Dave Says Husband Should be a Man

Townhall.com ^ | January 8, 2013 | Dave Ramsey

[Kaslin]

Dear Dave,

My daughter died. She was 32 years old and single, and she had lived with me for the last few years because she was recently disabled. I did not support her financially, and when she died she had no assets and no will. Is it my responsibility to pay the student loans and medical bills she left behind?

Jim

Dear Jim,

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this kind of grief. Losing a child is a heartbreaking experience, no matter their age.

The short answer is this: If you didn’t sign for it, you’re not liable. If a friend were to move in with you, that doesn’t make you responsible for their debts. The fact that it was an adult family member doesn’t matter either. She was a legal adult who signed her name on the debts in question.

If I were in your shoes, I’d try to find any papers attached to these debts and make copies of them. Then, I’d write up a form letter stating the total debt amount and the fact that she died with no assets. By doing this you’re notifying them that she passed away, and they’re not going to be paid. There’s no will or estate to be probated, so they can close the accounts.

Doing this will make creditors aware of the situation, and it should also protect you from getting hammered with collection calls. But the creditors get nothing in this kind of situation.

God bless you, Jim.

—Dave

Dear Dave,

My husband doesn’t like dealing with money. For years, I’ve handled everything from paying the bills to making the decisions, and he just does whatever I tell him. This makes things really hard on me, but he says financial issues cause him stress. Do you have any suggestions?

Carol Lee

Dear Carol Lee,

The plain truth is you need your husband to step up and be a man. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but it’s unfair for you alone to carry the weight of all financial and household decisions. It would be unfair, too, if he were the one carrying it all. This isn’t a gender issue.

My wife and I are involved in all the decisions in our home, and that’s especially true when it comes to money. We do a budget, and we decide together where the money’s going. It’s not a situation where she’s a little girl, and her daddy named Dave takes care of her and everything else. That’s the kind of thing you’ve got going on now. You feel like his mom rather than his wife, and that’s not what a healthy marriage is about.

You need to sit down with him and explain why this is so important to you and how it makes you feel. You’re not asking him to be a number cruncher, but he has to grow up and become part of the team. You can play the role of CFO and write all the checks. But you and he together are the board of directors. You just need 15 to 20 minutes of his time each week, so you guys can discuss what’s going on and how to handle things—together!

—Dave

[EDINVA]

We each have a small checking account with its bank card because the bank issues only one card per account, and swiping is the way each of us does most of our small-time shopping. It’s just a convenience.

Otherwise, everything is joint, all bills jointly paid. I DO think that all this up-front his/hers anticipates an eventual divorce.

[pepperdog]

“people get married and immediately form contingency plans for a divorce”

Maybe you’re right. We’ve been married 41 years and have never combined our accounts. We both had rather unsuccessful first marriages. I’ll let you know how it worked out in a few more years...:^)

[OneVike]

Notice what Proverbs 31 says about the perfect wife.

Good point, Proverb 31 is an excellent example of God allowing the wife to handle the homes finances. It is said that Proverb 31 was written by Solomon's mother, Bathsheba. Ancient Jewish tradition identifies King Lemuel to be King Solomon.

David was in his late years when Solomon was being raised. Like all of David's many children, it was his wives who raised them. God allowed the union of David and Uriah's widow to produce the lineage that would lead to the birth of both Jesus' earthly parents, Joseph through Solomon, and Mary through his brother Nathan.

As an aside, Bathsheba: (2 Samuel 11:1-27), is one of only four women named in Matthew's genealogy of Jesus. (Matthew 1:1-6) The others being, Tamar: (Genesis 38:6-30), Rahab: (Joshua 2:1-24), and Ruth: (Ruth 1:1-4:22).

Evidently, God has a much higher opinion of a women than many Christian men do.

[wardaddy]

Best marriage advise I ever got was from my female banker was to have separate bank accounts and credit cards

lol...that is silly...it's like when I see married hipsters buying groceries together but separately

and if you have kids and yer wife is a stay at home mom...as she should be...then she will get hungry and wear rags with yer idea of separate bank accounts etc

hell I shared money even with my live ins way before marriage...I didn't care...long as they were "good" to me...i wanted a woman and that ain't free lest you're really hot and I'm anything but...I grew up where the man took care of the woman and I like it

is this the new world of how men are when they marry?

[wardaddy]

I look at these replies and think....”this is conservatism today”

Sad...truly pathetic

are there any men with balls left or do they let their wife kept them next to the checkbook?

my wife writes the checks for the bills and works on some of our family business clerical crap..and I appreciate it...she would rather my office manager did it for her like my dad’s secretary did for my mom...but alas..

but she pulls the cash from me or from accounts I feed

i do not bird dog her unless I see something excessive or should have been attended to or if i tighten our budget

big things like cars we talk about as a courtesy or she tells me what she wants...which is easy...she drives a Land Cruiser with only 10,000 miles per year...7 years now same car

but if I wanted to buy her a Cayenne or GL450 I just would but I’d be sure to get her color..but given this economy that ain’t happening

me ..it’s pickups and it’s time soon with 200,000 on the Dodge

even in the best of times and marriages there will be financial friction ...you have to work through it

btw...I think the women multitask myth is just that...a myth

they don’t multitask one bit better than men...women like things static...and safe

[samiam1972]

Yuck! I’d never want separate accounts. My husband makes the money and and I run the house and raise the children. We decide on the budget together and each of us gets the cash we need for the month. If something comes up and we don’t have the cash on hand to cover something, then we meet to discuss how to cover the unexpected expense.

We do have more than one account. We have a super savings account that does not get touched. EVER! It is our strictly emergency savings. We have a regular savings account for smaller things like a new car or repairs, mini vacation, etc. We live well below our means and are able to put money into savings every month. My husband has a credit card for work travel expenses but we do not carry a balance.

Being debt free has been the most freeing thing to happen in our marriage. It only took us 18 years!! Okay, it took us 12 years to pile up debt and 6 years to get rid of it. Worth every horrifying, gazelle intense moment! :0)

[Altariel]

I knew it: your new year’s resolution was: “Beat Altariel to the ‘Dave Ramsey ping’.”

Your secret is out!

[CSM]

Haha! I was just lucky this one time.....

[mom4melody]

We have separate accounts that work like this:

All accounts belong to both of us legally. My paycheck goes into the account I use primarily, and the same with the account the hubby uses.

I am responsible for the kids school tuition, music and sports fees, insurance, groceries, clothes, gifts, etc. Hubs handles the big stuff.

No chance of over-drafts because we forgot to tell the other about an expenditure and no need to call and ask “is there money in the account” if we need gas for the car, etc.