Posted on 10/01/2015 7:03:15 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
The College Football Czar: Week 5
Week four in review: The College Football Czar had another bad week, although the week the replay officials had around the country was far worse. A completely unjustifiable reversal on a fumble call to decide the Thursday night Memphis-Cincinnati game set the tone for a long Saturday of blown calls on replay. The Czar accepts the fact that instant replay reviews are here to stay, but he’ll thank announcers to stop justifying the practice with the asinine assertion that “the important thing is to get the call right in the end.”
Those teams that were expected to be national contenders this year have basically fallen into two categories: the underachievers (Alabama, USC, TCU), and those teams that have yet to be tested by a formidable opponent (Clemson, Baylor, Georgia). Parity has been the rule so far, and that’s unfortunate, because it will probably result in calls for immediate playoff expansion, once there are eight or nine teams that can make a valid argument for being ranked fourth. For the sake of his regular readers, the Czar won’t rehash his anti-playoff arguments, but he will add one more that you might not have considered. Anything that would make that abrasive boob from the Dr. Pepper commercials happy cannot help but be detrimental to all other living things and the universe in which they reside.
At least the Czar didn’t have another losing week, but 9-9 is plenty bad enough. If he had it to do over again, he’d still pick Tennessee, Texas and Purdue, each of whom went to ludicrous extremes not to finish their opponents off. Some of his other picks (Virginia, BYU, Oregon) are less excusable. For the season, the Czar’s record stands at 48-29, for a .623 winning percentage.
Oct. 2
Memphis at South Florida
Last Thursday, the Tigers fumbled with about two few minutes left in a wild, high-scoring tie game with Cincinnati. Although WR Roderick Proctor clearly lost control of the ball before hitting the turf, the call was reversed, and Justin Fuente’s team marched on to a 53-46 victory.
The Bulls’ helmet logo resembles a doorknocker, which is fitting, because when one approaches a doorknocker, he finds himself stepping on that other symbol of USF football, the doormat. Willie Taggart’s team has now lost 10 of its last 13 games against Division I-A competition. Their greatest offensive output in any of those ten defeats was in last November’s 31-20 loss to this same Memphis team.
Tiger QB Paxton Lynch has got eight TDs and no picks this year, the latter of which is a bit surprising. The long-limbed 6-foot-7 slinger looks like a natural born picker. While he’s in the Sunshine State, he must be tempted to go pick a few coconuts, but it’s not worth it. There have been enough freak injuries in college football this year, without any quarterbacks having Keith Richards fall on them.
Memphis 38, South Florida 17
Oct. 3
Pitt at Virginia Tech
Rookie Pitt coach Pat Narduzzi needlessly gave away the momentum in a Week 3 loss at Iowa. Having trailed by ten at halftime, the Panthers came back to tie the game at 17-17, and would have almost surely taken the lead if they’d converted a fourth-and-inches from outside the opponents’ 40. Although it should have been an easy pickup, Narduzzi opted to punt. The bad decision led to a bad kick, which went for a touchback. The unearned stop gave the Hawkeyes new life, which they used to drive for the go-ahead score. The Panthers fought back again, but were done in by a last-second, 57-yard field goal, 27-24.
VT quarterback Michael Brewer suffered a broken collarbone in an opening loss to Ohio State, but junior Brenden Motley is closer to fitting the mold of the traditional Tech offense. Last week, Motley set new personal highs in both passing (281 yards) and rushing (85). That wasn’t enough to overcome East Carolina, however, in a 35-28 setback.
Last season at Heinz Field, the Gobblers’ ground attack accounted for only 26 yards on 22 carries, in a 21-16 loss that sent them into a tailspin. Their rushing stats are a lot better so far this season, although those 299 yards against the Division I-AA Man of Fur shouldn’t really count.
Never heard of the Man of Fur playing college football? You must be too young to remember Oklahoma quarterback Jamelle Holieway.
Pitt 28, Virginia Tech 23
Army at Penn State
Both running backs Saquon Barkley and Akeel Lynch left the Nittany Lions’ 37-21 win over San Diego State with leg injuries. As a result, they, behind Christian Hackenberg, will be the armier of the two teams in this week’s meeting with Army. The erratic junior needed to have by far his best game of the young season against SDSU, and he did, tallying 296 yards and three TDs.
The Black Knights broke a 21-game losing streak away from Michie Stadium in a 58-36 barnburner at Eastern Michigan. Going for a second straight at PSU might seem a little ambitious, though. Granted, all the Cadets’ defeats have been very close, but they’ve been to I-AA Fordham, Uconn and Wake Forest.
A decade or so ago, Army recruiters came up with the strangely individualistic slogan, “An Army of One” – which just goes to show that there may be no “I” in “team,” but there is “Our Me.”
Penn State 44, Army 15
West Virginia at Oklahoma
This is the Mountaineers’ first Big XII road trip of the year, which means fatigue won’t have set in yet. By the time they’ve traveled to Waco in Week 7 and Fort Worth in Week 9, the season could start to wear on them. That could be a painful geography lesson for RB Rushel Shell, who once committed to transferring to UCLA, until he realized that Los Angeles and Pittsburgh are far apart.
WVU led through much of the first half of last year’s shootout in Morgantown, but a TD from a kickoff return just before halftime tied the game for the Sooners, who rolled on to victory in the second half, 45-33. The Eers weren’t as well equipped to take advantage of OU’s porous pass defense as they are this year, with Skyler Howard averaging over 300 yards a game, with nine TDs and one interception on the season.
Too bad there’s no major college team in New York City, because Shell could have gotten there easily. The Czar knows this from watching The Song Remains the Same, in which the Led Zeppelin bus rides into Manhattan by way of the Fort Pitt Tunnel. Either that, or all the guys had just blacked out for the several hundred miles in between.
West Virginia 50, Oklahoma 42
Notre Dame at Clemson
Last Saturday at South Bend, it was no mas for Umass by the fourth quarter, even though they had put up a good fight against the Irish in the first half. In fact, it was a 21-20 game until just over three minutes left before the break, when freshman wide receiver C.J. Sanders returned a punt for a touchdown. From there, it unraveled to a forgettable final of 62-27.
The Irish have already downed one ACC division favorite, but that Georgia Tech team has failed to live up to its expectations, losing to Duke a week later. It remains to be seen if this Tiger team is any more formidable. Sure, they’re 3-0, but they opened the season with consecutive games against lower-division foes, and then they barely escaped Louisville, 20-17.
The golden domers think they’ve got lots of great traditions, but the Tigers have got a big chunk of flint that a couple yokels beat up with a hammer. The kind of people who would cross the ocean to suck face with some other rock just might be impressed with that.
Clemson 37, Notre Dame 33
Alabama at Georgia
Early in the week, a headline on ESPN’s website read, “Bama’s streak of 72 games as favorite in doubt.” The horror! For those who care about the outcomes of the games, the Crimson Tide have won 62 of those previous 72 games. An excellent record, but what good did being the favorite do them in those other ten games?
The Bulldogs are 4-0 so far, with two wins against weenie nonconference opponents, and two wins against weenie SEC teams. Their remaining schedule isn’t exactly daunting either. Their only other West division opponent is Auburn.
The Tide’s 34-0 mugging of Louisiana-Monroe may have felt good, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve improved any since the previous week’s meltdown against Ole Miss.
A likeness of coach Mark Richt has been carved into a cornfield in a town called Tifton, along with the caption, “15 Seasons with UGA.” See? Even space aliens love SEC football. After all, nothing on this planet could make shapes in a field. You can’t argue with science.
Georgia 35, Alabama 24
Iowa at Wisconsin
The Badgers’ “Jump Around” tradition has provided most of the movement that’s been seen recently in Camp Randall Stadium, where the home team has plodded past Troy 28-3, and Hawaii 28-0.
The prevailing media narrative on the Hawkeyes is that this year’s team is different from those that have underperformed in recent years, mostly because of a change in perspective by coach Kirk Ferentz. We’ll see. To this point, they’ve escaped a home game against Pitt by three points, and beaten up on Iowa State, North Texas, and I-AA Illlinois State. The Czar remains unconvinced. Let’s see how they do in conference road games at Wisconsin, Northwestern, Indiana and Nebraska.
This year’s Badger team has lacked the imposing running game that had been its trademark for so many years, but freshman Taiwan Deal is coming off a breakout game, in which he rushed for 147 yards and two touchdowns.
In case you’ve never heard of Taiwan Deal, it was negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry. The terms are that Taiwan now belongs to China, and we have agreed to arm it with giant robotic mosquitoes that spit fiery death pellets.
Wisconsin 21, Iowa 16
Arizona at Stanford
Conventional wisdom has it that the Cardinal’s opening 16-6 loss to Northeastern is no longer relevant, but the Czar thinks their 41-31 upset of USC will instead prove to be the aberration. Okay, so they followed up with another big offensive day against Oregon State, but so will practically everyone else.
The Wildcats could use Anu Solomon, because their old one might be broken. Last week against UCLA, the sophomore scrambler crumpled himself while attempting to slide. They don’t make Solomons like they used to. Cardinal QB Kevin Hogan, meanwhile, is expected to play with a sprained ankle.
While Solomon’s status remains up in the air, linebacker Scooby Wright, who had just returned from a knee injury, will miss several games due to an injured foot. It’s been a bad run of luck for Scooby, so the College Football Czar predicts that he and Shaggy will stumble upon a trailer full of sandwiches that had been left behind by a villain who’d been posing as Bluebeard the pirate. Sure, it sounds like a long shot, but he’s due.
Arizona 29, Stanford 25
Texas at TCU
As inventive as the Longhorns have been about blowing games, they might want to put out a suggestion box so that they may start taking requests. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen a player run the wrong way and score a safety for the opposition, so maybe they can try that one next.
Against California, the pointy cows came back from a three-TD, fourth-quarter deficit, only to miss a last-minute extra point and lose, 45-44. Last week against Oklahoma State, they gave up the winning field goal after their punter fumbled a perfectly good snap deep in his own territory.
The Horned Frogs were on the right side of a wild finish against Texas Tech, whom they held off by a final of 55-52. Running back Aaron Green caught the winning touchdown with 23 seconds to play, on a tipped pass that was obviously not intended for him.
If TCU is Texas Christian, then what does that mean about their opponents from Austin? Are they the official Texas football team of Bill Maher? No wonder God hates them.
TCU 47, Texas 40
Ole Miss at Florida
Gator RB Kelvin Taylor scored two more touchdowns in a 28-27 comeback victory over Tennessee, but once in the end zone, he kept his hands to himself. The arrangement seems to be that as long as Taylor doesn’t slash his throat, coach Jim McElwain won’t have to wring his neck.
UF continued its mastery over the Volunteers with its eleventh straight win in the rivalry, but it hasn’t fared nearly as well against Mississippi. Not only have the Rebels won three of the last four, but they actually lead the sparsely contested interdivisional series, 12-10-1.
The Rebs wore their nifty light blue helmets for a second game in a row, and gave a terrible performance in a 27-16 scare against Vanderbilt. They should have known they’d sapped all of the luck out of them in the preceding win over Alabama. Using them again was like re-chewing the gum that’s been on your bedpost overnight.
The Czar hopes you’re the one who left the gum there in the first place; otherwise, it’s unsanitary.
Ole Miss 22, Florida 19
Air Force at Navy
The Midshipmen are aiming for a championship in their first season of conference play in the AAC, but the title they want the most is the Commander-in-Chief’s trophy that the flyboys wrested from them last year, 30-21.
Normally, teams hate having to prepare to face a wishbone offense on short notice, but does that still apply to teams that run it themselves, and therefore face it regularly in practice? If so, that would figure to benefit the Falcons, who have had a week off since taking a tough 35-21 loss at Michigan State. The Middies, meanwhile, were busy beating Uconn, 28-18.
How did the commander get in the chief, anyway? And how does he know which rest room to use?
Navy 34, Air Force 24
Minnesota at Northwestern
One more W will match the Wildcats’ total from a year ago. It will also bring them within another win of bowl-eligibility, which is a foregone conclusion judging from the way they’ve played in beating Stanford and Duke. Although they’ve faced competent offensive opponents, the Cats have held each of them to 19 points or fewer.
The Golden Gophers garnered praise for their opening 23-17 loss to TCU, but their wins haven’t been so wonderful. In each of their past two games, they’ve only beaten a middle-echelon MAC opponent by three.
The College Football Czar used to think the Golden Gophers was a raunchy sitcom starring three old ladies, but he realized he’d been wrong about that when Bea Arthur revealed that she was actually a woodchuck.
Northwestern 28, Minnesota 16
North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The 3-1 Tarheels have only won one legitimate game so far, when they innil-ated Illinois, 48-14. Last season, they went to a bowl game with a regular season record of 6-6, but that won’t be good enough this year, since only one of their two wins over I-AA foes can count toward bowl eligibility.
The Yellowjackets are sometimes known as the Ramblin Wreck, but lately they’ve been a wreck of the more common stationary variety. In consecutive losses at Notre Dame and Duke, they rushed for 214 and 173 yards, respectively. A year ago, they averaged 342. Their triple-option attack has opted to do so little that QB Justin Thomas has collected fewer rushing yards than UNC scrambler Marquise Williams.
It’s a little-known fact that a Ramblin Wreck actually doesn’t go anywhere. It’s only called a “rambling” wreck because it never stops yammering about its fantasy stats.
North Carolina 26, Georgia Tech 21
Mississippi State at Texas A&M
Last season, the Conjunction Boys defeated Arkansas in an overtime neutral-site game in Arlington. A week later, they suffered their first defeat of the year, against this same Bulldog team. They’ve just scored another OT win over Arkansas in Arlington, 28-21. Now, they’re hoping they’re not experiencing A& vu.
Bulldog WR De’Runnya Wilson has caught eleven passes in two previous games against the Aggies, and has had at least one reception in every game of his career, except for a game against a lower-division opponent, in which he was being rested. Had Wilson’s parents known he would be 6-5, 215, they might have named him De’Reseevya instead. It’s just as well they didn’t.
This game is one place where you could say, “What a maroon,” and people would say, “Thank you.” Anywhere else, nobody would know what in tarnation you meant by that.
Texas A&M 32, Mississippi State 28
Texas Tech vs. Baylor
In yet another among far too many neutral-site games in Arlington, these teams return to the scene of last year’s meeting, where the Bears were nearly upset by QB Pat Mahomes and the Red Raiders. Then a freshman, Mahomes bombed the Bear defense for 598 yards and six touchdowns in the 48-46 scare that foreshadowed the Waco kids’ collapse in the Cotton Bowl.
The Czar doesn’t even like nonconference neutral-site dome games, even though they tend to feature matchups that wouldn’t otherwise happen. Taking a home-and-home between conference opponents who have to play anyway, and nullifying the home field advantage for each team by moving both games into a big ball of gloom, makes about as much sense as pouring cod liver oil over ice cream.
The BU program used to be a laughing stock, but they get much better talent these days, in part because coach Art Briles makes it known that the school is located on the Brazos. It seems the recruits think that’s got something to do with nacho chips and lingerie.
Baylor 61, Texas Tech 43
Ohio State at Indiana
The Czar can’t keep track of the Buckeyes’ QB situation. Either they have an infinite number of outstanding quarterbacks, or they have none at all. But it’s still the same three guys, right?
OSU has trudged through its nonconference schedule with four unimpressive wins, and without facing an offense nearly as formidable as the one it’ll find waiting for it in Bloomington.
The Hoosiers are 4-0, but they would have been last year, too, if their fourth game had been against Wake Forest. The fact that they only defeated the Deacons by a touchdown does not speak well of their chances this week. They’ve still got QB Nate Sudfeld, which hasn’t always been the case. Had he stayed healthy in 2014, they’d have played in the postseason for sure.
It’s hard to blame the folks from Columbus for looking down their noses at their neighbors to the west. Can you believe those hicks spell “IU” without a triangle?
Ohio State 45, Indiana 35
Arkansas at Tennessee
In the Razorbacks’ defense, the first third of their schedule was far tougher than those of most of their SEC rivals. Nevertheless, they’ve already lost three in a row, before even playing their first true road game. In addition to this trip to Knoxville, they must visit Alabama, Ole Miss and LSU.
The Czar hereby nominates Volunteer coach Butch Jones for the Lardhead of the Year Award. Last week, Jones’ team lost to Florida 28-27, partly because the coach decided to kick an extra point to lead by 13 with only ten minutes remaining, rather than try to solidify a two-touchdown lead. After the game, he actually blamed the dreaded two-point conversion idiot card, which he should have been ashamed to have consulted in the first place. “We have a chart, that’s pretty standard in football, that maps it out,” he said. So you see, the asinine decision just kind of happened all by itself.
Hopefully, Jones does not also have a chart telling him when it’s a good idea to make toast in the bathtub.
Arkansas 17, Tennessee 14
UNLV at Nevada
Okay, so beating Division I-AA Idaho State – even by a final of 80-8 – doesn’t count for much, but it reinforces the impression that this is an improved Rebel team under former high school coach Tony Sanchez. Each of their three losses, to Northern Illinois (38-30), UCLA (37-3) and Michigan (28-7) looks more respectable in hindsight.
The Wolf Pack return home after three consecutive road games, salvaging a 24-21 victory at Buffalo after losses to Arizona and Texas A&M. It’s not surprising that their rushing totals aren’t yet comparable to last year’s, but last week at UB, sophomore James Butler ran for a career-high 177 yards, including a 91-yard carry from his own 4-yard line all the way to the Vegas 5.
These intrastate rivals play for possession of the Fremont Canon, a mountain howitzer that was used by Gen. John C. Fremont, the Mexican War hero who became the first presidential nominee of the Republican Party. Just a hunch, but he probably didn’t deliver any campaign speeches in Spanish – did he, Jeb?
Nevada 49, UNLV 38
Vanderbilt at Middle Tennessee
Thankfully, MT-heads have no memory, which means the 2-2 Blue Raiders should be able to put their 27-25 loss to Illinois behind them. Illini kicker Talyor Zalewski booted a 51-yarder to give his team the lead with just over two minutes to play, but MTSU’s Cody Clark missed a potential game-winner from 43 yards out with only seconds remaining.
Vandy has already lost to one Conference USA team, in a 14-12 opener against Western Kentucky. They are winless all-time against the Raiders, dropping three games from 2001-05.
The Commodores are named after railroad magnate Cornelius Vanderbilt, who was only nicknamed Commodore, and was not a Naval officer. That’s how nonsensical the anchor-and-chain motif that adorns Vandy’s uniforms is. The school is in Nashville, after all. How dopey is it to adopt a nautical theme for a team that far inland?
The Pirates of Major League Baseball are another story, because they play on the “North Shore” of Pittsburgh. See? Rushel Shell’s not the only geographically illiterate person ‘round these parts.
Middle Tennessee 19, Vanderbilt 11
South Carolina at Missouri
Tiger QB Maty Mauk is suspended for the ubiquitous violation of team rules, but how badly he’ll be missed is debatable, since he only has a completion percentage of 51.8 percent, with six touchdowns and four picks. Freshman Drew Lock is not entirely inexperienced, having taken snaps in each of Mizzou’s four games this season.
The 2-2 Gamecocks may have gotten their second wind, after having it knocked out of them in a blowout loss to Georgia. Freshman QB Lorenzo Nunez got his first career start last week against Central Florida, and he lit up the Knights for 184 passing yards and another 123 on the ground.
Each of these teams hails from a town named Columbia, but neither of them is affiliated with CBS. They just want to make that clear, so that nobody blames them for the hiring of Stephen Colbert.
South Carolina 23, Missouri 21
Nebraska at Illinois
Fighting Illini wide receiver Geronimo Allison is doubly hostile and abusive. At least he seemed to be toward Middle Tennessee in last week’s 27-25 victory. Allison’s ten receptions included four catches on the drive that set up the game-winning field goal.
The N-men evened their record at 2-2, but at this point, even their victories are somewhat demoralizing. Leading Southern Miss 22-0 at halftime, they unraveled in the second half before hanging on to win 36-28. One of the factors that allowed USM to close the gap was that the Cornhuskers wasted many of their 610 total yards, as they settled for seven field goal attempts, missing two.
The Huskers have lost one game on a Hail Mary against BYU, and another when they bungled their overtime possession against Miami, after having come back from a 33-10 fourth-quarter deficit. That’s enough to leave a worse taste in their mouths than Corn Chex breath.
Nebraska 30, Illinois 17
Go Cal!
I enjoy reading your CF prognostications. I hope your wrong about a few though this week.
Good Luck.
I doubt Texas scores 40+ on TCU. If Texas can’t beat us (Okstate) they won’t play close to TCU.
Ditto, took the words right off my keyboard, also an OSU fan here. The Czar is in for a long season if he persists in choosing UT although I hope he goes for it again next week and gets it right for the Red River Rivalry.
My Dad was an Okie State grad and fan. He was happy to live long enough to see them play good football.
Those days are slipping away. Gundy has to go.
Oh, and great story about your dad. Did he see the Fiesta Bowl?
Oh yeah! I bought him the graphics tee-shirt, from Drysdales I think and he wore it out.
Hank Iba recruited my father-in-law to play basketball for Oklahoma A&M shortly after the two national championships but FIL did not want to go to college.
My mother still calls the school A&M.
Hey America, The Gators Are Back!
OMG!
Coaching Matters.
Yea no crap!
I had no idea Auburn hired Muschamp till today. No wonder their offense has looked like crap except for Peyton Barber.
Thanks for the hand-me-down...
How Muschamp is still getting a paycheck from anyone is beyond me.
If Malzahn doesn’t get his poop in a pile he’s going to get canned.
Muschamp is just another nail in his coffin.
If you’re going to do this every week please put me on your ping list.
So now what? Do the Gators go to #3 and Ole Miss goes to #24 and Bama to #25?
This is some crazy sh!t.
Well now we have to get ready for Mr. Fournette. But the good news is that in terms of winning the SEC East, losing to LSU won’t be that big of deal, still have to beat UGA and Mizzou.
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