Turd Twister Patented Design Features (Click pic for details, this is real!)
Posted on 09/09/2005 5:37:55 AM PDT by BJClinton
w00t! TGIF! Long week but it's finally over, the wife is out of town for a Kolache contest and I have a guild raid of Molten Core this weekend (if you know what that means without googling it, you need to get a life). So let's get this going, shall we?
Turd Twister Patented Design Features (Click pic for details, this is real!)
Lemmneaux if you want on or off of the OFST ping list!
Where is there a giant lizard banging on my front door?
Top Ten!!! WOOOHOOO!!!
Happy Friday all!
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
That graphic is going to haunt me when it comes time for my "morning constitutional"...
Where? I would assume your front porch.
WOOHOO!
TGIF!
The Aquarium or the twister?
This was Already Posted.
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bulls****in' me!! "
To which the social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
Bump for silliness! I'm already getting my butt kicked at work today.
More silliness, I say!
This isn't how Fridays are supposed to start!
Wow! Early start this morning! Let's get it started!!!
****
"Get down on your knees...... count your blessings....... and thank God......... and blame everyone else (but me) under the sun." ---
Gov. Blanco
*****
I'm not using those yellow school buses........... I want me some fancy Greyhound buses." ---
Beggin' Nagin
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
The one exception to this law is the Roadrunner.
Who knew that the Families For Russian and Ukrainian Adoption would have an official Friday Silliness Thread?
How many Big XII students does it take to change a light bulb? Well...
At Kansas State it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Big Ten or SEC school.
At Texas A&M it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Texas Tech and get instructions.
At Colorado it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.
At Nebraska it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Tom Osborne would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Oklahoma students.
At Baylor it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At OSU it takes seven, and each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.
At Kansas it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
At Oklahoma it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy a Sooners lamp, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how John Blake is too stupid to do it.
At Texas it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, "HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!"
At Missouri it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than KU, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.
At Iowa State it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team.
At Texas Tech it takes none. There is no electricity in Lubbock.
Woo Hoo, top 500!
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
Redneck IQ Test
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?
I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
To the Redneck Scrap Book
Leave it to the Brits to come up with this:
http://www.boysstuff.co.uk/product.asp?id=12158&random=80516994&cid=29&subcat=&scid=
Silliness!!!!
Cheech & Chong at the Drive-In
Cheech & Chong go to the drive-in with a bunch of friends in the trunk of the car.
Chong breaks the key off in the lock of the trunk. “Oh wow! You’ll never guess what happened.” “Uh, you broke the key off in the lock” “How’d you know?” “Oh, man did you really?” “Yeah, I must’ve turned it the wrong way because it broke right off in the lock.”
Chong eventually goes to the snack bar to try to get a crowbar to get the trunk open.
Cheech says, “I should’ve gone with him, I gotta go to the bathroom.”
Car door opens.
“Oh, there’s nobody here” Sound of zipper opening and then liquid hitting the ground.
“Ohhhhhhhh. Heh, heh,heh,” is heard as the sound changes from liquid hitting the ground to liquid hitting sheet metal.
“Hey, it’s raining out here you guys!!! (Sound of muffled voices shouting obscenities and banging on the trunk lid.) “It’s coming down like cats and dogs!!! It’s a cloudburst!!!”
Cheech finishes answering the call of nature and gets back in car…..
Are you logged in?
Woooo hooooo! Got in under the first 50 posts!
That was great. :-)
W00T! IT's FRIDAY!
I'm here and the day is good so far.
So far ;)
NB450
Doesn't that baby also have a motion-activated recorded message: "I am honored to accept your waste!"
"Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em."
I actually tried that one. They refused due to insurance issues, but they did deliver the pizza and it was still warm on my porch when I got home!
Don't try to walk thru Taco Bell's drive thru either.
LOL! I was going to post that cartoon. Rat is hilarious.
I finally made it before the first 100.
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