Hint: It rhymes with bash - Please come to our wedding: RSVP with cash

Kristen De Filippis recently had an argument with her aunt and mom about what makes an appropriate wedding gift. “They said, ‘You have to give at least $100 [cash] or more,’ ” says De Filippis, 38, who lives in Toronto. “I was like, the whole thing is insane. It should come down to what you can afford.” De Filippis loves her big Italian family, but wedding season isn’t cheap. It’s standard to give gifts at the engagement party and the shower, and an envelope on the big day. “With the older generation, if you don’t give a certain amount, you’re considered cheap.” (At a distant relative’s bridal shower, when De Filippis committed to giving a $40 gift, her mom put in $150 from both of them instead, she says, to avoid embarrassment.)

In many cultures, giving cash at weddings has long been standard. Now that a growing number of couples live together before getting married, money is an increasingly in-demand present: They may not need another set of towels or dishware, but would prefer funds toward a vacation, or the down payment on a home. “I have five weddings this year, and five next year, and I’m giving cash at all of them,” says Amanda Marshall, 29, of Vancouver. Having polled her close friends, she knows that’s what they want. But other guests can see it as a cash grab, and in some cases, cash-strapped guests are fighting back.

The first high-profile spat erupted in June, when two guests at a Hamilton wedding left a gift basket filled with salsa, oil, biscuits, spreadable marshmallow and Sour Patch Kids candies. “Life is delicious,” the card said. “Enjoy!” But the two brides did not enjoy. Afterward, one fired off a text: “I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your date’s plate.” (The brides were of Italian and Croatian heritage, two cultures where cash gifts are the norm.) Outraged, the guests sent this exchange to the Hamilton Spectator newspaper, and it went viral.

Just a few weeks later, another woman—an American named Tanya—went public with a Facebook message she’d received from a friend whose wedding she’d attended. “I just want to know, is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike’s and my wedding that both you and Phil gave $50 each?” the bride wrote, informing Tanya that the cost was in fact $100 per person. “That money didn’t grow on a tree,” Tanya huffed to the Huffington Post. “If she had a minimum gift requirement, she should have specified it … or asked everyone for income statements before inviting them.” While that bride’s reaction might have been unusual, she wasn’t alone in her expectations. De Filippis notes that, at weddings, “it’s understood you have to cover the cost of food per plate.” This is also the rule of thumb with Marshall’s friends.

The average cost of a wedding in Canada is now $32,358, but never mind the couples—for those attending these events, the price is going up, too. This year, guests expect to spend $539 per wedding, according to a U.S. survey by American Express, up 59 per cent from last year. Close family members will spend an average of $179 per person on a gift; for co-workers, it’s $66. There seems to be a growing disconnect between the happy couple and their guests. Most Americans (35 per cent) would like to give a gift from the registry. Most couples (52 per cent) want money. A growing number write on the invitation, “Presentation” or “No boxed gifts,” to more politely imply they want cash, although etiquette dictates that even registry information should be left off the formal invite.

If there’s a generational gap between De Filippis and her mom about how much cash is appropriate to give, Marshall has experienced a different kind of disconnect: an ex’s mom who was told a couple wanted cash, and just “couldn’t do it.” Loath even to buy something off the registry, she insisted on picking something out herself. Indeed, some people still feel that cash is too impersonal. Most people, though, whether givers or recipients, seem to agree on one thing: After the big day has come and gone, proper etiquette dictates that thank-you cards should be sent out for each and every gift—even if it was a lowly box of Sour Patch Kids.

De Filippis notes that, at weddings, “it’s understood you have to cover the cost of food per plate.”

I did not know this

I'm sorry, but isn't that what the bride's father is paying for? I had no idea he was just the Maitre d'

If this is the expectation, I'll write the check AFTER I eat the meal and pay accordingly plus I'll include the tip.

I'm sorry, but isn't that what the bride's father is paying for?

You know, I have often heard people say this, but even 50 years ago when my wife and I married, we paid for our wedding ourselves. Our kids paid for the bulk of their weddings themselves. I've seen on TV where the father of the bride pays for the wedding, but I don't think I know any in real life where that's the case. We chipped in where we could for our kids and in some cases their in laws helped a little too. Maybe the couple paying themselves is the other reason it's considered rude here in the northeast not to cover your plate.

We also paid for our wedding.

But I was asking more for the comment that the guests should pay the cost of their meal. I would NEVER have asked friends and families to do that.

However, if that IS the norm, I will be going to very few weddings, if any.

ut I was asking more for the comment that the guests should pay the cost of their meal. I would NEVER have asked friends and families to do that. However, if that IS the norm, I will be going to very few weddings, if any.

It's not the norm that couples ask for cash - THAT would be rude. The responsibility for knowing falls on the guest. It's rude to attend if you can't cover your plate and your presence wouldn't really be missed by the couple or perhaps their parents.

Guess I never knew the wedding etiquette.

And I probably will not attend many more weddings without a lot of nagging.

I got kind of put off giving around $500 in gifts/cash to a nephew in law who’s marriage lasted less than a week.

Almost asked for the gifts back.

A growing number write on the invitation, “Presentation” or “No boxed gifts,” to more politely imply they want cash,

Cash is my usual wedding gift, but this is crasser than crass. I would not be attending this wedding, nor would I send the "obligatory" gift in my stead. And if anyone had the temerity to complain, they'd hear exactly why.

Like others on this thread, my husband and I preferred a small and modest wedding we could afford to a big costly one we couldn’t afford. We were adults so we didn’t ask our parents for financial help, either—we considered it quite enough that they had to travel to the area where we were living. Still, the ceremony was beautiful and memorable, the only one to be held in that particular venue (and the venue was free!) We invited people we loved, and were glad to pay for their food and drink. And having a small but charming wedding did nothing to harm my husband’s ascent up the ladder in his profession.

The gift registries aren’t intended to be a way of telling guests what they have to buy. They’re supposed to save embarrassment for everyone. So if Tilly and Vortigern are getting married and you can’t spend much, you don’t have to call up Tilly’s mother and hear her tell you that Tilly and Vortigern need twelve thousand-dollar Flora Danica dinner plates. You can just look at what they have on their registry and find something that’s at the price point you’re comfortable with, from a bath towel on up. You don’t have to buy a gift from the registry at all, if something else catches your eye. Or if you don’t want to buy anything at all.

I guess traditions are different in different parts of the US. We can surely accept each other’s traditions, and I will remember never to accept a wedding invitation from Italian-Americans in the Northeast, because I truly could not afford to give an acceptable gift these days. But surely we’re all in agreement that pitching a fit if someone doesn’t give you enough money is vulgar, yes?

I disagree - the bride can choose from a lavish wedding with very expensive food or a simple ceremony - but it shouldn’t be up to the guests to fund her vision of what her dream wedding should be. This is her party and her expense and those who attend give a gift because they want to, not because they are obligated to fund her dream day.

And having a small but charming wedding did nothing to harm my husband’s ascent up the ladder in his profession.

Well, it would depend very much upon what kind of career it is and again, the part of the country. And you can say that a registry is supposed to save embarrassment, but to me that sounds like an excuse retailers gleefully offered up to greedy couples until registries became the norm. There have always been appropriate sentimental and frugal wedding presents without a registry and without asking the mothers - e.g. a Christmas ornament, a framed print, a homemade afghan, etc. And the whole asking the mothers thing is an invented problem as far as those of us in this part of the country are concerned - Green is always the right color! Whether you're giving $50 or $250.

But surely we’re all in agreement that pitching a fit if someone doesn’t give you enough money is vulgar, yes?

Absolutely!

And if you're invited to an Irish or Italian (or Polish or Russian for that matter) wedding in the Northeast, if you're not a special friend of the family it probably is best if you stay away if you're not prepared to cover your plate. However, if you are a special friend whose presence will be sorely missed if you're not there, better to attend with a thoughtful, cheap gift than to miss the wedding.

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