Posted on 06/17/2018 1:27:57 PM PDT by sodpoodle
That there is funny, I don’t care who you are.
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder’s wife?
Neither has he!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
“There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is
this?”
(You’re gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s
a Rolling Stone.”
(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Bump!!!
.
Old one!
I was telling that one in the early ‘70s.
.
Wife corners her husband sneaking into the house at 2 a.m.
“Where have you been?!”, she shouts.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I was at a bar and this beautiful woman sits next to me. We order some drinks - a few too many - and the next thing I know, we’re back at her place. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. I finally woke up and came home. I’m so sorry, please forgive me for being unfaithful!”
“You liar!”, she answers, “You played 18 holes didn’t you?!”
:)
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
The oldies but goodies never die... just like the “death by Mogumbo” joke.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
My mom would have loved that one!
A drunk staggers in to a bar and tells the bartender that he just had the most wonderful night last night.
How’s that?
Well, I was walking by the railroad tracks and found a naked woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her, took her back to my room, and I made love to her all night.
Wow! Was she a good kisser?
I don’t know . . . I couldn’t find her head.
Dear Abby,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the
Suburb of Seatown and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the
Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part-time “working girl” in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing
her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with
her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who graduated from Auburn?
Signed,
Worried about my reputation
Always knew he was a phony.
I am not a joke guy, but I like the punchline.
Reminded me of the video for Phil Collins’ song “Take Me Home.” At end you hear his wife ask “Where have you been?” Phil starts naming the places around the world and his wife says, “You’ve been to the pub, haven’t you?”
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