Posted on 08/19/2017 5:54:25 AM PDT by sodpoodle
SENIOR CENTER DATING STORIES
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me - three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?”
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy;
"Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."
... and this is why the Chinese own us!
Business is Business
Thanks for the smiles. We certainly need the distraction from all the bad that’s happening to our dear America. I had horrible dreams all last night from all that’s been going on.
1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
5. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
LOL Thanks SP You always manage to bring a ray of sunlight when the times are dark and stormy.
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish.” Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage.
Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?”
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us. The Genie says, “Let me see that map again.”
Then one day he only orders two pints, and the next and the next. The owner finally approaches and offers condolences for his departed brother. "Oh no, me brothers are fine! I've just quit drinkin'."
You have to update that joke. Many MIT new grads can get $125k and all those things, except the car, and with more vacation.
Unfortunately, an old redneck in his 1985 Chevy pickup speeds by at that moment and takes the Porsche driver's door completely off of the car and keeps on going down the road. The lawyer jumps out and screams at the pickup fading in the distance, "&#$%&^ (%^&@, etc.!!!"
A policeman runs up and asks, "Are you okay?!?". The lawyer turns to him and says, "Yeah! Man, look what he did to my beautiful Porsche!"
The policeman replies, "I was asking about YOU. Didn't you notice your left arm is missing?" The lawyer looks down where his left arm used to be and exclaims, "Oh my God, my Rolex too!"
On the first day of work he casually strolled in about 15 minutes late.
The supervisor took him off to one side and asked, "In your old job did you ever come in late?"
"Oh yes", the man replied.
The manager then inquired, "And when you came in late what did they say to you?".
The man replied, "They usually said 'Good morning General, can I get you some coffee?'"
Two fish are swimming upstream when WHAM, they run head first into a wall. One fish turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
Two men fishing in a boat when a dam breaks upstream and the water is gushing toward them.
One screams ‘What should we do?”.
The other says ‘It’s gonna be ROW versus WADE’.
You inspired me to just make that one up on the spur;)
No- even better “made up on the fly” Fly fishing;)
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