Posted on 04/19/2014 8:20:04 AM PDT by Lazamataz
Enjoy.
So, if I’m Luke Skywalker, and Darth Vader tells me he is my father, I’m not all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo”.
I’m more like, “Awesome! I need the keys to the Death Star tonight, dad. I’m trying to score with Princess Leah.”
I lost 30% upper-frequency hearing in one ear. I went to the ENT doctor, and they did an audio test on me today, confirming what I already knew.
But, after an exhaustive battery of tests, they have isolated the cause:
I have a song stuck in my head.
Watch out Lucky. Mr. Mataz is poaching on your turf!
Mean flowers suck. I was bullied by an orchid. He brandished his pistil at me.
Well, I guess the there is the best kind.
Get Drunk With Dignity
by Tim Cavanaugh
When you’ve had too much to drink
There’s certain things to keep in mind
Like if you find your hands
and underarms are bleeding
Your beer bottle might not have a twist-off cap
And don’t ever go home with
a woman they call ‘Moose’ or ‘Vince’
And never bet that you can fit
your head inside a glove compartment
Get drunk with dignity
Keep in mind that just because a bulldog licks your face
it’s not necessary to lick him back
Stay away from drinks with names like
“Brain Seizure” or “Hippo Laxative”
Get drunk with dignity
If a bar has human ears nailed to the walls,
don’t pass out there
And if your homemade jello has some goldfish in it,
you used the wrong bowl
And there are phrases you must learn to avoid
Phrases like, “That badge looks stupid”
and “I can prove these shoes are fireproof”
Get drunk with dignity
Try not to drool on bikers
Don’t moon a nun unless you’ve got a real good reason
Don’t get romantically involved with farm machinery
Get drunk with dignity
I have a great lyric for a song.
“If a comet would only strike your face, America would be saved”
Not sure how to work that into a song.
I’d have been an excellent lawyer. Watch, as I say “we can agree to disagree”, in over 300 words of legal jumbo.
Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second part, and whereas the party of second part, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, have ended the abeyance of the forbearance of the agreement and amendments therein, such that the prima facie amendments are jointly and severally applied to the party of the first and second part in accordance with the original undischarged agreement, respectively agreed upon in the absence of all other agreements, covenants, contracts, whether in writing or verbal, have agreed that the aforesaid party of the first part has entered into an amended and codified novation, inter alia, with the party of the second part that the amendments to the agreement hereinafter and aforementioned will be discharged in the absence of any further compromise or agreement that has been certified by the Clerk of Court in the party’s mutual counties of residence, notwithstanding any other matter or agreement, in interpreting the amended estoppel agreement between the party of the first part and the party of the second part.
WATTA GUY!
Silly is as silly does. I have not done silly in toooo long. Here’s my first shot:
Didn’t go fishing today because the worms are still hibernating. Don’t know what fish are eating but it can’t be big fat squirmy worms.
I love fishing. Here’s hoping the worms turn back to the surface soon.
Somebody who was criticizing a post told me I only have half a brian.
I wonder how he knew???? Has he informed the police????
He brandished his pistil at me.
(Wife sitting next to me agrees)
Why can’t WOMEN learn to put the toilet seat UP??? I hate splashing urine on the seat when I pee late at night!
Excerpt from “Dreams of My Father”
“While coming home from school one day in Kenya a friend and I came across a sheep with it’s head stuck in a fence. My friend quickly dropped his pants and took the sheep from behind. When he finished I asked him if I could be next. He said yes, so I quickly dropped my pants and stuck my head in the fence.”
1/2 of the people do not understand math, but the other 2/3’s are pretty good with it.
My girlfriend says she’s sterile.
That’s inconceivable.
If you died tomorrow, the one thing I would remember about you, is that you were alive yesterday.
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