Posted on 02/16/2013 10:24:21 AM PST by John Semmens
The unusual resignation of Pope Benedict XVI launches the search for his successor. While he has no formal role in this process, President Obama has urged the Cardinals to select a “progressive.”
“The Catholic Church has a choice to make,” Obama said. “It can continue to promulgate out-moded ideas or it can get behind a program for a 21st century agenda.” Among the issues mentioned by the President for this “21st century agenda” were birth control and gay marriage.
“Over-population is placing an excessive burden on the planet’s resources,” Obama claimed. “To save the environment we must reduce the human footprint. Birth control is an essential measure for achieving this goal. Since we cannot effectively intervene in humans’ sexual activities we can at least interdict the consequences by making birth control and abortion convenient and inexpensive. The person who is chosen to lead the Catholic Church should get on-board with our efforts to accomplish this.”
“Gay marriage complements the drive to reduce human reproduction,” Obama added. “These marriages can’t produce children. By increasing the frequency of such unions we would simultaneously be acknowledging the right of same-sex couples to enjoy the sacraments of marriage while diverting them from reproductive sexual intercourse. It seems to me that a doctrinal change along these lines could also provide the Church with a way out of some of the sex scandals that have plagued it in recent years.”
President Obama’s remarks did receive some encouragement from the Government of China. “We think he is on the right track,” said President Hu Jintao. “Ideally, all religious posts ought to be cleared for compatibility with ruling secular authorities. In China it is simple. We appoint the Catholic bishops. Globally, some sort of international vetting is needed—perhaps through the United Nations.”
To assist the Church in finding a “progressive” Pope, President Obama is reported to have forwarded a list of what he considers “acceptable candidates.”
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://azconservative.org/2013/02/16/cnn-pundit-declares-rubios-presidential-ambitions-finished/
Don’t put it past him.
Trouble is, I had to read it twice to realize it was satire.
He has just as much right to do this as I have the the right to urge the Catholics to select a Baptist than can cook great Texas stile mesquite barbecue. Now that I think about it, There is a former Baptist preacher who is a priest near me. Now only if this California born dude and barbecue.
John, you are SO good!
;o) Right, Obie. We’ll get right on that...
That’s why it’s “Semi-Satire”
Satire? What Satire? ;)
I though Obama was going to be the pope.....
With this group in charge, I always check the source after reading most headlines. Unfortunately, so many of the news articles are real.
You should forward this to Sheila Jackson Lee. She’s dumb enough to think it’s real, and maybe she’ll read it from the House floor.
Yes, I know it’s satire. But maybe Zero would really like to ask the Catholic Church to reach outside the denomination and appoint Vickie Gene Robinsin as Pope.
ROTFL!! Frankly, I could imagine him doing just that!!
Hah! I fully expect they will. BTW, I know it's satire.
Another excellent job this week, John. I didn’t get your ping yet, but your headline really got me in a lather! I think I caught on by paragraph 3 or so.
POF
More gay priests. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
I don’t know why Obama couldn’t simultaneously serve as Pope and President. Since he won the Nobel Peace Prize, he obviously is qualified to be Pope as well.
If the Catholics were truly serious about Ecumenism, they would pick a Muslim to be Pope; after all, the Pope is not required to be a priest. /sar
I’m sure he’s working on this behind the scenes? Maybe he blackmailed the Pope into resigning. Nothing is beyond the pale for this vile Communist monster illegally occupying the White House.
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