Hell Introduces 13 New Varieties Of Pineapple Pizza

Babylon Bee ^ | 08/24/2017 | Unattributed

[Silentgypsy]

HELL—The demonic forces of Satan proudly announced Thursday the debut of 13 new varieties of pineapple pizza, designed to torture millions of humans deceived into consuming the hellish abominations.

The exciting new spins on pineapple pizza were forged in the fires of the hottest portions of hell, and are designed to cause the greatest pain and suffering on earth as possible.

“We expect the new Krazy Pineapple Kale pizza to be especially nefarious,” one high-ranking demonic official said in a board meeting unveiling the new assault on all things good and holy. “The pizzas shall masquerade as good and wholesome food, but in reality they shall be agents of His Darkness Lucifer. Hail Satan! Hail Satan!”

Other varieties the armies of Satan are preparing to foister upon unsuspecting humans worldwide include Deluxe Lutefisk Pineapple, Tropical Tuna Pineapple, and Pineapple Marshmallow Delight.

Hell’s distribution center reportedly began shipping Satan’s pizzas to select test markets this week.

[Billthedrill]

One Lutfisk pineapple to go, hold the anchovies.

Man, that's for me! I wonder if you can get double lye with that or does it count as an extra topping? That and a large mug of flat room-temperature near-beer. Party time!

[Enlightened1]

BARF!

Pineapple and pizza do not go together....

MAJOR BARF ALERT

Only second to anchovies and pizza.

I don’t know what is worse. The people who came up with it or the people that actually think it’s good?

I bet you could put poop and pizza, and some people would swear it’s the best pizza ever. Haha!

[clashfan]

Pineapple jalapeno pizza is one of the greatest!

[AnotherUnixGeek]

The demonic forces of Satan proudly announced Thursday the debut of 13 new varieties of pineapple pizza, designed to torture millions of humans deceived into consuming the hellish abominations.

Satan's pizza features kale. I like pineapple on mine occasionally - goes well with ham.

[gnarledmaw]

Because you dont have bacon. If you had bacon to begin with then you would have made a bacon and saurkraut pizza and just skipped the pineapple.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Fruit does not belong on pizza.

What about tomato sauce?

[null and void]

[stboz]

Clams and anchovies are both acceptable pizza toppings, done right.

I understand that pencil eraser and rubber bands are acceptable substitutes for clams.

[Eric Pode of Croydon]

Pizza in heaven: Thin crust, well-spiced sauce, Italian sausage, fresh mozzarella.

Pizza in purgatory: As above, substituting pepperoni for the sausage.

Pizza in hell: Anything else.

[newfreep]

I prefer chicken, pineapple, green peppers on my rarely consumed thin crust pizza.

[Enchante]

Anyone who puts pineapple on pizza should be sent to Gitmo.

[FreedomPoster]

Over cooked clams, yes.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

[EvilOverlord]

I have some veggie friends who do pineapple and jalapeno pizza. It’s...actually pretty good. Sweet and spicy.

[Savage Beast]

I think eating some of these would be a glimpse of hell.

[tet68]

I wonder if they could make me a Liver and onion,
Pineapple pizza, now that would be gross.

[Silentgypsy]

Ack!

[Silentgypsy]

Hopefully, it will keep us on the strait and narrow path?

[Silentgypsy]

Yes.

[Songcraft]

One of those demons will probably start to implement the next big sensation -- pizza smothered in sardines, lentils, and grapefruit slices.

[Silentgypsy]

That sounds like something a witch doctor would prescribe.