Posted on 03/23/2017 2:58:27 PM PDT by sodpoodle
Why Italians Can't be Paramedics ...
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence.
And then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay... Now what?"
For you sir.
A salt shaker and an orange walks into a bar.
The salt shaker says “I’ll have a gin and tonic”.
The bartender says “Oh my god, a talking salt shaker!”
I didn’t say it was going to be very funny.
A small town doctor is sitting in his office one day when a guy dressed in camoflage and orange runs in yelling “Doc, ya gotta help me! me and my buddy were out hunting and i thought he was a deer and I shot him!” The doctor jumps up, grabs his medical bag and yells “take me to him right now!” They both run out at breakneck speed. A few minutes later both the doctor and the hunter stroll back into the office , the doctors arm around the hunters shoulder. They both stop, and the doctor looks at the hunter and tells him “you know, he might’ve had a chance if you hadn’t gutted him”.
CC
I won’t tell the joke, but I’ll give the punchline...
.... So the doctor said if you don’t suck the poison out - your friend will die. So the guy hung up; goes back to his friend.
The friend said; “What the doctor say? What’d he say??”
The guy said: “You’re gonna die.”
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What musical instrument is found in a bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
A man hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees nothing, but a voice says, “Have you heard the good news?” He looks down and sees a snail. He picks it up and flings it into the yard. Ten hours later, he hears another knock at the door. He opens it, and the snail asks, “What’d you do that for?”
Funny
I can’t wait to torture my friends with your talking salt shaker joke.
What is beethoven busy doing right now?
Decomposing.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you when you call anyway.
Have you heard of my one legged Irish girlfriend?
Eileen.
CC
Yeah, I remember that one. Still funny.
I have an Epipen.
My friend gave it to me just before he died. Seemed important to him that I have it.
It doesn’t particularly need to be a salt shaker....
Why did the Chicken cross the road?To go see the idiot across the street.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken. To see you.
Now I'll never remember it!
I’LL OWN THIS COMPANY BEFORE I’M THROUGH!!!
Jason Spignolli, best attorney around. He’ll take Jim to the cleaners!
As soon as he gets out of prison I’ll contact him. :)
Not ALL Italians have connections to the MAFIA. I can’t speak for myself, but NOT ALL do. :)
Plus the guy was close to dead anyway. What are you suppose to do?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I eat map.
(Courtesy "Two and a Half Men").....
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