****The Official Friday Silliness Thread (Salute To Mothers)****

[Lucky9teen]

All of us were guided by our mother's voice, wisdom and common sense, even if we didn't think so at the time. Whether we remember what she said fondly, or try to forget these phrases, they are still part of us. Ultimately, without even realizing it, we pass them along to our children, who will in most likelihood pass it on to their children.

Here are a few that maybe you will remember!!!

"Someday your face will freeze like that!"

"You kids are trying to drive me crazy!"

When you don't listen to your Mother, that's when you get into trouble.

"What if everyone jumped off a cliff ...Would you do it, too?"

"I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!"

Five minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of trouble.

"You're going to put your eye out with that thing!"

"How many times do I have to tell you ...Don't throw things in the house!"

"I don't know" is NOT an answer.

 "If you can't say something nice ...don't say anything at all."

Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!

I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!

"Don't put that in your mouth ...you don't know where it's already been."

"Don't pick ... it'll get infected."

Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!

"There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!"

"Always put on clean underwear in the morning, in case you're in an accident."

Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.

"I hope someday you have children just like you."

"I'm not just talking to hear myself talk."

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?

When you have your own house then you can make the rules!

You made your bed, now lie in it.

"I'm going to give you until the count of three."

This hurts me, more than it hurts you.

"Close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

Don't make me tell you again.

I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!"

I don't want to hear that again.

Not another word out of you!

Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Because I'm your mother.

"You can be anything you want to be ...if you just set your mind to it."

Money does not grow on trees.

Pretty is as pretty does!

What part of NO don't you understand?

And last but not least, my personal favorite:

"I LOVE YOU!"

[Lucky9teen]

[MrEdd]

Classic

[Lucky9teen]

---

  The Official Friday Silliness Thread

~ Click here to be added or taken off the list ~

Happy Mothers Day to all my FReeper FRiends!!!

[ShadowAce]

Woo Hoo! It’s Friday!!!!

[arbooz]

Bump.

[Rummyfan]

Woo Hoo! Happy Friday!

And Happy Mother's Day to All Freeper Mothers!

[Kimmers]

I survived raising 3 boys with Clairol 86N as my friend, I can relate to all of this.

My eldest son sent me the following link.....enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU

[CholeraJoe]

Happy Mother’s Day, Lucky!

[IrishMike]

Mother’s Day - 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
‘You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.’

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
‘Because I said so, that’s why.’

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

7. My mother taught me IRONY
‘Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
‘Stop acting like your father!’

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
‘Just wait until we get home.’

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’

19. My mother taught me ESP
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
‘You’re just like your father.’

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you’

[usmcobra]

True story.....

My mother sent me a picture of herself when she was a teenager for my platoon’s hog board in Boot Camp.

I still haven’t forgiven her.

[Reaganesque]

Mom! You were right! It did stick that way!

[bigjoesaddle]

Salute to Mothers!

[nuke rocketeer]

For this, you get pun-ished....

My sweet mother got so old she granulated.

Before a mother knows the sex of her baby it’s a hidden agender.

Jack sold a cow for some beans, came home to his mother, and spilled the beans.

[Kimmers]

LOL thanks for the idea

[nuke rocketeer]

He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

[nuke rocketeer]

A new mother received roses and baby’s breath.

[Loud Mime]

That is a timeless video. Brotherhood has never changed.

[Larry Lucido]

Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

[Larry Lucido]

Damn, I want one of those!

[fredhead]

I remember when teachers had those!!!!!

[nuke rocketeer]

[purpleraine]

To my brother: Play nice with your sister!

[purpleraine]

Board of Education

[fredhead]

Here's what I would like to get my wife for Mother's Day. However, I value my life too much to do it. And the guy wants $26,000 for it.

[nuke rocketeer]

I got the wife this card. She's become her mother in the last few years...

[Deaf Smith]

(Jagger/Richards)

What a drag it is getting old
“Kids are different today,”
I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day
“Things are different today,”
I hear ev’ry mother say
Cooking fresh food for a husband’s just a drag
So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak
And goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
And two help her on her way, get her through her busy day
Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, she took four more
What a drag it is getting old
“Men just aren’t the same today”
I hear ev’ry mother say
They just don’t appreciate that you get tired
They’re so hard to satisfy, You can tranquilize your mind
So go running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight
Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, she took four more
What a drag it is getting old
“Life’s just much too hard today,”
I hear ev’ry mother say
The pusuit of happiness just seems a bore
And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose
No more running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day

[nuke rocketeer]

[nuke rocketeer]

[girlscout]

Middle Aged Woman

[girlscout]

Huggies Thong

[blue-duncan]

ME MUDDER
When my prayers were poorly said,
who tucked me in me widdle bed
and spanked me butt til it was red?
.......Me Mudder!

In the morning,
when the lights would come
and in me crib me dribbled some,
who wiped me widdle tiny bun?
.......Me Mudder!

Who took me from my cozy cot
and placed me on me ice cold pot
and made me pee-pee
when me could not?
.......Me Mudder!

Who’s hair so gently she would part
and hold me tightly to her heart
and sometimes squeeze me
til I’d.....fart?
.......Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows
drooped, and screamed and yelled
til she had the croup when in
me Sunday pants I...pooped?
.......Me Mudder!

And at night when the bed did squeak
and me raised me head to have a peek
who yelled at me to go to sleep?
.......Me Fadder!!!!!

[girlscout]

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they asked. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM ... OK?"

[fredhead]

Happy Mother’s Day: Woman pregnant with 18th child

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2013556/posts

[Deaf Smith]

Artist: Clay Walker
Song: ‘fore She Was Mama

‘Bout ten years old, hide and seek
I found me in the closet
Ready or not I stumbled on
And opened up that box of
Yearbooks, letters, black and whites
A hundred, maybe more
Next thing I know my brothers and me
Got ‘em scattered on the floor (Yeah)

There was one of her, flippin’ the bird
Sittin’ on a Harley
And a few with some hairy hippie dude
Turns out his name was Charlie
Her hair, her clothes, her drinkin’ smokin’
Had us boys confused
I’ll never forget the day us nosey kids got introduced

To Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
Won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But I saw Mama, ‘fore she was Mama

We put that box right where it was
And never said a word
But growin’ up got hard just tryin’
Not to picture her
In anything but aprons, dresses
Mini-vans and church
Oh and Daddy would have whooped our butts
For diggin’ up that dirt

On Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
She won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But I saw Mama, ‘fore she was Mama

We laugh and hang it over her head
Right above her halo
Her face turns red when we bring up
That tie-dyed Winnebago
She runs and hides and still denies
That hip high rose tattoo
She burned that box of forget-me-nots
When she found out we knew

About Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
Won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But that was Mama, ‘fore she was Mama

And there’s that one down in the Bahamas
But that was Mama, ‘fore she was Mama

[nuke rocketeer]

[girlscout]

Mommies Little Helper

[sweetiepiezer]

Thanks for the ping.....
Happy Mother’s Day to All.

This is an essay from a writer I used to read a while back.She always captured what was in my heart. She has since retired.

Rae Turnbull:

She wanders slowly
through her garden,
apparently having
no purpose in mind.
But she’s at work.

Much as a mother
looks with a clear
and practiced eye
at every child
in her loving care,
so she now observes
each plant in her garden.

Though it may seem
she wanders there
purely for pleasure,
quite the opposite is true.
She’s at work,
readying her flower beds
for the winter weather.

No more would she
let them go unprotected
through the coming cold,
than she would send
a child of hers
into the wind
without warm clothes.

She is a mother,
tending her brood,
busy with this useful work,
as she wanders happily
through her garden.

[martin_fierro]

[nuke rocketeer]

[sunny48]

‘Lizard Birth’

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

‘He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m
serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at the lizard!’

‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed. ‘She’s
having babies.’

‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!’

I was equally outraged.

‘Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly to my wife.

‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?’ she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.

‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,’ she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’
I announced. ‘We’re about to witness the miracle
of birth..’

‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked.
‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

‘We don’t appear to be making much progress,’ I
noted.

‘It’s breech,’ my wife whispered, horrified.

‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.
‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

‘Should I call 911?’ my eldest daughter wanted to know

‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’ (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.

‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested
scientifically.

‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked.

‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
m ale species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.’ He
blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

‘So, Ernie’s just . just . . excited,’ my wife offered.

‘Exactly,’ the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘It’s just .that . .
I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . ‘
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,’
he told me.

‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[sunny48]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied ...’It’s not talcum powder......It’s ‘Miracle Grow!

[sunny48]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

‘Well’ he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes.’

The little girl screams ‘Don’t eat it, Don’t eat it, it’s an ass hole!’

[sunny48]

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. Spot! Called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young mans feet. Relieved at the dogs having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. Spot! She called out sharply. I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and Ill feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. Spot!!! Shrieked the mother. Get over here before he craps on you!

[envisio]

WOOOOOHOOOOO!1!!

LAST DAY OF WORK FOR ME UNTIL MAY 19!!!



WOOOHOOOO!!!1!!! ITS ON BABY!!!1!!

[absolootezer0]

"What if everyone jumped off a cliff ...Would you do it, too?"

my mother asked that only one time.
my response, "absolootely, because i'd be despondant about not having any friends left."

[Sonora]

Subject: Robot

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”

“What did you watch?” a sked Marsha. “’The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!”

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[Kimmers]

Yup.. the son that sent that to me is a Marine......need I say more?

[DaveLoneRanger]

Show mom how much you love her by giving her a little bit of geek. Or, if you're a mom, show off your penchant for math or science! Zeros and ones spell "MOM" and confuse other people, which is always fun. It's a great way to confound those non-geeky types with your binary sweetness.

[lilylangtree]

“Why God made moms”

Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions ...

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in theworld and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

“Dear Lord,” the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust ...” He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, What is butt dust?” Church was pretty much over at that point ...

[Allegra]