Posted on 03/07/2015 6:48:34 AM PST by ken5050
Hillary Clinton, facing increasing investigations of her private email accounts while she was Secretary of State, and worried that the scandal could destroy her presidential prospects, sat down yesterday with Oprah (for an interview to be aired tomorrow on MSNBC) to explain that she is "addicted to pornography, and set up the private email system so that she could surf the net without violating federal regulations."
"I was hurt, I was upset, I couldn't understand why he felt the need to stray from our marriage. Back then, Al Gore had just finished inventing the internet, and one day I was having tea with Tipper (BTW..isn't it ironic that MY marriage has lasted, while Al dumped her?) and complaining that I wasn't getting any..and Tipper told me that in doing her research about nasty, offensive rap lyrics, she'd come across all these X rated web sites. I was naturally curious, so I started checking them out, and that's when all my problems started."
"After we left the White House, and I was elected Senator, I didn't really have much to do...I mean, just look at my record while I was in the Senate.....and there I was, much of the time, rattling around in that big house in Chappaqua. Look, Chappaqua's nice....if you're into white picket fences, Little League, and the PTA...but I mean..the town's dead....there's NOTHING to do there....they don't even roll up the sidewalks at night, because in most of the town, there are NO sidewalks..when we first moved here, I had my helicopter land next to the train station, and the whole town went nuts...they thought we were being invaded. I admit, I was depressed when Buddy got run over...so I'd sit in my study, with all the furniture we'd taken from the White House, knock back a few bottles of Aquila cerveza..I'd learned to like it when I first visited Columbia. (Back then, it wasn't available in the US, so Bob Menendez would fly in a few cases each month on his friend's airplane.....but that's a whole 'nother story)...and I'd surf the net for porn. Hours at a time...I was hooked..addicted in fact."
" I knew I had to get out of the house, find something to occupy my time...I thought about volunteering at the nearby women's prison in Bedford Hills..I actually visited there a few times..but whenever I went inside, I felt this dark cloud passing over me, and I got a bad feeling ...so instead I called up Barack, and asked him to find me something to do that didn't take up too much time and energy. I thought maybe something at the UN...it's a really easy commute from Chappaqua..but he said that was too much work..he'd name me Secretary of State instead..he said I would just have to fly around the world..stay in all the best hotels..attend a lot of parties...he said that Valerie would do all the hard work of formulating policy."
"But I knew I couldn't use my government email to watch pornography. It's against the rules...it'd be terrible to break them. And it would be so embarrassing if it ever came out. So that's why, as soon as I was confirmed, I set up my own email system, so that I could sit in my office at Foggy Bottom and watch porn all day. And I had to have my own server...you must understand...otherwise other people....like the vast right wing conspiracy...might learn of my addiction. I'd just die of shame."
"Actually, that's what I was doing when the Benghazi attack occurred. Watching this awesome video.."Dubai Dykes Do Dildos" while kd lang was playing on my iPhone. So when Maggie Williams barged in to say that something was happening in Benghazi, I thought 'Oh, shit..now what do I do?'...and I guess my mind just went wild, and that's how we came up with the whole "blame it on the video" thing."
"Anyway, I'm sorry about everything that's happened. I want to apologize to the American people. I am addicted to pornography, but now I recognize that I have a problem, and I'm getting the help I need. I've just finished a 10 hour on-line treatment program for porn addicts...here's my Certificate of Completion...I'm cured...and now I'm ready to get back to work to fight for blacks, Latinos, women, the LGBT community, and the middle class."
"I'll be Tweeting out the announcement for the official start of my campaign, and I hope you'll LIKE me on Facebook."
Good morning!!
Ewww!
You don’t use email to surf the web.
John Semmens did yiu write this. C’mon fess up...lol
Now that’s nasty!!
Warning don't read this while drinking coffee....LMAO!
Post of the Day
Boy it tickled my funnybone...lol
FYI
https://www.flickr.com/photos/40963995@N00/1396362981/ (WARNING, may cause temporary blindness! Just joking.)
Hillary will have a new sitcom on NBC called Golden Shower Girls.
No. Many of us can say from long years of acquaintance that Ken’s mind is every bit as messed up as John’s.
In fact, we can certify it.
Or the Dyke Van Dick show.
“Anyway, visiting the women’s prisons was so depressing . . . I mean, all those carpets, and no way to . . . well, you know. Besides, my main carpet, Hummy Wiener, is not always around, so I found a real neat website that reminded me of the good old days with Bill, when we dated the same girl . . . you know what I mean . . . you being one yourself . . . and one thing led to another and . . . “
Hill looking at little girl porn?
LOL! But it triggered a thought: Assuming Huma had an account there, wonder if she set up one for her hubby, so he could carry on his “show and tell” activities?
> No. Many of us can say from long years of acquaintance that Ken’s mind is every bit as messed up as John’s.
In fact, we can certify it.
Well bravo to a job well done...l haven’t laughed that hard in awhile...ol
Carlos Danger, IT technician.
Nice to see you’re working the net..... .....this new essay of yours is a great laugh break....my comments below.
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