The scourge of Indian IT Recruiters

8/26/2016 | By Laz A. Mataz

[Lazamataz]

For about a decade and a half, I have heard horror stories of Indian IT outsourcing. I have not seen the horror stories become realized -- for the most part, the crap you get out of Indian offshore IT is, well, crap.

It is not crap because of their skill, in some cases. I have found that while 65% of Indian IT 'professionals' overstate their skill, the remaining 35% can do the job.

The issue is the cultural differences. In the case of most Indians, some 90%, they will do EXACTLY as you ask. And that is their downfall.

Americans are willing to challenge a boss's premises. Indians are not. They will deliver exactly what is asked for, and Americans will -- generally -- find a better, more efficient way to do things. I will give you a personal example:

I was tasked with replicating a credit-card payment data flow, to duplicate the entire flow, except at the end. At the end, thing A had to happen instead of thing B. My boss was an Indian, and asked me to replicate the entire flow with the minor difference at the end.

I was given a week to accomplish my task. I returned in 30 minutes. "I'm done," I said.

"No, you can't be. Come back to me when you are done."

"I'm done. Here's the output. I put a switch on the final SQL procedure for the different final behavior."

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But this essay is not about that. This essay is about Indian recruiters. These people are a scourge. They are a plague.

I intend to stay in Atlanta, GA, but I have had many Indian recruiters contact me about -- for example -- a two month position in Benoit, Wisconson. What the FREEP.

I even put the directive IN MY LAST NAME in the job boards.

I used to be Laz A. Mataz, but I changed my name to Laz A. Mataz (NO RELOCATION! ATLANTA OPPORTUNITIES ONLY!).

They still cannot see it.

So, here is a homage to the evil, horrible Indian recruiters that now flood the recruiting market.

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Typical conversation with an Indian recruiter:

I.R.: Ello this is Ganesh Gupta calling you from A.I.T.R. (Annoying I.T.Recruiters). How are you doing today?

Me: I’m ok. How are you.

I.R.: Fine, thanks for asking. Yes I have a position for you. Are you interested?

Me: It depends.

I.R.: Ello?

For some reason the say ‘hello’ when they mean any number of other things besides hello including: ‘what?’ or ‘would you please clarify?’ or ‘can you hear me?’ I like pretending they mean ‘hello’ as in the greeting.

Me: Hello

I return the ‘greeting’ and they think I can’t hear them or don’t understand what they’re saying.

I.R.: Ello?

Me: Hello

I.R.: Ello?

Me: Hello

I.R.: Ello?

Me: Hello

I.R.: Ello?

Me: Hello

This has actually gone on much longer than this. The passive aggression can be quite satisfying. Eventually I’ll give in and get the conversation back on track by letting them know I can hear them.

I.R.: Yes I have a position for you. Are you interested?

Me: It depends.

I.R.: It depends?

Me: That’s what I said.

I.R.: Ello?

Me: Where is it located?

I.R.: You live in Atlanta, Georg-YEE-yah?

(Indian recruiters CANNOT pronounce Georgia. It's pronounced Georg-ja. They ALWAYS pronounce it Georg-YEE-yah.)

Me: Where…is…the…position…located?

I.R.: Yes the position is located in b..boom foc, Wyoming.

Me: I think it’s pronounced ‘Bum F**k’.

I.R.: Oh sorry yes. Are you interested?

Me: No. I only want to stay in Atlanta, Georgia.

I.R.: You want to stay in Atlanta, Georg-YEE-yah?

Me: Yes.

I.R.: But this is in Boom-foc Wyoming.

Me: I know. But I want to stay in Atlanta, Georgia.

I.R.: This pays very well.

Me: How much does it pay?

I.R.: What is the lowest rate will you accept?

Me: What is the highest rate you are willing to pay?

I.R.: What is the lowest rate will you accept?

Me: What is the highest rate you are willing to pay?

I.R.: What is the lowest rate will you accept?

Me: One million dollars per hour.

I.R.: Ha, ha, oh no. I am sorry the most we can pay you is dollar forty per hour.

Me: One dollar and forty cents per hour?

I.R.: Yes.

Me: One dollar and forty cents per hour?

I.R.: Yes.

Me: I think you mean forty U.S. dollars per hour.

I.R.: Yes.

This is significantly less than I can make anywhere in the U.S. It’s not uncommon for them to say the word ‘dollar’ when they mean that the amount is in U.S. dollars…not rupees.

Me: Is this on a W-2, 1099 or corp-to-corp basis?

I.R.: Yes.

Me: I’m asking you a question. Is the rate on a W-2, 1099 or corp-to-corp basis?

I.R.: Yes.

Me: What is the duration of this project?

I.R.: Ello?

Me: What is the duration of this project?

I.R.: This position is two months.

Me: What is the job title?

I.R.: JAVA developer.

Me: I’m not interested.

I.R.: You are not interested?

Me: I’m not interested because I’m not a JAVA developer. I design and build C#, MVC, and SQL systems. I’m not interested in relocating to Bum F**k, Wyoming. The rate is too low. The duration is too short.

I.R.: We can pay dollar forty-two per hour.

Me: I’m still not interested.

I.R.: Is the location of Boom-foc, Wyoming ok?

Me: No.

I.R.: It is not ok?

Me: That’s what I said.

I.R.: But the position is two months.

Me: Two months is too short.

I.R.: Two months is too short?

Me: That’s what I said. Also I’m not a JAVA developer.

I.R.: You are not a JAVA developer?

Me: That’s what I said.

I.R.: We can go as high as dollar forty-three an hour.

Me: I'm making sixty an hour.

I.R.: Dollar forty three is a great rate.

Me: I'm making sixty an hour.

I.R.: Dollar forty four, I can do. I will contact my manager first.

Me: I'm making sixty an hour.

I.R.: The highest I can do is dollar forty four. Can you do this corp-to-corp? When can you report to work?

Me: (click)

[BuckeyeTexan]

Heh, heh.

[Lazamataz]

Well now that’s odd; the implication is you took offense.

Farthest thing from my desire!

I certainly recognize that there are a million roads to Rome, and your road is every bit as valid as mine.

[BuckeyeTexan]

I wasn’t offended. Don’t be silly.

[Lazamataz]

Good... I’m glad for that. Last thing I would ever desire. I treasure your friendship.

[Lazamataz]

Besides, you know wayyyy to much about me. :^o

[Lazamataz]

Like Thailand. :^o

[MarkL]

I've told this story before, but about 11 years ago, when I was looking for a job, I contacted a head hunter about finding a job. When I game them my resume, they told me that they would get back to me. However, I saw an on-line posting for a job that was made for me. At the time, I was both a Novell Master CNE and Master CNI (instructor,) and not only was I familiar with every product they mentioned, I was certified to both support and teach the products! When I contacted the recruiting company, it was the same one I had gone to, and even though my resume stated I was qualified for every one of the software packages, I just wan't the right guy for the job.

I later learned that recruiters from India will often post job requirements that are so outlandish and over the top, that no American could possibly qualify, allowing them to bring in H1-B visa employees. They figured that nobody could possibly have all those certifications.

I later learned that the company that was looking for staff was one that I had actually run their pilot conversion from OS/2 LanServer to Netware 3, and eventually trained many of their staff. The guy who was brought in new very little about Novell, the company was very unhappy (eventually letting him go, and I've heard never worked with that headhunter again,) and the company eventually migrated to Microsoft networks.

Mark

[MarkL]

Love me some Tandoori Chicken! I also learned I don't care for goat. Nor most curries, but I do love butter chicken. And naan, and mango lassi, and a couple of other things they have at a local restaurant - I've been told that many of their dishes have been "americanized," but hard-core eaters can order them "traditional style." This restaurant serves dishes from a region of India that uses a lot of heavy sauces, and a co-worker (from India) doesn't care for it, since she's from a different region that uses fewer sauces. I can understand that, since even regions in the USA have different styles of food.

Oh, and I love those deserts, but I can never remember what their called... One is sort of a liquidy rice pudding, and the other, for some reason I keep referring to it as "gom jabbar" (as in the poisoned needle from Dune.) These are little, fried balls of deliciousness, in a thin honey sauce.

Mark

[Lazamataz]

I have Type 2 Diabetes but I will never give up the sweet indian honey balls.

I will gladly loose body parts for that delicacy.

[MarkL]

Lol... I fell the same way, and I work in IT!

I started out in software, teaching myself the C programming language (from the book by the same name, 1st edition,) Steven Bourne’s “Russian Shell Doll” book, and the Bell Labs v6 System Programming Manual (it actually looked like, and was the same size as a telephone book!)

But I haven’t worked in software since 1989, and now although my job title has changed to “Network Architect,” it seems I’m still doing the same old “network administrator” grunt-work!

Mark