Posted on 09/05/2001 2:02:56 PM PDT by SAMWolf
... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?>br> --Ted, Wexford, Pa.
.. what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis
... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so often boom she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no ideawhat her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
-Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
--Neil, Orlando, Fla.
... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
ya gotta love ‘em.
LOL.
Man, how I love my woman! EVEN the weird "stuff" she does. One night without her and I'm no good at all the next day.
I'm absolutely, positively addicted.
Once, on a hot summer day, when we were trying to find a bridge across the St. Croix River to Minnesota after spending a weekend at a friend's cabin in Wisconsin she said to me, "Why did you come this way if you knew you were going to get lost?"
The thought flashed across the vista that there would never be a jury in the land that would convict.
We also have been married nearly 28 years.
Her answer? "That's a scary thought."
My reply? "Wrong answer, you're supposed to say, OH BABY!"
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!
My daughter once called me from forty minutes away and said the car had died and she and her buddy needed me to come pick them up. On the way home, I asked her how the car had died.
"It just quit," she said.
"Were there any lights on on the dashboard?"
"No."
"How did it quit? Did it die suddenly? Did it cough and choke and wheeze and finally just not catch again? Did you gradually lose power until you realized the engine was dead? What happened?"
"No, it pretty much just quit," she insisted.
"Were there any flickers that you noticed from the dashboard lights while it was in the process of quitting?"
"Nope," she said again.
"Hmm," I said, thinking. "How about before it died? Were there any strange sounds or smells that you noticed, or anything unusual you felt?"
"No, nothing like that," she said.
"And you're sure there were no lights on on the dashboard?"
"I told you, there were no lights on! Except the TEMP light, of course, but that's only because there wasn't any water in the radiator."
I was stunned almost speechless. "...because there...What??!"
She sighed with obvious exasperation at having to explain something so elementary. She spoke with exaggerated slowness and precision: "Be-cause there was-n't an-y wat-er in the ra-di-a-tor. It all ran out on the driveway when I first started the car!"
"You knew this, and you drove the car anyway?"
Another exasperated sigh. "I was only going to the movies with Rachel!"
And so on. Ah, well--it was her car, not mine. Trouble is, it's a 1979 Pontiac Firebird in pretty nice condition with a 5.7L V-8. At least one of the heads was warped, and the car hasn't run since then.
Like my old man said, you can't live with them and you can't live without them.
...she doesn't think that my time is worth anything. I come home from work tired, but G-d help me if I want to sit on my butt for an hour or two and watch TV. And when I do that, not only do I almost always end up watching her shows, but then she gets pissed later that I didn't do anything that night.
You can’t live with them and you can’t kill them…..
He has seen the carpet, hasn't he?
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