Posted on 10/17/2005 1:00:52 AM PDT by B-Chan
Memorandum
It has come to my attention that two attorneys at this firm have been engaging in a same-sex affair over the past few months. If clients do not wish to read fanfiction about such a situation, they are invited to read botanical information about the canistel (Pouteria campechiana) instead. Please note the ratings on each story, and proceed with caution--or enthusiasm--as your preference dictates. Thank you for your attention. Farfalla
To: The employees of Crane, Poole, & Schmidt
From: Farfalla Caquí
Re: Denny Crane/Alan Shore
(Excerpt) Read more at cosmicduckling.com ...
For those of you that aren't up to speed on the lingo of media fandom, "fanfic" is short for "fan faction" -- which is the practice of writing stories (usually embarrasingly erotic) about one's favorite TV and/or movie characters. Most fanfic is written by desperately lonely female nerds adult women, and most of it consists of "slash" -- female fantasies about homosexual affairs between fictitious male characters. Ever wonder just how close the crew of the Enterprise on Star Trek really was? Wonder no more: Captain Kirk and Mister Spock are a favorite pairing of many slash fanfic writers. Or maybe you're into firemen? No problem -- you may rest assured that somewhere out there on the IntraWeb there is a page dedicated to the tender, man/man love shared by L.A. County paramedics Johnny Gage and Roy DeSoto, better known as Squad 51 from TV's Emergency!. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, Batman and Robin -- hell, probably Penn & Teller -- if two guys are on screen or printed page anywhere, even on the news, some daffy broad somewhere has written a story or drawn a picture where they're boning each other. Hell, it seems like half of everything on the internet these days consists of stories of Harry Potter getting reamed out by assorted Hogwarts staff, faculty, students, or interested visitors. And he's just a kid!
Why the same-sex theme in fan fiction? And why are the authors mostly women? The more I think about it, the more I realize that what these ladies perceive to be erotic attraction between their best-loved on-screen studs is really just the kind of unspoken, non-erotic love men share with their deepest friends -- you know, guys you were in a foxhole with, or guys you grew up with, or simply your old drinking buddies. Chicks simply do not get the whole male drinking-buddy thing. Female psychology doesn't work that way: to the average gal, other women are either sexual competitors, status rivals, or useful sob-towels. They have no idea of how men relate to men, how we can fight with each other one minute and buy each other a beer the next, or what a drinking buddy is (and don't ask me to define it, girls -- when you're a guy, you just know). These fanfic-writin' femmes see good-looking guys on TV or the movie screen or in a book, mistake the fictional on-screen drinking buddies for fictional butt-buddies, and the next thing you know the keyboard is clacking and we're off to the drugstore for more Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and Midol.
Well, heads up, ladies: guys can be close friends without there being a sexual undercurrent. Kirk/Spock, Denny/Alan, Frodo/Sam -- all these are examples of fictitious drinking buddies, not of the other thing. Yes, I suppose reading slash is good for a few laffs (McGarrett/Danno love, anyone?), but ladies, please -- don't confuse the tear-stained world of gay erotic fan fiction with how straight men really relate.
It's called philios, girls, not eros. Look it up.
Case dismissed.
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