Skip to comments.***The Official Friday Silliness Thread***
Posted on 03/14/2008 6:41:19 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
I've been out sick with that dang cold this week, so I didn't prepare much for today's thread...
OK, but I have one of those one cup things so it’ll take a while....
Hurry, please. My ice cream is melting...
I’m working here,
trying to the cup lined up JUUUUSSSSSTTTT right under the spout.
Yum. Dead cow AND Pi. I think I know what’s for dinner.
Oil Change Instructions
It’s different for men and women.
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Cost: About $39.00 oil change, free coffee. Total $39.00 plus tax.
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner (don’t forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50.
2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00.
3. Drive home with oil and beer.
4. Open beer, enjoy it.
5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.
6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid’s pedal car, jack the car up.
7. Open another beer, drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16” box end wrench for drain plug
10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear.
13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil.
14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench.
16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off.
17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter.
18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer.
19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.
20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine.
21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It’s still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan.
22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor.
23. Open another beer and drink it.
24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer.
25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench, but this time, it’s slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug.
26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn’t let stay in the house).
27. Open another beer and drink it.
28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow.
29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil.
30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it.
31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas.
32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn’t leak.
33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI.
34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman.
35. Next day, get car out of impound yard.
Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum. Total $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)
Want a beer right now.
Your male oil change is missing one of my key steps:
Pour old oil in hole in back yard.
You Gotta Love the Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
I’d like a shot of Bailey’s in mine, please.
Mine too (coming right up).
Pour old oil ACROSS FENSE in hole in NEIGHBOR’S back yard.
Actually, I give my old oil to my brother. He has a waste oil furnace in his shop. But, yeah, I am guilty of “spilling” some.
Want a beer right now.
Gawd I love Guinness!
Want a beer right now.
So do I! In a very few hours I will be having some Serious Beer! (or should I say series beer)
Try it ala mode...
it’s been a bad day and it’s not even near over.
That does look good.
You are so sweet!
I’ll have two please and a cocktail also.
I got a new "Temper-matic." Built in thermometer takes your temperature every hour. I now get sick as often as possible.
To show you how times have changed:
Back in 1982 I somehow filled my Saab with Diesel at a local filling station. I had to drain it so the owner gave me a hose and I put one end in my tank and the other in the gutter...
This was at a major intersection. I even talked to people as they were filling their tanks about the boneheaded mistake I made. They all thought it was funny and one guy even mentioned doing it himself once.
Nobody had a problem with my, and the owners, solution.
Oh, I forgot...Happy PI day to you!
Ooh, I’ll take Baileys and Amaretto in mine.
Speaking of which, equal parts Baileys, Amaretto, and Kahlua over ice. Really good.
Called a screaming orgasm.
BOW CHICKA CHICKA BOW BOW
Could I have a more manly looking guy pour my beer? ;)
I remember those.
I did not know that, but it’s really cool,relatively speaking. ;-)
Happy B-day, Eisnstein!! Have some pie.
I actually read a story with a menage’a quatre in it....
‘twas very nice-—— even had a wedding at the end.
I never pour the oil into the ground. I have a number of old oil jugs, from 1 to 2.5 gallons that I pour the oil into. Then when I finally get around to taking the oil to the recycler (at the auto parts store) I usually have about 6 to 8 gallons to dump. I get really funny looks from the auto parts guys.
The real version:
God bless America, land that I love
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with the light from above
From the mountains To the prairies,
To the ocean white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home.
...and now the new Hope and Change version!
(kinda gives new meaning to that old pastime of Mad Libs):
God ____ America, land that I ____
____ beside her and ____ her
Through the ____ with the ____ from ____
From the ____ To the ____,
To the ocean ____ with ____
God ____ America, My ____ sweet ____.
LOL! Gotta love the south!!
HAHAHA ... that might work on a road trip but that generator would be so stolen during intown errands.
Listen to this...
Get well soon!
I hope he doesn’t already have a boyfriend.
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