Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
I'll start:
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
(rimshot!)
Well,,, sure! Those are the tame ones! Like;
“How do you tell if the stage is level?”
“There’s drool coming outa both sides of the drummer’s mouth.”
But those are nothing, compared to real musician jokes. Some of the ones I know are so gross! But they’re told for a reason. And that reason is to point out how disgusting these gross jokes are. Not reveling in them, but reviling them! But you can’t tell them to most people, because they won’t understand the distinction, and will be offended, without understanding what the real reason is behind telling these “jokes.”
LOL
How small would the mice have to be to commit a physical act inside a lightbulb?
_________________________
Very small.
Everyone here KNOWS I am technically inept.
Having trouble with abstact concepts too.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
The first guy says ‘hey bartender, get me a beer.’
The bartender comes over and says, ‘ok, here’s your beer.’
The second guy says (with severe speech impediment) ‘hhhhhhey bbbbbartendddder, gggggimmmeee a bbbbeeer.’
The bartender comes over and says ‘oooookkk, hhhhheeerrs a bbbbeer.’
The first guy say ‘hey bartender, why are you making fun of that guy?’
The bartender says ‘iiiii wwwwas mmmaking ffffun of yyyou!’
Anyone know how to resize?
From Aussie
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that...
So what’s the other possible good news?
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 PM tonight and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Did you hear the joke about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Ha ha! I just got it too! Don’t feel bad!
My B.I.L. is a banjo player, and yes, he thinks banjo jokes are hilarious.
A seal goes into a bar. Bartender ask, “What’ll it be?”
“Anything but Canadian Club.”
bookmark
Stealing this, fair ‘n square!
A black guy, an illegal alien, a muslim, and a communist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What can I get you Mr. President?”
Well,I went to the Doctor last week and he checks my blood pressure and says we have to do something about getting it lower right away.He said it’s so high that if the wife and I get started in bed I’ll have a heart attack or stroke.I told him to relax,if that’s what he’s worried about-I’m safe for six monthes at least....
LOL
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Couple of Brits go into a bar. Bartender says all drinks are 5 cents. Guys are pleased and about the 4th round of drinks they ask the bartender why drinks are only a nickel. He says he won the lottery and thought it would be nice to own a bar and sell really cheap drinks.
After 6 rounds of drinks one asks the bartender why the group of people at the end of the bar have been sitting there not drinking for hours.
The bartender replies, “They’re Welsh tourists, they’re waiting for 1/2 priced happy hour drinks”
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” -Professor Irwin Corey
Banjo player jokes are great! I started out on tenor, switched to plectrum, then 5-string, before getting into Teles. Started pedal steel in about 1970. Earned 1/2 my income giggin’.
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one the best — because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...’Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like...Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
I always loved “The Worlds Greatest Authority”. He’s still around in NYC, feeding the pigeons.
I'm always getting those "enlargement" spam e-mails. FReepmail me your e-mail and I'll forward a couple.
Q. What’s the temperature inside a tauntaun?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Lukewarm.
An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar having a pint of Guiness, when suddenly each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman snorts in disgust and pushes the glass away. The American flicks the fly out and continues drinking like nothing happened. The Irishman grabs the fly between his fingers, holds it upside down over the glass, and screams, “Spit it out, ya bastard!”
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig
that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for
the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,
places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him.
‘You gonna try again.’
WTF?!
I picked 7 and ended up with #9! That’s going to be my favorite movie..... Evuh!!!
I should know better than to do BBQ just before going to bed...
One night, right after gorging on chili dogs & brat’s, I dozed off and quickly realized I was in Dreamland. All of a sudden, this huge green talking blob appears, screeching and snarling and spewing all over me (well, virtually anyway). In fright, I remember asking- “What .. WHAT ARE YOU?!”
The spectre replied: “I’m your wurst nightmare, of course.”
The only banjo joke I know are the nine notes of “Deliverance”
"Oh, Lord," he said. "Brigitte will be furious when she sees this mess."
"Not to worry, mate," the guy sitting next to him said. "Just tuck a 5 dollar bill in your pocket. Tell her the guy next to you at the bar did it and paid you for the laundry. Trust me, there'll be no problem."
Closing time finally came and Seamus stumbled home.
Brigitte was waiting at the door.
"So, there you are, you good-for-nothing. And what's that all over your shirt?"
"Oh, the guy next to me at the bar did that. Reach in my shirt pocket and there's a fiver he gave me for the laundry."
"What's this?" she says. "There's ten bucks here."
"Oh, I almost forgot. He sh*t in my pants, too."
Two blondes....one on the east bank of a river, the other on the west bank. The blonde on the west bank hollers to the other blonde, “HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE Of THE RIVER ?” the blonde answers, “YOU ALREADY ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!”
That’s great! My niece (from same B.I.L.) is making it in NYC playing accordion! Her band played Christina Hendricks wedding, they both hit it off (redheads, ya’ know) and now she teaches C.H. accordion (see Mad Men for reference)!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
Just who was the sadist that put the “s” in “lisp”?
The longest sexual palindrome.
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa!
Come again?
You’re evil!
While we’re on the subject:
What’s the difference between an elephant fat and a saloon?
A saloon is a bar room, but an elephant fart is a BARROOOOOOM!
LOL! Your Aussie joke is an old Cajun too.
The rancher tells the feds, “I don't think you should be going into that field”
FBI guy pulls out his badge and says: “See this ? This says we can go anywhere we want without question”
FBI guys hit the field and the next thing you know, they're being chased outta the field by a bull.
The rancher screams to the FBI guys..”Show him your badges ! Show him your badges !”
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