Maybe I am sharing too much. But I have nowhere else to turn. I am (was?) a reporter for a weekly community newspaper in Quebec.
A couple of months ago, I was told I'd be freelancing--paid per picture and story, because my former boss, with whom I'd worked for seven years, is retiring and his daughter is taking over and wants new blood. My whopping income has dropped from $450 per week to around $100 per week, which has made things difficult financially at home. My husband makes a good income--but we needed that extra cash. Our house is aging and needs repairs.
We've been married for over two decades, have a 17 year-old son and a 13 year-old daughter. It is quite rare that we are intimate nowadays.
I went to pick up my check today--$190 for two weeks of work.
On point, I have a Masters Degree from the University of Chicago, a year of law school at Northwestern, law school that I finished at UC Boulder.
I find myself sleeping all the time recently. I turned 50 less than a month ago. I'm old now. I literally cannot wake up. I fell asleep on the couch, sitting up, while we were all watching "Grimm" tonight.
I know I need to get my act together, but I find myself crying and sleeping--and even when I clean things up, do laundry,etc., my husband seems to find fault. Maybe he's depressed too.
Because I cut myself as a teenager and got very sad on moving here, I am on medication. So that's not the answer.
Plus, my ten year-old nephew in WI has cancer -- very serious -- and if something happens to him or my Dad, I cannot even cross the border before my papers come in.
Anyway... I guess I just wanted to "vent" a bit. Freepers are a caring group of people.
Thank you for any advice you have. :)
J.
Hi PAiC,
Your depression is situation-based rather than biological so avoid the temptation to have a doctor prescribe meds. It’s not what makes sense.
I’ve always been taught that the best remedy for cognitive depression is busyness. There are other things, of course, positive self-talk, physical activity, light, avoidance of those things that foster negativity, etc.
But, busyness is therapeutic for a number of reasons. First, it puts your mind at work in another area. Next, it often involves relationships an others, and as the bible says, “friend sharpens the countenance of a friend as iron sharpens iron.”
And sometimes...just sometimes...busyness becomes ‘business’, or contacts, or new opportunities.
Finally, don’t ignore God and prayer. The Bible clearly says that “it is God who gives the ability to create wealth.”
Filter out every problem you can't solve today, down to only one problem you can solve today, and solve it. You're a writer, and a sticky keyboard is on the top of your mind, do something about it. Now.
(1) You can get another used non-sticky one for about $3 Canadian or USD at a second-hand store. (There are millions of them whose useful life has outlived the computer box it was sold with, and people toss them when they get a new computer.)
(2) Find one that looks clean and whose keys and spacebar is not shiny from long use.
(3) Make sure the connector is the same as the sticky-key one you are replacing.
(4) Try the keyboard at the store to make sure it feels comfortable and non-sticky.
(5) Stop using this as an excuse for not doing something to help yourself.
(6) Now that you can congratulate yourself for accomplishing one thing; then get a good rest or at least a nap.
(7) Then go back, filter the list for another problem you can practically solve tomorrow.
(8) Figure out what strategy you are going to use, and go to bed with the tactic to apply anticipated in your mind.
(9) Get up when you wake up, recall what you are going to do, dress, eat something, then start fixing this one problem.
(10) When it is fixed, congratulate and reward yourself a little.
(11) Repeat this cycle.
This is the only way I could stop moaning and get out of the overwhelming everyday-sinking-spiral pattern, one thing at a time.
Do it, and start right now. By all means, first get your "new" keyboard. This a clear, preemptive, solvable issue. (If you don't have the $3 right now, beg the loan of the keyboard -- or the $3 Cdn -- from a friend or acquaintance who has an extra one.)
If you mouse is jerky, and they sometimes get that way, let me know and I'll tell you what to do.
Cheers!
(BTW, quit being "proud" in Canada until you demonstrate initiative, eh?)
Ideas......
Contact consulting companies and go see them about opportunities.
Go see a Superintendent or Principal about work in the upcoming year.
Advertise/put out flyers to mentor schoolchildren/college folks with writing/study/legal writing. There are places to work that do this, too.
Maybe take up a court reporting course? With a pell grant or something?
See about getting a job in a copy store like Kinko’s for awhile. Maybe a store owner or other businessperson will come in and need someone to do work.
Contact recruiters.
Develop a writing project you’d like to do and keep notes. Put it together and submit a plan for, say, a screenplay or something.
Get involved with a local theater company. Maybe they could use a communications person.
Rethink you. Maybe you can be Walter Mitty now and do various things to keep money coming in. Not just writing, but other things that might, in time, help you in your writing for other purposes.
Go see about a job at a retirement center. I’ll be there are lots of people with contacts there....former business owners, their families. If you work there and bide your time, you never know what might turn up.
Oh. Have a cup of tea. In a nice cup.
There are many FReepers in the same situation, you know. You are not alone.
Do.
Something. Anything. Just DO.
Write.
Create.
Fix.
Build.
Serve.
Do something.
Create wealth.
And sell it.
Take a walk everyday and start exercising. This will cheer you up. It works for me.
Play to your strength. You can write and the students today needs lots of help learning that craft. In my area there are lots of tutoring services that hire people to provide the services in areas such as math and English. A colleague of mine lost his faculty job at the college and then supplemented his income by tutoring reading. I imagine it could also be done freelance, but without having to build a following the established places are the quick fix. Get a resume together with lots of writing samples from your previous journalism work. Lift a prayer and give it a shot. With God AND the Freepers on your side whom could be against you?
I am sure that there are many on FR who have been in similar sitations. Be strong. Pray. Focus your attention on living day by day. Once you get through that, then you can begin to focus on week to week. Do a financial assessment. Sell whatever you can, update your resume (keep two or three versions to focus on certain skillsets.) Keep the faith. Seek counseling from a therapist or a member of clergy.
You will get through this. God does not give us more than we can handle. I will keep you in my prayers.
I was out of work in 2008 (former English teacher) and found work online as a subject matter expert for an eduation consulting firm and also as an adjunct teaching assistant for an online university. (Ashford) I would check that out if you are degreed. There are also online grading and tutoring sites where you grade writing papers for standardized tests or provide feedback for students’ essays they have written for school. You have lots of opportunities out there as a writer. Snap out of it and start looking. I made about $1200 a month with my various online endeavors. Feel free to private message me for specifics.
You can work from home and you should be able to at least double your income. Also, you will get higher paying jobs as you get more connections. Make sure you tell them about your background.
Start a blog on a topic you are passionate about. Write there every day until you build up some traffic and credibility and then sell something to your traffic that is a solution to what you are blogging about.
Once your blog is up and going, you can do affiliate agreement through:
http://cj.com
http://google.com/adsense
Put something unique on the internet and sell it!
One of the most important things you can do is just change things up a bit. Find a social group that you can participate in - like a book club or volunteer group that won’t cost you anything, other than maybe the cost of a book once in a while. You might be able to borrow whatever book is being read from the library. Volunteer to assist the English teachers at the local high school with creative writing instruction or maybe helping to grade short stories. Open the blinds and let the sunshine in (literally)! Get off the computer and get outside.
Obviously the money situation is an issue, and I agree with those who have said that you should look for any kind of work. That will be helpful for the financial aspect as much as the “shakeup” that it will lead to. You’ll meet new people, learn new skills, make new friends.
Tell your husband what’s going on and how you feel, and tell him what part you need him to play in helping you to overcome it. Maybe you can both go canoeing or fishing or jogging or whatever will get you active and doing things together. Whatever you do, don’t assume that your relationship with your husband is part of it. Most likely, the problems with intimacy are a result of the depression, not a cause of it. You probably need him and I’m sure he needs you, too, and one day that intimacy can return, but you’ll both have to want that and work for it. He needs to know how you feel, though. Men cannot read the mind of a woman and know what she’s thinking. We need to be told in clear and concise language what you are feeling and expecting.
I say all of this as someone who was going through a serious state of depression this past summer. I work from home most of the time, so I don’t really have a network of work friends that I see on a regular basis. It finally got to the point where I saw someone for it and he prescribed medication. I took one pill, hated how it made me feel, and decided that I was not going to live on depression medication for the rest of my life. I made the kinds of changes I discussed above, and things have gotten MUCH better.
Stay positive. Once you start feeling sorry for yourself, it’s easy to spiral downward. Don’t let that happen!
Okay, sweetie, I am going to talk to you as if you were my best girlfriend... one I have known since grade school. First, I applaud you for recognizing that you aren’t “feeling right”. You see and understand that you are sleeping a lot and are just plain tired... that is a good thing. Recognizing these problem are half the battle. I sleep, too.. when I am upset. I know it is a temporary escape because your mind/thoughts can’t swirl around.
First, sit down and talk to your husband. Pick a time when the kids are gone to school/friends house and there are no interruptions. Put on a pot of coffee or tea and just talk to him. Tell him that you are going through a difficult time, you are sorry that you are stressed but he is your rock and anchor. Husbands don’t just psychically know what is going on in our heads.. they have to be told. That is only fair. Ask him for his patience and understanding.
Secondly, many people (including myself).. well, we are our own worst enemies. We don’t see or realize our assets and strengths. We see only our weaknesses and faults. Grab a sheet of paper and write down all your good assets/strengths. Every single one of them. Sometimes a self realization that we aren’t “bad” or “weak” is a good thing.
Next, you are better off than some and I want you to realize this. I know a young mom that was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. She goes through each day knowing within six months she will never see her three young kids grow. She won’t be there for beddy time, school conferences, science fairs, birthdays etc... You aren’t going through this hell... a different “hell” but not one as severe as this.
Sweetie, you have a Masters degree and law school. Perhaps it is time to start applying for “different” jobs that could involve those strengths. Apply everywhere. Apply to be a school teacher or aide, apply at law firms, apply at the court house, apply at a hospital, apply as the library. APPLY, APPLY, APPLY. Don’t say to yourself, “They won’t hire me”. Say to yourself, “I have many strengths that they may realize they can use and I can benefit the school, hospital, company, etc.... Call friends that work and ask them if there is anything in their business that is open OR do they know of an opening? Stop focusing only on the writing/journalism.. start presenting your education, work ethic and other knowledge.
Now, I may offend some Freepers but here goes: I tsk tsk’d with your comment, “It is quite rare that we are intimate nowadays”. There is a HUGE difference between sex and being intimate. YES THERE IS! Anyone can have sex... that is biological. Intimacy doesn’t have to involve sex. When your husband is in the kitchen, walk up and hug him. When he is sitting down and reading the paper, walk by... kiss him on his forehead and smile at him. When he is raking leaves, bring him a cup of coffee and ask him if he would like a nice sandwich or bowl of soup. Bake him his favorite pie, make him his favorite dinner, write him out a love note and stick it under his windshield... Believe me, he will know that you love him and he’ll feel special and appreciated.
Prayers and good thoughts your way. Stay strong, determined, and face this challenge head on and “spit right into its eye”. When you are alone, say this OUT LOUD. “I have a lot of good strengths and this crap isn’t going to destroy me.” Pray to Our Lord for strength and guidance and just have a good talk/cry with Him. Hugs, Mom
As far as marriage, men are always looking for something to fire up the situation. All you have to do is look for ways to ignite it. My direct suggestion is that you initiate something at the earliest opportunity. There must be something he's hinted about or discussed over the years that you can focus on. I don't think I can take it further than that on a public forum, but wishing you two all the best regardless!
I think there's an awful lot of folks feeling down these days. Here's to hoping for a major positive transformation in all their lives.
Thank you for posting and thank you all for your replies. I woke up this morning not knowing how I would get through the morning, and I prayed. Your post and responses were answers to prayers. I want to be done, but I have two kids (adults). The thread is getting mighty thin.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this disappointment and sadness. It’s sounds like you are stuck.
When I get stuck, I make lists of things to do and do them. I’m happiest when I am accomplishing a lot so when work slows down, it’s a bummer.
So, I put things to do on the list that bug me. I work with music that lifts my spirit and that I love blasting. I do projects like clean out closets, reorganize cubbards, detail clean an area, paint a room, deep clean the furniture, wash windown and woodwork, clear out the garage and basement, look up recipes and make really good meals, sing, thank God for being with me and my children and husband - pray for all they need. Pray for God to be with your nephew and his family. Thank God for helping you know what to do and lifting your spirit. Know that He is with your nephew and his family and doctors. Know that He is with you and your family.
Read the Bible every day. I go out for coffee or lunch with girlfriends or visit someone who I know is lonley. I forgive everyone who has hurt me in the past and ask God to bless them. I tell God what I have done wrong and ask him to forgive me.
When the thoughts of anger, resentment or sadness of the past come up, I respond by forgiving those involved, myself included, and then tell those haunting thoughts - thats forgiven, over and gone and I won’t entertain them - I praise God, instead, for forgivness and healing. Negative thoughts and the emotions they create have no right nor power to be directing your mind and spirit. They will die down as you confront and reject them.
Forgive your husband and be thoughtful of him. Help him, be kind to him and show graditude that he’s working and you all are making it through this rough time. Make him his favorite meals. Watch funny movies with him. He can’t fix you; you need to do that and you can. It’s not money.
So, don’t lay down to sleep when you don’t have work, do a project on your list and blast out some music that moves your spirit. Sing. Dance. Praise God for taking care of you, forgiving you and others and setting you free of the past. God has something for you to do; he’s you Dad and he owns everything and networks with most everyone. Just keep moving your feet each day and something better is going to come along.
So that is what I do when I get down and I hope it helps you my American FRiend in Canada. God Bless you and lift you in his love and mercy. Stop laying down. Take a shower, get dressed and sing to music you love. Have a list and do something - anything - in an excellent way.
Get yourself out of the house and meeting people. Re-establish contact with people. You have an advantage in being older: you have accumulated lots of people who know you.
Get on LinkedIn.com and create/update your resume, and link to all the people from your past who may have a favorable opinion of your skills.
You mention having finished law school. You might see about taking the exam to get your law license active and promote yourself to people who know you.
Check out http://www.nanowrimo.org/. It started 11/1, but it’s a free creative outlet and goal. Depression happens, but, ahem, work will set you free. Evene if it’s unpaid work. You’re a writer, so write!
I will pray for your situation and for your nephew as well. It’s terrible that any child should have to suffer that.
That said, perhaps your family wouldn’t be opposed to a move. I am not sure what your husband does, but here in Alberta (Edmonton area), there are opportunities coming out of the seams. There are many well paying jobs and less taxes here.
Feel free to mail me if you’d like me to look into any fields on your behalf, I do know several folks in different lines of work here.
God bless, and trust him, he knows us better than we know ourselves.
Hey...! Ouch! E.T. please gimme the finger.
Would you feel better about yourself if you just turned 30, or 40?
My Ex (bride of Satan) had similar issues. I recommened she get some training as a Medical transcriptionists. She did, and for a time was a Jedi Master of her trade.
You got the writing skills, and you could work at home.
That way you wouldn't be tormented by us one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel, way over the hill +/- 60ish year old folk!