Posted on 01/10/2017 8:34:21 AM PST by sodpoodle
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman
to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Elderly couple sitting in rocking chairs on their porch, pleasant day.
The woman hauls back and smacks the old man really hard.
He rubs his face. “What in the world was that for?”
She looks at him matter-of-factly and says “That’s for having such a small penis all these years.” She starts rocking again.
The old man sets himself straight again, rocks back and forth for awhile, then after being lost in thought for a few minutes, smacks the old woman completely out of her chair.
She asks “What was THAT for?”
He replies, “FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!”
not a good connection - will try again - thank you ;)
LOL! I’m thinking some of our ‘old f*rt’ jokes may get pulled!!!!!
Two cannibals are having supper and one says: “I hate my mother-in-law”. His friend replies: “So, try the potatoes.”
And old man and old woman are sitting on a park bench.
Old woman: “I think I just did a silent but deadly.”
Old man: “I think you need a hearing aid.”
Mark Twain claimed he had a horribly hen pecked uncle who had gone deaf years ago. He could still hear the word “whisky” whispered three rooms away with the doors shut.
#7 sodpoodle must have forgotten he posted the same thing a few times : )
An elderly couple are sitting in the nursing home courtyard. One turns to the other and says “I never went streaking back when that was the fad. You want to do it now?” The other says “What have we got to lose now?” So they take off their clothes and run around the courtyard past an older couple on a bench. After they pass the man turns to the woman and says “What we’re they wearing?” “I don’t know, but it sure needed ironing.”
Don’t know how I posted duplicates twice!!! Careless old me.
BTW - I am a Cranky Old Woman.
The Doc tells Lem, "Well then, here's a test you can do to see how bad it is. When she's in the kitchen, go down the hall and speak to her in a slightly elevated volume. If she doesn't respond then move about 5 feet closer and keep doing that until she answers you. Then let me know how that goes."
So, Lem tries it that night while his wife is at the stove cooking dinner.
"Hey honey? What's for supper?" says Lem from the end of the hallway. Getting no response he moves closer and tries again.
"Hey honey...what's for supper?"
Again getting no response he tries again from the kitchen door. Surely she'll here him now, he thinks.
"Hey honey...what's for dinner?"
His wife turns to face him and yells, "For Pete's sake ya deaf old fart, I told you three times! FRIED CHICKEN!"
Three pastors and their wives, on their way to a retreat in the mountains, hit a patch of black ice, slide off the road and over a cliff.
Next they know, the six are at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter.
The first pastor walks up to St. Peter and says, “I’m pastor Bob, and I’ve been doing the Lords work for 20 years.”
St. Peter replies, “Pastor Bob, we know about you, you sin is gluttony, eating every chance you get, eating a sandwich while delivering you sermon, why you thought of food so much you even married a woman called Peaches. I’m sorry but there is not a place in Heaven for you.”
The second pastor walks up to St. Peter and says, “I’m pastor Bill, and I’ve been doing the Lords work for 20 years.”
St. Peter replies, “Pastor Bill, we know about you, you sin is greed, you would pass the collection plate two and three time per service, why you thought of money so much you even married a woman called Penny. I’m sorry but there is not a place in Heaven for you.”
After seeing this, the third pastor turns to his wife and says, “Well Fanny, I guess we best get goin.”
The man hated to put his father in assisted living, but he was having trouble remembering to turn off burners and had a kitchen fire.
His father refused to go. They argued bitterly.
Eventually the father agreed.
The old man stood in the nursing home picture window behind his walker trying to hide the tears as he watched his son drive away.
The son returned the next day. He was pleased to see that his father was very happy.
“Why the change of heart Dad? What happened?”
“Well, I found out that when the nurses give us guys sponge baths if you get a `stiffy’ they give you heh heh a real rubdown!
“There’s a downside though, son. If you fall down they give you an enema.”
Work was hectic but a week or so later the son returns to visit. His father is in restraints and furious.
“What happened Pop?!”
“I told you about the sponge bath and the enema, right?
Well, I’m getting a stiffy about once a week but I’m falling down several times a day.”
ROTFLMAO
Three elderly men were sitting on a bench in the backyard of their retirement home.
One says, “I’m not the man I used to be. I have to urinate constantly but never get more than a dribble.”
Second man says, “I know what you mean. I haven’t had a good bowel movement in years. I have to go five or six times every day.”
Third man looks glum and says, “I have a bladder draining stream every morning at 6 am.”
Tears start to leak down his face.
“I have a great bowel movement every morning at 7 am.”
His friends look at him and ask him why he isn’t happy that his plumbing is in such great shape?
Blubbering, he replies, “I don’t get out of bed until 8 am!”
Elderly Prayer:
“Dear Lord: The last fifteen or twenty years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author -Tom Clancy; and now, my favorite comedians – Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, and I have a special place in my heart for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton. Amen.”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.