. It took some time to correct his behavior but it was worth it. I can only hope someone will adopt him and will give him the environment he needs, he definitely should not be around your kids.
Good luck to you and Prozac Kitty :)
thanks for the laff!
And then one day the Cylons decided to kill their masters...
“Chuck Norris” - LOL!!!
We recently adopted a cat by way of my brother; it’s the first one we’ve ever had. He’s about 2 or 3 years old, and after reading this, I’m thankful that all he does is fall off windowsills.
He does have a thing for towels, though. When my brother gave him to us, he said, “Put a towel down on the floor and see what happens.” So we did, and this animal takes a great deal of delight in getting a running start and skidding on the towel, like kids with the skimmer boards at the beach. Then he’ll start bunching it up and freaking out. Strange critter, but very sweet, and he’s a lot of laughs.
Need another kitty???
HILARIOUS!!!
Great with children (provided you don’t like children)!!!!
No cat can ever get this way by accident. This person might have even helped create this abomination. He/she needs to euthanize it - or learn to live with it.
I rescued a kitten a few years ago that turned out to be an attack kitty before he was even this size. I have been around cats all my life and this was the worst one I have ever seen. He was literally demolishing my house. I was nice enough to give him to my daughter’s ex-mother-in-law. I accomplished this by letting my grandson have the honor of giving her the kitten so of course she was stuck with it. I was overjoyed with the weekly updates of Joker’s oneryness. The lady did love him dearly though so it worked out great for him too.
This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively.
Our 1 year old Mainecoone does that!
Oh yes they can; if you have enough cats over your lifetime you will find a few attack kittys amongst the bunch. True attack kitties are born, and need no help to be rotten through and through. I have had two, and my mother had a really bad one that she called Bad Bob. Bad Bob was really bad and though my mother loved and spoiled him (and attempted discipline) and from birth he was an indoor kitty, as he got older he became feral by his own choice.
lol!
I had one that was so territorial that he would stand at the top of the stairs and growl down anyone that tried to go up the stairs.
He hooked me one time all the way through my skin like a fish hook (in one side and out the other) because I picked him up. I played hell trying to get him to retract his hook from out of my arm. He was finally made to live out his “bitter” life outdoors. He was a happy fellow after that... killing rabbits, snakes, and whatever on our country property. The cat even had an evil look to him. He was a orange tabby with the most vivid true green eyes I have ever seen on a cat. He was a total terror from the time we brought him home at 8 weeks old. We thought he would chill out, but he never did. He finally died of old age years ago.
"You grab the ankle and I'll grab the kibble on his way down. Nothing to it."
Watch it. With two they eventually learn the fine art of the conspiracy and thought transference!
Omg! It's a Viking kitty in training!
...or zotting trolls.
Terror Kitty’s long lost brother? ping
Thank G_d for playstation and nintendo, it keeps the sickos busy.
My sister had a mostly white, very bad tempered girl kitty she named Hitler due to her crooked Hitler-style black mustache marking below her nose. Hitler lived many years and regularly terrorized my sister’s other cats.
There is a whole website devoted to them at:
Can you believe it??? Just goes to show there is something for everyone...
You need medical attention.
CAT’S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
http://www.kittens-lair.net/cat-humor/cats-diary.html
ping
Oh, I believe it.
Ever had a calico?
FYI, Just in case your looking for a Viking Kitty to adopt.
OMG.
That is utterly one of the most brilliant pieces of satire I’ve ever seen on the Web.
And at the same time, it’s beyond twisted, and borders on the sick.
But it’s PIYP funny if you take it the right way.
Is that why my newly rescued 8 month old calico kitten acts the way she does??? I knew about the "Tortie-tude" with my other cat, Tasha the Tortie but now I have to look out for the tiny, innocent, cute Calico?
I didn't invent the thing!!
Some FReeper saw fit to send me a FReepmail, telling me that I was "promoting animal cruelty" and that my "real intentions shine right through." I have no idea what "intentions" are floating through this imaginative person's head. It is amazing how many people don't understand the concept of satire -- and extraordinary how delusional some people are.
For the FReeper who thinks she knows all about me : you DON'T. Get a grip. Lighten up, Francis. Don't get your knickers in a twist. And any other cliches I can think of.
Yikes, that's a frightening concept! Please tell me that this cat is not marching in "pride" parades, demanding separate restrooms, and going to swinging soirees with all his?/her? "bended" animal buddies!
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