Posted on 08/26/2016 5:54:00 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
****
****
Now, for today's demonstration
****
****
****
****
****
Quote from Stabber, "I done stabbed you."
****
No.
****
Why is the flashlight there?
****
This reminds me of my first mystery novel: A Murder Most Permanent.
****
How do you get that job?
****
I'm guessing someone's gonna finish that haircut around the same time they give him a free orange jumpsuit.
****
There are days, and there are days...
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that’s not right."
The blonde audience called out, "Give her another chance!"
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.
Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the blonde crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
Dear Lord tell me that “Depends” picture is Photoshopped...ewwww....
Name three Hillary accomplishments.
1. She hasn’t been indicted yet.
2. She is by all standards an accomplished liar.
3. Have I said she hasn’t been indicted yet?
AN IRISH ANGLER
The rain was pouring down, and there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing”, replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the eighth” said the old man.
****
Baptizing an Irishman
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
“For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
It is photoshopped apparently from what one poster here posted on another thread. That’s all I know. I’m sure you understand I have no plans to investigate any deeper into this.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs.
OK.
Ten years later at 40 they play;
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.
OK.
Ten years later at 50;
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.
OK.
At 60;
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Wings are half price.
OK.
At 70;
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.
OK.
At 80;
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
We’ve never been there before!
2016 version of “who’s on first” routine!
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Democrat.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Hillary.
Thanks to USMCPOP:
Why use Extreme Shock when you can now have newly created XRBR ammo?
Xtreme Rabid Badger Rounds signal a paradigm shift in home defense and anti-terrorism ammunition. Utilizing the same state of the art technology that puts foam dinosaurs in those plastic capsules that dissolve in hot water, I’ve been able to enhance what would be otherwise boring hollow-point ammunition with a rabid badger core. The exact process is like, totally secret and proprietary.
Upon striking the body of your target, a rabid badger is unleashed through a process that involves a lot of really hard to understand math and physics calculations, and possibly some magic. The resulting stopping power goes beyond devastating, and is actually completely unable to be measured. In every ballistic test conducted, the badger ate the gelatin block, and then quickly turned on the testers.
My cores use very expensive laboratory grade badgers that are 99.9% pure, and 100% insane with rabies.
The shock of a rabid badger bursting from a teammate’s body and then going totally nuts adds a psychological warfare element unmatched by any other ammunition maker in the industry today. To further enhance this, I took a cue from the A-10 Warthog, and painted a scary face on each and every round.
Already in use by Elite Team Fighting and many other highly trained special operations forces around the world, XRBR rounds represent the zenith in small arms ammunition technology. Get yours today!
I don’t get it.....where’s the punch line ?
Somebody, throw some water on that witch.
A few I picked up that are pretty funny.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night...
[rim shot]
How I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and the patients were all shouting 13...13...13
The fence was too tall but I spotted a crack between two boards, so I put my eye to the crack and looked.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and they started shouting 14...14...14...
[rim shot]
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words.
Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard...
[rim shot]
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my uncle Vince. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his van.
[rim shot]
Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler...then silence is very suspicious.
[rim shot]
It’s not a toe it’s a furniture location device.
[rim shot]
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. “In HD” was apparently the wrong answer...
[rim shot]
I sat next to a really hot chick on the bus today and I kept thinking...Don’t get an erection...don’t get an erection....but she did...
[rim shot]
You are never worthless...Organs go for a lot on the black market.
[rim shot]
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.
[rim shot]
Roses are red.
Pizza sauce is too.
I ordered a large.
And none of it’s for you.
[rim shot]
Do you know what happens after 14 tequila shots? That’s OK nobody else does either...
[rim shot]
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
[rim shot]
When I was 10 I realized how dumb everything I said as a child was.
When I was 20 I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was.
Now I’m beginning to realize why old people don’t talk much...
Magic bullets.
Hillary accomplishment #1:
Getting Democrats to accept money in politics.
OMG! I OVERSLEPT!
And the world is STILL rotating upon its axis and orbiting the sun.
I should do this more often!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.