Skip to comments.Humor: Things Men Will Never Hear From Women (vanity)
Posted on 05/15/2012 7:32:20 AM PDT by trailhkr1
Men everywhere can relate. Not Mine. Just what I picked up off the internet. Feel free to add your own.
I don't think you have enough guns and ammo. What if something happens. Let's dedicate at least $10K for that this year.
I'm really good at making decisions.
I'll take out the garbage, you've done it for 5 years.
I don't want a real diamond engagement ring, waste of money and at least a few poor Africans probably died mining for it.
Sports are so fun to watch!
You win [the argument]
Why yes, I AM upset. Let me explain to you why I am upset.
You don't have money or good looks? No problem, I love you the way you are.
I accept full responsibility for my own actions.
It's okay, I prefer a gut over six pack abs anyways!
Facebook is so boring, I'm going to deactivate my account.
Don't worry honey, I'll take the dogs out.
Is there anyone you find sexy at work? Invite her home for a threesome.
Spending $500 on a purse is stupid, I don't need to show off for other girls
I'm inferior to you physically and intellectually, so if you say you're right, then you must be right.
My mom is such a idiot, sorry you have to put up with her.
Valentine's Day is so pointless, let's not even celebrate it.
Honestly, I'm ok.
I'm like most girls.
Wow, good job noticing that girl, she's way hot. Let's go talk to her.
You can have your space tonight, don't worry I'm not mad.
Here honey have some more of the blanket.
I wasn't really drunk when I cheated on you, I'm just using that as an excuse!
Its okay, anything over 5 inches hurts me anyway.
I'm ready now babe, are you gonna be long? We need to leave on time.
Dinner on me, my treat. I'll pay.
I don't need anymore clothes
I already have a million shoes, why waste money on more?
No silly! It's fine if you hang out with your friends tonight! I'm sure I'll find something else to do.
Me and him are just friends
As she approaches you: Joe....we need to talk...about something I need to do.
I'll sign the pre-nup baby, you worked hard for your money.
U made a ton of money while I sat at home and did nothing? Yea you definitely deserve majority of the money in our divorce.
You had your business since before you married me, I don't deserve half of it that's crazy.
I don't care about the size of your penis or your wallet
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Divorced, are you?
But, you left out "I'm fine." (when they really are fine.
Want another beer?
No more for me. My arse is already too big.
My hair looks perfect today.
Nope, never married, age 26 but do have a LT GF and I can relate.
You take care of/control the remote.
I’ve said quite a few of these...mostly about guns and ammo. I’m also a sports fan. I prep. I just spent more on one piece of lingerie than I’ve spent on clothes in the last 4 months.
A Marine my hubby works with says I’m the perfect woman. LOL
Oooooh, 26 and already so deeply cynical. Sad. Well, that’s, of course, one of the outcomes of 40 years of the Sexual Revolution. Sigh...
“Oh, that’s what a turn signal is?”
Hardly..I love women and their little quirks. Just a little bit of humor.
We have passed our Golden Anniversary and are headed for more. Even in long and good marriages, your list has a few sticky issues which happen in most marriages or relationships with many women:
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
2. Ask us for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
3. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
4. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
5. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
6. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.
7. Learn to work the toilet seat. Youre a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You dont hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
One thing you’ll never heard from women: I love guys who think Andrew Dice Clay is funny! (Check Wikipedia.)
anything over 5 inches....lol
It’s important that you wear comfortable clothes. Like that old “Keep On Truckin’” t-shirt you like so much.
Don’t bother putting your socks in the hamper. They’re just going to get dumped on the laundry room floor anyway.
To hell with the Mediterranean salad in red wine vinaigrette. I want a 16-ounce ribeye so rare it twitches when I cut it. And mashed potatoes in Hollandaise.
That Speedo looks better on you than it did on the mannequin.
The beach? Aw, shoot! I thought we were going to go fix up your deer stand.
Honey, they were out of that cheap beer so I bought the good stuff. Hope you don’t mind ...
LOL! Funny list.
"Honey, where's the belt sander?"
Exactly! I was thinking I must be one of the luckiest guys in the world - wife who loves being a woman and loves for me to be a man - Biblical attitude. Of course, I do try to be just as Biblical and Ephesians says it superbly when it exhorts women to respect their husbands and men to love their wives. My wife (mostly) lets me make the big decisions because she knows I truly respect her opinion and will admit to being wrong when I screw up.
Are you an Evangelical? While reading these posts full of misogyny (and unfunny to boot!), I thought: no Evangelical freeper would ever write these posts.
Missed one there bud.
“I was wrong”.
yep, been married 25 years and still going strong.
I was utterly floored when my wife, outta the blue, declared “I want a bunker” (as in well-stocked survival cave) and meant it.
Seems the book _The_Road_ was rather persuasive, at least for a few hours.
Holy smoke, take a chill pill, there is nothing in these posts that rejects companionship between the sexes! Just some observations that men & women are different.
Old feminist war cry, “You are under arrest because you believe women DO have a sense of humor!”
“I will never hold anything you say against you.”
Oh, take a chill pill yourself. If I want to enjoy the differences between the sexes, I’ll watch an episode of “I Love Lucy” or one of my favorite movies: “Adam’s Rib.” I like wit and class - not crassness. In the immortal words of Mad Magazine: Bleeeeeeeeeech!
TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you something?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch what you like.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
Gee. Where do you meet women?
I’ve said at least half of those things.
The one I relate to is #10. What is it with you guys and the remote?
I would never want my husband to go shoe-shopping with me!
I once saw the great actor Gene Hackman in Bloomingdales’, sitting on a chair, holding his wife’s coat, while she tried on clothes. He was the most miserable man I ever saw!
Rebecca West had just the opposite take:
“The problem with mankind is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.”
Nine Words Women Use
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.
3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)
5. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ - that will bring on No. 7).
7. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying, “F— YOU!”
8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to No. 4.
9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in “Fine”.
Why is it that women ask you a question, you answer, and they ask the question (albeit phrased differently) again?
“What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t care.”
“Would you like fish?”
“Again, I don’t care.”
“How about chicken.”
“Doesn’t matter to me.”
Ladies, when we answer, that is final. Whether it’s yes, no, I don’t know, or I don’t care. Please quit asking.
Don’t dismiss the painful truths buried within. If something wasn’t wrong, there wouldn’t be such posts. Unsolved problems can lead to crude/gallows humor.
IIRC, the MAD Magazine epithet is spelled “Blecch!” as in “Yecch!”.
Your spelling sounds like “I’m out of Clorox!!”
I’m still searching for all the rampant misogyny on this thread.
How nit-picky can you get? You probably read Crack Magazine when you were growing up!
That was “Cracked” magazine from the early sixties, and like other lampoon knockoffs such as “Sick” and “Thimk” magazines, it didn’t hold a candle to William Gaines’ “MAD Magazine”, since he had already corralled all the genius talent in the genre.
I have been a MAD fan since age eight, FWIW. I can even say “What? Me worry?” in Latin (”Quid? Me anxius sum?”)
I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread.
You’re a fan of Mad Magazine (and YES I’m putting it in non-caps to ANNOY YOU) and yet you like this thread?
And, I’ll have you know, that as a youth, two of my jokes were accepted at Mad. They didn’t pay me but they sent me a nice letter which I cherish to this very day. At the time, I hoped to be the first woman writer at Mad.
I don’t need a watch honey. There’s a clock on the stove.
I like my small feet. They let me stand closer to the sink!
Nope - non-denominatinal and believe in the Bible and the messages it gives. Not sure how you interpreted my post as misogynist, but it doesn't really matter.
What one person calls misogyny, another person calls truth. And yes, guys think the above are funny.
“1. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.”
ROFL that one is very, very good.
There’s a YouTube phenom, something of a babe, who did an abolutely hilarious vid on those - might be where that came from originally.
I watch Ferris Bueller just about every time it is on tv. My gf can't stand it and thinks it is not funny.
I think she was referring to me.
Looked at your post and guess you may be right - she also has no sense of humor, which my wife will tell you is a real flaw for a "Christian" woman. Guess I'm doubly lucky - my wife would chuckle at most of your list.
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