Posted on 08/14/2015 7:48:39 PM PDT by proud American in Canada
Hi,
I feel like I have relied on FR so much recently. Everything is breaking down around here. My husband checked himself into a hospital a couple of days ago; he needs heart bypass surgery.
My son and daughter are in the Gaspe peninsula visiting their grandmother. They will come back in a week, except my son will be stopping in Montreal to go to college.
Our house is falling apart; we have no exterior back wall and the insurance won't pay for it, that will cost $15K Canadian.
I am a lawyer in Colorado, but don't really know the ropes here in QC, especially in French.
I had my drivers license suspended for medical reasons; I am now on medication and should get it back soon. I have to, because my husband won't be allowed to drive after he has his surgery, which he won't have for another two weeks.
I just don't know what to do, except I do retreat to the feelings I have felt since I was fourteen... I was a "cutter" before it was cool. Over thirty years ago, I would walk from my law school dorm room in Chicago to the Walgreens... to buy razor blades. It felt so good to cut myself.
Now, all I can think about is finding those stupid keys for the gun locks that my husband put on his guns (he knows me too well).
I used to think I had something to contribute to the world. Now, I am not sure.
I called the hospital and I just wanted to go over there and sleep in a cot next to him, but I'm not allowed.
It's just me and my black Lab named Ellie.
Anyway, sorry to bother you all. Just wondered if anyone else here felt like this sometimes and what did you do about it?
I thought that may help. Stick it out for me. Let me know how thing are going in a couple of weeks.
You may be surprised at how things can improve, especially, your outlook.
Luv ya.
JJ
That takes a lot of guts to do that, so please seek help, you have to many people that love you and would be hurt if you were not in their lives!
First, your husband is scheduled for surgery. Two weeks may seem a long time, but it is a blink of an eye. He will need you, and more importantly, he will WANT you there when he comes home.
Every life matters, despite what the media will tell you. I hope and pray that you realise that means you too.
Yes, you matter, your life matters.
You matter to us, but even more so you matter to your family.
And above all, you matter to God.
Please, please take a moment to breathe slowly, say a prayer, and pick up the phone. Call a friend, call a family member, call a pastor. Call anyone. And stay on the line, work through the darkness, and see God’s light.
You have the strength
Nope....no, not now, not ever.
Your dog needs you tonight/tomorrow.
Your hubby needs you for the rest of his life.
Your kids and (future?) grandkids need you for generations.
Don’t leave a legacy that will hurt them.
We need you, right here, at Free Republic.
You have lots of FRiends, saying lots of prayers for you, your hubby and your sweet family.
Life is filled with ups and downs. I must admit, I thought about it too at various times in my life. But then time passes and things change.
My personal theory and I have seen too many suicides (law enforcement) is that you can get so down that the chemistry in the brain follows suit. People who do that have usually lost perspective for many reasons.
Please focus on Ellie and everything else that is good in your life and keep the faith. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone because you need perspective.
Each of us needs something bigger than ourselves to live for even when life gets rough and we don’t have the energy to face it - God and family for me. Imagine the hurt to all that you love and all that you would miss. That is real and when you can’t see that anymore it’s time to seek professional help - it might seem like suicide fixes your problem, but as others have said it passes those problems on to everything around you - even our pets!
Sending you love and praying you will seek help beyond the limitations of FR. Your brain is telling you one thing, but listen to your heart!
Please allow me to add my voice to the many others who urge you to seek the support and guidance you so desperately need. The choices you make may affect you for only a short while but the ripples of your actions reverberate forever.
Your family needs you and this world is a better place with you in it. Please remember that you are loved and you are not alone.
Prayers up!
And selfish because your loved ones will spend the rest of their lives second-guessing themselves. Should they have known? Did they miss your call for help, little signs?
I know this because a friend of mine lost her brother to suicide and they never got over it.
Thank you so much. :) You are right.
Thank you. I really feel better and I appreciate all of your encouragement. FR is a wonderful place.
My prayers are with you and your family, and with everyone that cared enough to read and reply to me. It really means a lot.
As my Mom would say, Tomorrow is a New Day. :)
xo to everyone. :)
Think about who’s going to take care of Ellie if you blow your brains out.
Ellie needs you, my Friend.
My best to you and your family.
There is a possibility your suicidal thoughts are caused by the medication you are on. So the thoughts you are having are not really your own, but are likely in your mind because of a chemical imbalance. Follow the good advice here about getting help immediately and be sure to contact your doctor as well.
You may feel overwhelmed at the moment but things will work out. It may look impossible right now, but it’s not. Think of all the simple things that you love in life, try to enjoy them until this moment eases. It will ease. Life can be painful and very difficult but it is worth every minute. Don’t quit, you will never know what is just around the corner—trudge on. Trudge on. Stay strong and rise to your challenge, you can do it if you don’t give in to the negative. Your kids and your husband need you to be strong right now. Stop being selfish and fight. If you need to scream and cry and throw something, do it but then get off the pity pot and fight.
I did when I was younger. I went through a few months that seemed an especially bad season of this oppressive helpless hopeless feeling of just refusal to see what the next moment would bring, like everything in life was Lucy taking away the football.
Fortunately or unfortunately my life began badly and I had a tolerance for pain early on. But that experience let mecknow that as oppressive and inescapable that pain was, it was not me. And it not being me meant I could outlast it.
Knowing that was not a path to feeling better. I would know that even when I felt Ibwas in a whirlpool of chaos and self judgement of no escaping, pain that started to feel sweet, comforting...distance from others feeling like security. I could soak in those feelings until I felt pruny (movie reference) but knowing that it was not me, but something else I could examine and see as separate from me, meant that I knew there was an other side. And that getting too used to the sweet side of pain meant I’d have a harder time being normal even when existence was cooperating from it’s end, I’d have a harder time connecting to the people who are put in your way to be angels.
I compare it to times when I was afoot and had to get home in a hailstorm. You have to go. There’s no way to avoid the pain. There is an other side, and this will be a story of a period of your life.
Sometimes pain or emptiness helps a person to make a frightening change for their good. I tell people I live on a sailboat, they think, oh, fantasy, Life of Riley. Well, it’s a fantasy now. But there was a nightmare going on in my life extreme enough to make me sell/give away everything, go bags in hand to run away to the ocean. I had no idea where my home was going to be or what boats Ivwas going to find. But I knew one thing solid, on the other side somewhere was my home out if the hail, and this would become a story. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Take what helps. {{pAiC))
I was in my mid twenties, with a new family when my mother planned for me to find her after Labor Day weekend in ‘83.
Trust me. You don’t want do do anything like that to those who love you. Especially your kids.
It’s been 32 years and I still haven’t gotten over the hurt and anger.
Nothing is ever that dire, no matter how much it may seem that way now.
No matter how bad it is, taking one's life doesn't solve a thing. It hurts those that care and love you for the rest of their lives. Some you don't even know how much they care about you. A dog has saved my life more times than I can count as they depend upon you for their entire life and just return love with no judgment. Talk to someone that is experienced in dealing with these feelings and ignore those that make you feel worse. God bless you and pray you get through this tribulation.
Proud American, we love you, you need to get some help.
DON’T KILL YOURSELF.
As someone said, that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Maybe your kids can help you, or maybe you need to come back to the US.
But I agree with the first poster, you need to seek help RIGHT NOW.
We are ALWAYS here for you.
DON’T KILL YOURSELF.
Just don’t, please!
Been there. Things get better. We need more proud Americans, especially Coloradans, spreading the message of truth and justice in the socialist Canada! Prayers up for you from Western Colorado.
And selfish because your loved ones will spend the rest of their lives second-guessing themselves. Should they have known? Did they miss your call for help, little signs?I know this because a friend of mine lost her brother to suicide and they never got over it.
Please call your son and daughter and ask them to come home NOW. You need them.
Call a hotline or a friend to come stay with you. NOW.
Please don’t have such awful thoughts. We love you here and would miss your posts terribly.
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