If you answer ‘yes’ to these questions, you may be an alcoholic

Do a few evening beers make your mornings un-beer-able? Does a vodka martini make your brain feel shaken, or stirred? Has a Dark ‘N’ Stormy been clouding your thoughts?

For most people, the occasional night out is not a big deal — but when a hangover becomes a regular part of your weekend routine it’s a sign something might not be right.

It’s an alarming statistic that one in five Australian adults regularly drink harmful amounts of alcohol. This chronic alcohol use can cause liver failure, stomach ulcers, bleeding problems, damaged nerves, injured brain cells and an increased risk of some cancers.

It can take years of regular hangovers before people even consider whether they might have a problem, but sometimes you’ve just got to ask the right questions.

The following questionnaire can help you quickly screen your friends, family or partner. While this isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation it is thought that if someone answers “yes” to two or more questions then it might be time to chat with your doctor to work out if alcohol is a problem for you.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I’ll do the 20 questions applied to chocolate...

1. Do you lose time from work due to your eating chocolate?
Yes, I frequently eat chocolate at work.

2. Is eating chocolate making your home life unhappy?
No, but I sometimes eat chocolate when my home life is unhappy.

3. Do you eat chocolate because you are shy with other people?
Perhaps, if I had more dates, maybe I would eat chocolate less because I’m busy. So yes.

4. Is eating chocolate affecting your reputation?
I don’t think so. Are they whispering about my chocolate eating behind my back? Have I been denied a promotion because I eat chocolate? I don’t think so.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after eating chocolate?
Yes, especially when there is no more left, and sometimes when I worry about what I just did to my blood sugar.

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your eating chocolate?
No, but I might have a $30 a week habit.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when eating chocolate?
Yes, I’d turn down fancy flan for chocolate in a heartbeat. Wait, who are you calling lower companions??? Pompous flan eating a**.

8. Does your eating chocolate make you careless of your family’s welfare?
No, I buy enough for everyone and share.

9. Has your ambition decreased since eating chocolate?
No, I am ambitious about finding better chocolate on sale or making it.

10. Do you crave to eat chocolate at a definite time daily?
No, I crave chocolate at multiple times daily.
Okay, that’s a technicality, I think the spirit of the question is yes.

11. Do you want a eat chocolate the next morning?
No, I want to eat chocolate now!! Tomorrow will take care of itself.

12. Does eating chocolate cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
I don’t know. It’s got caffiene in it. Maybe. Maybe thats why I take melatonin. I should invent chocolate melatonin. I could be rich. Prob yes.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since eating chocolate?
No, I think my efficiency would decrease without chocolate.

14. Is eating chocolate jeopardizing your job or business?
No, I work in healthcare. Chocolate might be increasing business.

15. Do you eat chocolate to escape from worries or troubles?
Well, Yeah!!!

16. Do you eat chocolate alone?
Yes, but not exclusively, I eat chocolate with others too.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your eating chocolate?
No, not that I remember.

18. Has your physician ever treated you for eating chocolate?
Well, he has treated my blood sugar. Better go with yes.

19. Do you eat chocolate to build up your self-confidence?
No, but to boost serotonin levels. If I feel good, do I have more self confidence? Maybe...okay, that’s a yes.

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of eating chocolate?
Never in a hospital. Does a restaurant, candy store, cookie store or chocolate store, count as an institution? Probably not. But I might be willing to marry for chocolate, that would be an institution.

That’s 9/20!!! less than 50%. I’m not addicted!!! I’m going to celebrate.e with chocolate!!!

And thank you for not asking be about cutting
“do”.

Good for you

I hate what drink does to folks

I’ve dealt with alcoholics all my life and it effs up everything

Like I said its selfishnes

Drinking comes before everyone

Piss on it

Folks here think I drink cause of how I write stream on..

If they only knew....I almost never ever drink

Folded thick southern egg nog with a little whiskey

Peach brandy in a duck blind

Jäger maybe if I’m in the mood in a loud bar

Cointreau if someone insists I have one on them with them

Homer: ...so they say I might have a problem.
[finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of that wonderful Duff]
Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"]
Homey, do you ever drink alone?
Homer: Does the Lord count as a person?
Marge: No.
Homer: Then yes.
Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that'd be nice.
Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Homer: Do I ever!
[fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and takes a swig] Ahhhh.
Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality.
Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy]
[to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...
Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: .... Deer.
Marge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
[puts the light out. We can hear the sound of a can popping open]
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."

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