Posted on 01/26/2014 11:17:49 AM PST by mononymous
The following is mostly satire!
President Obama, in a conversation with a reporter, had a near meltdown this week during which he blamed racists for his declining poll numbers. He also had the following shocking exchange:
Reporter: “Your presidency, take me through it.”
Obama: “Well, I’m the best one ever! When you try me with sorry losers like Republicans, that’s the result you gonna get! I don’t like how they talk about me!”
Reporter: “Who was talking about you?”
Obama: “Limbaugh! Fox News! Don’t you open your mouth about the best, or I’m gonna use my phone and my pen! IRS! FCC! FBI! NSA!”
In the same interview, the president said that he doesn’t think smoking pot is more dangerous than drinking alcohol, “look at me, I smoked, I inhaled and it hasn’t affected my ability to lead one bit!”
NY Gov Andrew Cuomo decided that his state is no place for folks who are pro-life, anti-gay marriage and supporters of the second amendment. He declared that these “extremists” are not who NYers are. The self-styled “Il Douche” proceeded to say that the men who founded this country were also extremists for including the second amendment in the Bill of Rights. United in hate and not to be left out of an opportunity to bash political opponents, NYC Mayor and horse’s ass for life, Kaiser Wilhelm II said that he agrees “100%” with the governor’s remarks. Clearly, it’d be “extremist” to point out that the illegal use of guns in America has killed a lot less people than the unlimited access to abortions that these extremists support.
Wendy Davis, running for Governor of Texas, was criticized this week for embellishing her resume with her “trailer park to Harvard law school” story. Asked to comment, James Carville said, “a sugar daddy would have to drag a lot more than a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park to find her, I’ll tell you that much…” Meanwhile, a poll of Texas voters said that her degree from the elite law school really only qualifies the ardent abortionists to be an elitist.
House Republicans are planning a retreat for discussing a path forward on illegal immigration. It appears that the main topic of discussion is making the math work for them electorally. Simply put, the complex computation they face is whether or not: 33% (of existing voters) + 25% (of potential, amnestied, new voters) > 33% (of existing voters) + 75% (of potential, amnestied, new voters). Paul Ryan’s office said that if this was a budgetary problem the math would easily work, “with the usual tricks.” His office also had a message for conservative members who are opposed to amnesty, “get onboard and embrace the suck.”
The USPTO has refused to allow registering a trademark name that uses the word “redskins.” This action is seen by some as the beginning of an attack on the use of the word by the NFL team. Relatedly, USCIS is expected to shortly re-issue the naturalization certificate for the movie star and former Governor of CA who will now be known as Arnold Schwarz. The change was demanded by the NAACP which claimed that, as his ancestors owned slaves, Arnold has no right to continue to use the “offensive” word in his last name.
Conservative film maker Dinesh D’Souza was this week indicted on violating election campaign laws. In the next few weeks he’ll be hearing from the IRS in what some are calling, “Obama’s Revenge: 2014” the “reality-based prequel” to his first movie.
A Chinese billionaire is offering a small fortune to anyone who can “convert” his gay daughter. No word, at this time, on whether Kaiser Wilhelm II will give up his day job of stealing from the “rich” in NYC in order to pursue this opportunity to make an honest buck and for which he’s imminently qualified.
This has been NewsReal for the week ending January, 25th, 2014. And yes, the media is still loudly, lewdly in love with their messiah!
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