Posted on 12/01/2005 4:06:54 AM PST by tx_eggman
Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living [censored] out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
LOL. There several like this. The ones for Vin Diesel and Mr T are insane.
Gag, can't stand Chuckie. I've called him Monkey Butt Face for years. Just look at those whiskers and you'll understand.
That was fun. Thanks for posting it.
Chuck is more than just a man. LOL
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
When golfing, if you accidentally miss the fairway, yelling 'Vin Diesel' will make the ball automatically appear on the green. Just try not to use it too often.
Vin Diesel has a black belt in pudding, which is not a martial art. He's just that good at it.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
When within a 7 foot radius of Vin Diesel, you are actually standing on sovereign Guatemalan territory.
There are a few more:
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Back in '84, if Chuck Norris had been the cop behind the counter at the police-station, the Terminator would have never come back.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*** down.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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