Post your own Soviet Humor (Vanity)

One Hundred Russian Jokes ^ | 4/26/2016 | Various

[Uncle Miltie]

How about something a little lighter!? Soviet humor, where we can all certainly use a laugh at the inhuman system of enslavement we helped defeat.

Find and post your own! Happy Tuesday ....

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”

We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Of course, not. By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”

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This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”

We’re answering: “The partners in the police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep watch over those two intellectuals.”

[Rebelbase]

Yakov is still a hit in Branson, Mo.

[KC_Lion]

[Bob434]

I can’t remember if it was kruschev or Gorbachev- but ronald Reagan once wrote and invited one of them ot his opening night of the play, and said

“Bring a friend.... If you have one”

to which the man replied

“I will be honored, but i can’t make it to the first night- I’ll be there is the second night... if there is one”

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

[MrBambaLaMamba]

[DungeonMaster]

A female Russian who visited my sister complained all the time about everything. She said that is all they have to do in Russia is complain. Anyone who seems happy is called a “White Crow”, as in Black Sheep, and is considered weird.

[pierrem15]

One day Brezhnev announces that he and his entourage are going to the Black Sea for a vacation.

"Excellent idea, sir!"

"You deserve a vacation, Comrade First Secretary!" they say.

They get to the beach, and lay down on some towels. Brezhnev rolls over on his stomach and goes to sleep in the warm sun.

Meanwhile, a stray dog rushes past security and makes straight for the First Secretary.

Inserting its snout firmly between Brezhnev's buttocks, it starts licking furiously.

Brezhnev wakes up with a snort and says, "Comrades! Comrades! Devotion to Party is one thing, but this is ridiculous!"

[needmorePaine]

Comeback? Why does he need a comeback when he’s got Yakov’s Dinner Adventure in Branson!

[gdzla]

During WW2 Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met at Tehran for a conference to discuss how to pursue the war against Germany. During the meetings it was also discussed as to what supplies were needed to sent to the Soviets. Stalin gave a huge list to Roosevelt and Churchill.
After the meeting was over Stalin pulled Roosevelt aside and told him that there was one item left off the list given to Churchill for fear of embarrassing Churchill's Victorian sensibilities..
Stalin asked Roosevelt if he could approach Churchill privately on this delicate matter. Roosevelt agreed.
Roosevelt asked what is it that Stalin wanted.
Stalin said that since there were over 2 million viral lovelorn Soviet men in the field away from home he wanted to provide them with condoms so as not to bring home any fascist diseases. Stalin went on to state that these condoms must be able to accommodate a minimum of 12 inches as Soviet men were a large breed and needed a comfortable fit.
Roosevelt, somewhat shocked at the request, told Stalin he would talk to Churchill to see what could be done.
Roosevelt spoke of Stalin's request with Churchill privately.
After a few moments thought Churchill told Roosevelt to go ahead and comply with Stalin's request. However with one minor addition: Each condom should have printed on it in English and Russian “Texas Medium”.

[wetickel]

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is just the opposite.

[Stand Watch Listen]

[Vinnie]

.... it's telling that so many of the old Soviet jokes apply to today's PC environment in the US.

Yes
I was just thinking about it when reading the 'Confederate Monument' thread, ie, rewriting history or pretending it didn't happen.

[DFG]

bookmark

[LambSlave]

What did the Russians use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

[Uncle Miltie]

Comrade! Over here!

[Ancient Man]

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you.

[DugwayDuke]

The US Ambassador to France challenged the Soviet Ambassador to a two man race around the Eiffel Tower. Pravda reported the results as follows: The US and Soviet Ambassadors participated in a face around the world famous Eiffel Tower. The US Ambassador finished next to last while the Soviet Ambassador finished in second place.

[M Kehoe]

LOL.

5.56mm

[SampleMan]

;-)

[PLMerite]

Old 1980s Solidarity joke:

Q: Why can’t you use the bathroom in Poland?

A: Because they’re occupied.