Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Time for a little laughter (vanity)
unknown | 1/10/2017 | self

Posted on 01/10/2017 8:34:21 AM PST by sodpoodle

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the

doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman

to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: fun
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-36 next last
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a

bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

1 posted on 01/10/2017 8:34:21 AM PST by sodpoodle
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating,

the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant

and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you

give to someone you love?
You know.. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’


2 posted on 01/10/2017 8:35:24 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


3 posted on 01/10/2017 8:36:31 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


4 posted on 01/10/2017 8:36:55 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

...well, I guess they are better then the Cheeto’s jokes...* smiles*


5 posted on 01/10/2017 8:37:21 AM PST by Doogle (( USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated)))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’


6 posted on 01/10/2017 8:37:41 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’


7 posted on 01/10/2017 8:38:08 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive’.......


8 posted on 01/10/2017 8:39:23 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’


9 posted on 01/10/2017 8:40:13 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty...’


10 posted on 01/10/2017 8:41:09 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

A husband ask his wife what she would like for her birthday. She replied a divorce. Oh, I wasn’t planning on spending that much her husband said.


11 posted on 01/10/2017 8:41:56 AM PST by Obbiee
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous youngwoman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’


12 posted on 01/10/2017 8:42:24 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

LOL thx


13 posted on 01/10/2017 8:45:58 AM PST by workerbee (America finally has an American president again.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

Why my husband is getting a divorce.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought....

Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, ‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,’You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day... We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.


14 posted on 01/10/2017 8:50:24 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle
an 85 year old married couple
wife on the upstairs landing is a little amorous and shouts down to her husband:
“Climb these stairs you big stud and make mad passionate love to me!”

Husband: "I can do one or the other..."

15 posted on 01/10/2017 8:50:27 AM PST by stylin19a (Hey obamas-it's Ray Charles time - "Hit the Road Jack"...you know the rest)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

A lonely older gentleman had been feeling down for a while, so his friends decided to pay a hooker to cheer him up. She arrives at his door and whispers, “I’m here to give you super sex.” The old man thinks a moment and says, “I’ll take the soup.”


16 posted on 01/10/2017 8:53:00 AM PST by Southside_Chicago_Republican (If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting.”


17 posted on 01/10/2017 8:53:17 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

“Oh, no ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”


18 posted on 01/10/2017 8:54:12 AM PST by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

I have an uncle that for decades has claimed hearing loss. My wife is a geriatric specialist, and she noted that he can hear everything. So, she whispered to him across a table at a restaurant and he answered just him, then winked.


19 posted on 01/10/2017 8:56:36 AM PST by CodeToad (If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sodpoodle

How about this one!

http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/video-goes-viral-of-alleged-st-louis-ikea-shoplifter-with/article_a8bf130b-13a2-5a51-9e64-efac9964ef7f.html


20 posted on 01/10/2017 8:56:37 AM PST by dforest
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-36 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson