‘‘Wake Up With Whoopi’’ Debut Sickens Dozens

azconservative ^ | 5 Aug 2006 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Emergency rooms throughout the New York metropolitan region experienced an influx of patients on the morning of July 31. It was the common symptoms that led health officials to pinpoint a common pathogen.

“People were complaining of nausea, ringing in the ears, and severe anxiety,” said Downtown Jersey City Hospital emergency room triage nurse, Anita Mann. “I thought, when have I seen this before? Then it hit me. It was after Al Franken’s radio show first hit the New York airwaves.”

Given this clue, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene was able to identify Clear Channel Radio’s debut of “Wake Up With Whoopi” on WKTU-FM (Rhythmic CHR) as the likely cause. Commissioner Dr. Thomas R. Frieden confirmed the analysis. “Apparently, there is something about this program that sickens people. It’s a public health hazard, but we can’t stop it because it’s covered under the First Amendment’s right to freedom of speech. We advise people to change the station.”

Ralph Burger, was one of the victims treated at the Downtown Jersey City Hospital. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep by my radio alarm clock,” said Burger. “Instead of the usual easy-listening music, my ears were assaulted by incoherent babbling. A wave of overpowering nausea floored me. Thankfully, my wife was able to drive me to the hospital.”

Commissioner Frieden explained, “It’s the sudden shock that gets to people. The transition between sleep and consciousness is an especially vulnerable time. Fortunately, the audiences affected are small.”

[cripplecreek]

I'll never sleep again.