She 'loved life': Grieving father wrote openly about suicide and mental illness in daughter’s obit

WaPo ^ | August 18, 2016 | Colby Skowitz

[Mrs. Don-o]

Only hours after he learned his only daughter was dead, Ed Shoener sat down to write her obituary. It felt like one way he could still take care of his little girl.

He and his wife, Ruth, had been steeling themselves for this day since Katie’s first hospitalization more than 11 years ago. He knew immediately why the police were at his doorstep the night of Aug. 3. Yet nothing prepares a parent for the details about how their child ended her life.

But if Shoener, a deacon at his Catholic church, learned anything watching his daughter’s long struggle with mental illness, it’s that the disease that plagued her is tragically misunderstood. The last thing he could do for his daughter was try to help others understand.

So, with stunning candor, he began her obituary like this:

Kathleen ‘Katie’ Marie Shoener, 29, fought bipolar disorder since 2005, but she finally lost the battle on Wednesday to suicide in Lewis Center, Ohio.

[snip]

In their small, closeknit community little is kept secret, and everyone at church and at school knew Katie had tried to kill herself. And in those early days, with the diagnosis of bipolar still raw, the Shoeners carried the shame too often associated with mental illness....

[So], overwhelmed by the fatherly pull to protect her, her father wrote this in her obituary:

"So often people who have a mental illness are known as their illness. People say that “she is bipolar” or “he is schizophrenic.” Over the coming days as you talk to people about this, please do not use that phrase. People who have cancer are not cancer, those with diabetes are not diabetes. Katie was not bipolar — she had an illness called bipolar disorder — Katie herself was a beautiful child of God...."

[Mrs. Don-o]

Heartbreaking. Prayers for family. Prayers for all who suffer from bipolar disorder and other devastating mental illnesses.

[dp0622]

It is heartbreaking, but he is wrong. Those who have diabetes are know as diabetic.

Those who have cancer have been referred to as cancerous sometimes.

I was in a psych ward after depression from head injury.

It was horrific what these people went through. Horrific. It broke my heart.

But diabetics and cancer patients dont hide in closets with shotguns because people are after them. Guy told me that’s what he did, poor soul. While on medicine.

They dont disfigure their faces and necks with glass (saw that)

They dont wrestle with spirits that aren’t there.

Mental illness is a heart breaking disease but to say it is akin to diabetes and cancer is dangerous and midguided

[lee martell]

Very sad. Many times, this illness doesn’t surface until during or after adolescence, just when a family thinks their child is about ready for the world. Men are usually afflicted more often than women, but it’s still quite a large number of people and quite a large number of families going through this with them. My prayers to the family at this time of grief and reflection. She looked just like her mom.

[rockrr]

It’s a reaction to the anguish of losing someone dear to you. I think your point is valid but I can see why he shrinks from button-holing descriptions.

[dp0622]

there were some Gorgeous sweet and fun girls in psych with bi polar, at least while on their meds.

I had to go to group therapy for a few weeks after getting out and some of them were there. One had stopped taking her medicine and was unrecognizable from the gal I knew in psych!! Heartbreaking!! The meds, as with any disease, are REALLY important to take.

But their disease inherently puts them at risk of stopping the meds when they feel like it.

It’s a horrible thing and they need to start rocking and rolling on figuring out the brain.

BTW, I would NEVER go back to psych for depression, even if my injury symptoms acted up badly.

It is NO PLACE anyone wants to be.

There are some whose sickness prevents them from any chance at a normal life.

But the less extreme cases fight hard and they are admirable.

[Twinkie]

Years ago, a bigshot shrink put me on some prescription
drugs that actually DEPRESSED me almost beyond reason.
I started taking them as directed; but immediately I sank
into the depths. I had the presense of mind to reject the
meds. (This shrink would sit me down clear across the room
from him; like he was afraid I might hit him or something,
then ask me a few questions and then charge me a hundred
dollars an hour - & this was many years ago.) I had to get
myself FREE from these yahoos. I’ve been okay ever since,
I reckon. :o)

[Mjreagan]

Chemical depression is its own personal hell. Trust me.

[dp0622]

Agreed anti depressants are a hit and miss and they are still guessing at how they think they work.

I’m sure it has helped some. The average from studies is that one out of five SEVERELY depressed people actually will benefit from them. So many millions are taking them without reason.

Bi POLAR, on the other hand, their meds DO absolutely work and MUST be taken. I didn’t say they work 100 percent, but in most cases they make a drastic difference.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Katie Shoener

`

I think her father's point about "She was not bipolar, she had bipolar disorder" is valid for people with other diseases, too. It is distorted to "define" a person by their disease.

How often nurses tell me they're tempted to say, and absurdly, DO say, "Some visitors came in for the gall bladder at the end of B corridor" or "We need to raise the O2 sat for the TIA in Rm 201."

They wince and remind each other not to talk like that.

Same for cancer. If people kept referring to "that cancerous lady," "your cancerous mother," etc., over and over, it would shape your perception of your mother as a bundle of symptoms and not as a fully-dimensioned human being.

That's why it's wrong to talk about somebody as "gay." Not good to use a disorder as an identity.

[HiTech RedNeck]

Some of the “head set” are simply not humane.

[El Cid]

Thanks for the post.

[HiTech RedNeck]

She suffered from [name disease]. Context means a lot. Sometimes even the bible talks about a person in terms of his or her chief malady, but again this is because the narrative is about that malady.

[katana]

Seems to me most of the psychiatric profession is made up of people who are as or more mentally ill than their patients. Just an opinion based on observation. One female psychiatrist who put a close relative of mine on a series of psychotropic drugs, and nearly drove her to suicide, was obviously high on some of her own favorites during the sessions I attended.

[Carthego delenda est]

“Not good to use a disorder as an identity.”

Agree 100%.

[rfreedom4u]

My daughter was also bi-polar. She took her own life last November 23rd. It’s something a parent never “gets over” but has to learn to deal with and accept.

My one and only consolation is that she is now free of her earthly torment and pain. But I’d give anything to have her back. Nineteen years old is too soon to go.

[IronJack]

A few decades ago, a couple of psychologists (Harper and Ellis?) shared a thesis called “E-prime.” It described a language in which the use of “to be” verbs was minimized. They didn’t speak of people “being” things, but rather described the things they DID and THOUGHT and BELIEVED. The idea is that no one “is” always and only one thing, and to describe them as such does a disservice to human complexity.

There’s a certain New Age foolishness to the idea, but it also has some merits, not least being that it advances accountability. You can’t help what you “are,” but you CAN change what you DO.

[sagar]

Unlike cancer and diabetic patients, mentally ill patients are dangerous to others. If cancerous people could cause physical harm to others, I would be calling them out too. Let’s not pretend that mentally ill people are just normal and need normal treatment. They should be medicated and given a chance at life, or locked up (if they refuse).

[IronJack]

You have my utmost sympathy. For years, I feared for my son. Fortunately, he made it past the darkness.

Prayers for you ...

[heartwood]

My condolences and prayers for your loss.

My son has schizoaffective disorder - bipolar with persistent delusions. I don’t think suicide is in the picture for him but I have accepted that I will have to care for him off and on for the rest of my life.

I remember my grandmother in her nineties weeping for my father, who committed suicide, forty years after his death. I am afraid that I will be weeping on my deathbed because I will be leaving my son unprotected.

[rockrr]

My most sincere condolences to you and your family.